i guess i cant write enough about this.
i hate feelings. i dont want to feel anything right now. i dont like how i feel. i hate it, in fact. expecially how that giddy happy feeling i sometimes get only lasts for a very short time period. how i feel when i think no one wants to talk to me. how i feel after i start rambling becuase i hope itll give someone an idea and theyll talk to me about it and explore it. i hate how i feel once i think im an idiot, which is often. i hate how i feel when your parents make a huge deal to see you for what you think will just be a dinner, and so you are very short tempered about it, but then they tell you the whole reason they tried so hard to get out to eat with you is becuase they want to tell you face to face that someone you value very much has recently died. someone you saw as such an awesome person that they would live forever. their entirely random phone calls, or visits from colorado, where so amazing. you saw him everyone in your future. he would be at your wedding, if that ever happened, and at your college graduation, and at a random dinner party....he was always there in one way or another. and then you realize he truely wont be. he has died, and you are again faced with mortality. something that is hard to grasp even when you are 18 years old. i hate this feeling. the feeling that i know alot, becuase ive had so many experiences in my 18yrs, that i know generally how to do somethings. but then this unexpected one hits you from nowhere and youre defences are all down. its such a shock.
you dont know what to think, except you dont want to feel this. anymore.
im tired of feeling sad, lonely, depressed, useless, discharded, unwanted, cheated, foolish, pathetic, the list goes on.
id like to feel happy, important, talented, essential, loved and cared for, considered, talked to, adored....but i dont.
i feel like an idiot. becuase even though i had no way of being prepared for this, i feel i should. and i hate feeling.
my uncle phred was the first person i truely knew and cared for alot that has died. and im totally devastated. its not like a girlfriend dumping you. becuase the hope that something will still be is there after that. its that he is dead, he is gone, and i will never see him again. and i feel like a prick, becuase i dont feel he was a big enough part of my life then he could have been.
he was an only child. his parents were both gone. he had hardly any living relitives...we were the only ones, his friends. and he lived so far from us that we hardly saw him. it hurts to say that sometimes i forgot about him. but whenever the phone rang, and i heard his voice on the other end after i answered it, it was like light was peaking through the clouds again, and everything would be ok. just the pure joy of seeing him, and talking to him, was enough to make even the largest problems completely dissapear. at this point i cant imagine a life where he didnt pop into our lives whenever he happened to, whenever you got onto a plane. becuase thats what he did: whatever he wanted. responsibility was lesser for him, it seems. but that didnt make him any worse a person. he was one of the greatest people i knew, and it makes me proud to say that he was one of my few role models as a little kid.
i dont know when this entry turned into a eulogy but i think its worth it. as i sit here typing, the tears streaming down my face, i remember phred. i loved him for all that my childish imagination saw him to be.
you dont know what to think, except you dont want to feel this. anymore.
im tired of feeling sad, lonely, depressed, useless, discharded, unwanted, cheated, foolish, pathetic, the list goes on.
id like to feel happy, important, talented, essential, loved and cared for, considered, talked to, adored....but i dont.
i feel like an idiot. becuase even though i had no way of being prepared for this, i feel i should. and i hate feeling.
my uncle phred was the first person i truely knew and cared for alot that has died. and im totally devastated. its not like a girlfriend dumping you. becuase the hope that something will still be is there after that. its that he is dead, he is gone, and i will never see him again. and i feel like a prick, becuase i dont feel he was a big enough part of my life then he could have been.
he was an only child. his parents were both gone. he had hardly any living relitives...we were the only ones, his friends. and he lived so far from us that we hardly saw him. it hurts to say that sometimes i forgot about him. but whenever the phone rang, and i heard his voice on the other end after i answered it, it was like light was peaking through the clouds again, and everything would be ok. just the pure joy of seeing him, and talking to him, was enough to make even the largest problems completely dissapear. at this point i cant imagine a life where he didnt pop into our lives whenever he happened to, whenever you got onto a plane. becuase thats what he did: whatever he wanted. responsibility was lesser for him, it seems. but that didnt make him any worse a person. he was one of the greatest people i knew, and it makes me proud to say that he was one of my few role models as a little kid.
i dont know when this entry turned into a eulogy but i think its worth it. as i sit here typing, the tears streaming down my face, i remember phred. i loved him for all that my childish imagination saw him to be.