[fic] Two Certain Things
Chapter 1 of 1
Fandom: Buffy/Angel (seasons 7 and 4, respectively)
Rating: PG. Warning: Adult themes
Disclaimer: I didn’t invent any of these characters or settings, especially the IRS. I am making no money off of this, and also am not claiming it as a tax deduction (although it would be awesome if I could…hey, don’t writers refer to stories as their babies?)
Nightfall. The Ides of April was upon the land.
The doorbell shrilled into the uneasy darkness, and Buffy was off the couch in a heartbeat, flying over to the door.
“I came as soon as I heard,” Angel said.
“Oh, thank…um, who do I thank? Is it cool to say God?” Buffy’s initial enthusiasm and relief trailed away into uncertainty.
“It’s fine. I can come in, right? You haven’t uninvited me and not told me about it?”
“No, of course not. Who’s your friend?” Buffy gestured to the skinny brunette trying to disappear behind Angel.
“This is Fred. She’s very good with figures - I thought, under the circumstances, she might be able to help.”
Fred gave a hopeful grin and a tentative finger-wiggle of a wave. “Hey, two heads are better than one, right? I mean, unless you’re talking about Dubletet demons…in that case if you only get two then you’re lucky. I’m babbling, aren’t I? I’ll stop.”
“Why don’t we get started? You’ve got everything I mentioned in my text, right?”
“Yup. Everything’s upstairs. Come on.”
***
“Wow, you weren’t kidding,” Angel said, staring at the glowing red numbers. “This is pretty bad.”
“I just…this is worse than anything I’ve ever had to deal with. I’ve fought demons, vamps, even a god. But this…I just have no clue how to beat it.”
“Well, here’s your first problem.” Angel clicked back a page, selected a box, typed briefly. The livid numbers spun rapidly down, dropping from four figures to three.
“Whoa! How did you make that happen?!” Buffy exclaimed.
“Simple. You were filing as single…”
“Um, duh - I am single. Remember?”
“Yes, but you’re also supporting a houseful of dependents. File as head of household, and you automatically get another exemption. I added Dawn as your qualifying dependent. Now, who else do you support here?”
“Not sure. Does Willow count?”
“Does she support herself?”
“Ya know, that’s a good question. I think she’s still in school.”
“Her folks probably claim her,” Fred pointed out from beneath a heap of papers.
“Okay, then you probably can’t. How about all those random girls with multicolored hair we passed on the way up?”
“The Potentials? But they only got here and I think Giles is helping to pay for them.”
“The IRS doesn’t care how long they’ve been here, and trust me - the Watchers don’t pay US taxes. Let’s start adding names.”
Angel’s fingers flew across the keyboard. The numbers whirled down to zero, then abruptly turned green and started flying back up.
“Wait - what did you just do? Green usually isn’t good. Is green good here?”
“Yup - that’s your refund. And we’ve only started. The house is in your name, so you can deduct mortgage interest and property tax. Fred, how’re you doing on that?”
“Got it!” Fred waved a sheaf of papers triumphantly aloft. “Oh, and you can claim work expenses. How much did you spend on stakes and chainsaws? I think you can also get away with claiming demonproofing spell components and construction work as an energy credit…let me double-check that.”
Buffy’s shoulders slumped in relief as the green numbers continued to climb. “Wow, thanks. You have no idea how relieved I am - when I saw how much that stupid website said I owed, I thought I was going to pass out. This will be a huge help.”
“Hey, no problem. Happy to help,” Angel said. “I will say, I’m a little surprised you called me. Not that I’m not glad to come, but I kind of thought you were doing the independent thing.”
“I’m trying. But taxes are scary, grown-up stuff, and you’ve been a grown-up for longer than anyone else I know. Well, that I haven’t killed.”
“What about Spike? He’s been around almost as long as I have.”
“Spike eats his accountants. He’s no help.”
Angel laughed, then his expression turned serious. “You know, Buffy, I spent most of my ‘adult’ years running wild as a monster, then hiding in the sewers and eating rats. It’s really only been the last few years or so that I’ve done the responsible grown-up thing myself.”
“Huh, hadn’t thought of that,” Buffy said. “I suppose we’re all just making it up as we go.”
“Yeah, we all are.”
Both of them fell into a pensive silence, broken shortly by a loud whoop from Fred.
“Hey, look at this! California has a qualifying Hellmouth credit! Wow, your state refund is gonna be HUGE!”
Author's Note: This was inspired by sakon76's comment that "adult themed" stories should be about stuff like paying taxes and doing laundry. Challenge accepted!
