Huh.
I don't know really what I'm going to write about.. I think I'll just let my mind wander. All I know is that I'm in the midst of trying to let go of something I thought (for ONCE) had a future, and I'm toward the end of accepting that it was, in reference, just the same as all the others from beginning to end. Just the fucking same. It still amazes me that I'm prone to fall for it anyway. I'm so smart, really. So fucking smart. I don't get why I fall for the same thing with different faces, different words, over and over again. It's really just the same pattern. I should have known that from the beginning. Well, I suppose, forgive me for having a little fucking hope in human kind. How silly of me.
Anyway. I've lost a lot in the past month. Friend-wise, relationship-wise; either or. I think, deep down, I wish both would come back...but I suppose that's just what you get for being a self-righteous, and at the same time, self-conscious piece of shit with no present regard for other's feelings. No matter how much I am made a scape goat, a piece of it is always true. I think that's what hurts the most. The fact that no matter how blown out of proportion is it, it's always marginally true. Fuck.. Either way it fucking hurts. No one really knows me. Hah. Wow. How ironic. There is someone so close to me that we consider ourselves to be almost the same person, yet secretly she knows nothing of the pain that I feel.
I suppose that is just because deep down, I know that this is a battle only I can fight; only I can fix in a way that keeps me happy for more that a day, a week, a month. A fight, only I and I alone can win. There is no use for allies in a battle like this.
Yet, in the end, we're only monkies anyway. How pathetic.
Anyway. I've lost a lot in the past month. Friend-wise, relationship-wise; either or. I think, deep down, I wish both would come back...but I suppose that's just what you get for being a self-righteous, and at the same time, self-conscious piece of shit with no present regard for other's feelings. No matter how much I am made a scape goat, a piece of it is always true. I think that's what hurts the most. The fact that no matter how blown out of proportion is it, it's always marginally true. Fuck.. Either way it fucking hurts. No one really knows me. Hah. Wow. How ironic. There is someone so close to me that we consider ourselves to be almost the same person, yet secretly she knows nothing of the pain that I feel.
I suppose that is just because deep down, I know that this is a battle only I can fight; only I can fix in a way that keeps me happy for more that a day, a week, a month. A fight, only I and I alone can win. There is no use for allies in a battle like this.
Yet, in the end, we're only monkies anyway. How pathetic.