Fandom: Buffy/Angel (seasons 7 and 4, respectively)
Rating: PG. Warning: Adult themes
Disclaimer: I didn’t invent any of these characters or settings, especially the IRS. I am making no money off of this, and also am not claiming it as a tax deduction (although it would be awesome if I could…hey, don’t writers refer to stories as their babies?)
Nightfall. The Ides of April was upon the land.
The doorbell shrilled into the uneasy darkness, and Buffy was off the couch in a heartbeat, flying over to the door.
“I came as soon as I heard,” Angel said.
“Oh, thank…um, who do I thank? Is it cool to say God?” Buffy’s initial enthusiasm and relief trailed away into uncertainty.
“It’s fine. I can come in, right? You haven’t uninvited me and not told me about it?”
“No, of course not. Who’s your friend?” Buffy gestured to the skinny brunette trying to disappear behind Angel.
“This is Fred. She’s very good with figures - I thought, under the circumstances, she might be able to help.”
Fred gave a hopeful grin and a tentative finger-wiggle of a wave. “Hey, two heads are better than one, right? I mean, unless you’re talking about Dubletet demons…in that case if you only get two then you’re lucky. I’m babbling, aren’t I? I’ll stop.”
“Why don’t we get started? You’ve got everything I mentioned in my text, right?”
“Yup. Everything’s upstairs. Come on.”
***
“Wow, you weren’t kidding,” Angel said, staring at the glowing red numbers. “This is pretty bad.”
“I just…this is worse than anything I’ve ever had to deal with. I’ve fought demons, vamps, even a god. But this…I just have no clue how to beat it.”
“Well, here’s your first problem.” Angel clicked back a page, selected a box, typed briefly. The livid numbers spun rapidly down, dropping from four figures to three.
“Whoa! How did you make that happen?!” Buffy exclaimed.
“Simple. You were filing as single…”
“Um, duh - I am single. Remember?”
“Yes, but you’re also supporting a houseful of dependents. File as head of household, and you automatically get another exemption. I added Dawn as your qualifying dependent. Now, who else do you support here?”
“Not sure. Does Willow count?”
“Does she support herself?”
“Ya know, that’s a good question. I think she’s still in school.”
“Her folks probably claim her,” Fred pointed out from beneath a heap of papers.
“Okay, then you probably can’t. How about all those random girls with multicolored hair we passed on the way up?”
“The Potentials? But they only got here and I think Giles is helping to pay for them.”
“The IRS doesn’t care how long they’ve been here, and trust me - the Watchers don’t pay US taxes. Let’s start adding names.”
Angel’s fingers flew across the keyboard. The numbers whirled down to zero, then abruptly turned green and started flying back up.
“Wait - what did you just do? Green usually isn’t good. Is green good here?”
“Yup - that’s your refund. And we’ve only started. The house is in your name, so you can deduct mortgage interest and property tax. Fred, how’re you doing on that?”
“Got it!” Fred waved a sheaf of papers triumphantly aloft. “Oh, and you can claim work expenses. How much did you spend on stakes and chainsaws? I think you can also get away with claiming demonproofing spell components and construction work as an energy credit…let me double-check that.”
Buffy’s shoulders slumped in relief as the green numbers continued to climb. “Wow, thanks. You have no idea how relieved I am - when I saw how much that stupid website said I owed, I thought I was going to pass out. This will be a huge help.”
“Hey, no problem. Happy to help,” Angel said. “I will say, I’m a little surprised you called me. Not that I’m not glad to come, but I kind of thought you were doing the independent thing.”
“I’m trying. But taxes are scary, grown-up stuff, and you’ve been a grown-up for longer than anyone else I know. Well, that I haven’t killed.”
“What about Spike? He’s been around almost as long as I have.”
“Spike eats his accountants. He’s no help.”
Angel laughed, then his expression turned serious. “You know, Buffy, I spent most of my ‘adult’ years running wild as a monster, then hiding in the sewers and eating rats. It’s really only been the last few years or so that I’ve done the responsible grown-up thing myself.”
“Huh, hadn’t thought of that,” Buffy said. “I suppose we’re all just making it up as we go.”
“Yeah, we all are.”
Both of them fell into a pensive silence, broken shortly by a loud whoop from Fred.
“Hey, look at this! California has a qualifying Hellmouth credit! Wow, your state refund is gonna be HUGE!”
Author's Note: This was inspired by sakon76's comment that "adult themed" stories should be about stuff like paying taxes and doing laundry. Challenge accepted!