(no subject)
things change.
people change.
situations change.
people move on.
in and out of people's lives.
they have their own needs and wants.
they want to make themselves happy first, no matter what they say.
they want to make their own decisions and do what they want to do.
some will deny it for the longest time.
others will know it as soon as it hits them.
people grow and change.
they don't like being stuck in the same scenery or place.
i don't what anyone says about hating change.
PEOPLE GET BORED OF THE SAME OLD ROUTINE.
so they change it in one way or another.
they hate being the same "person." well, character.
whether it's for 22 years or 17 months.
when they do reach out to the other side,
they do it gently or roughly.
they might not even take other people's feelings into consideration.
or they might think about the other person's feelings way too much.
maybe it's a shield that blocking their bridge to change.
but no matter what,
there's only one thing that's been able to be concluded.
no one can make up your mind for them. not even the ones they love.
for me,
my two male figures are walking out of my life.
they have better things to accomplish and they want to continue their journey in their lives.
the funny thing is, it's true.
they both truly want to see what else is out there.
maybe something better? even if it's not for the better, they're curious.
they want to keep searching. keep changing. grow older.
and me, i'm just standing here waving goodbye.
alone. except for the tears rolling down my eyes.
my words of, "stay. don't leave. i love you" to both
is just a faint whisper.
i feel an empty hole inside that's ironically,
overwhelming. like an explosion.
i sit here and whine and cry and not talk to anyone
but the more i do this,
the more i feel like i deserve all the pain i'm getting
b/c i'm making myself FEEL like this.
a part of me is telling myself to be strong grow up with them,
just not in the same direction.
i need to fake a smile first.
then the real laughters will come.
i dont know what the fuck i'm talking about at this point.
i know im not making any fucking sense.
all i know is that this is probabaly the hardest thing i'm going to have to go throught
and i am not looking forward to it.
the only thing i can do is tell myself that i'm only gorwing up
and if i'm optimistic about everything,
i'll learn and become a better person.
maybe i'll find a new guy in my life.
my "ideal" guy that i never got.
my little musician with awesome hair. ;)
maybe my dad and mom WILL be happier.
maybe they WILL become "better friends."
i dont fucking know.
everything happens for a reason, i know.
but i just can't handle everything at once.
it's just not fair.
it's just harder when NO ONE is there for you...
no family. no best friends. no boyfriend.
& the sad thing is,
i would've dropped EVERYTHING for them to be there for them.
i'd drive to irvine to hold them.
i'd stay up ALL night on the phone just to listen.
i'd get up in the middle of class and go outside just to let them vent.
i'd drive to their houses and pick them up without them willing just to make sure they have an amazing time and get their minds off of everything.
i'd rent movies and just watch it in silent so they wouldnt have to think about their problems anymore.
i'd go and bring them their favorite snack or food just to put a smile on their face.
i'd do ANYTHING. the smallest thing.
but i'd drop EVERYTHING.
but i don't FEEEEL like they would do the same.
i "hear" that people are sorry for me.
i "read" about people being invited to places days in advance
but i don't get a phone call until LITERALLY the day of,
but ONLY because i made some sort of comment.
i'm a burden, i know.
no one wants to take care of a sad person. i get it.
just fucking leave me alone.
i hate everyone.
people change.
situations change.
people move on.
in and out of people's lives.
they have their own needs and wants.
they want to make themselves happy first, no matter what they say.
they want to make their own decisions and do what they want to do.
some will deny it for the longest time.
others will know it as soon as it hits them.
people grow and change.
they don't like being stuck in the same scenery or place.
i don't what anyone says about hating change.
PEOPLE GET BORED OF THE SAME OLD ROUTINE.
so they change it in one way or another.
they hate being the same "person." well, character.
whether it's for 22 years or 17 months.
when they do reach out to the other side,
they do it gently or roughly.
they might not even take other people's feelings into consideration.
or they might think about the other person's feelings way too much.
maybe it's a shield that blocking their bridge to change.
but no matter what,
there's only one thing that's been able to be concluded.
no one can make up your mind for them. not even the ones they love.
for me,
my two male figures are walking out of my life.
they have better things to accomplish and they want to continue their journey in their lives.
the funny thing is, it's true.
they both truly want to see what else is out there.
maybe something better? even if it's not for the better, they're curious.
they want to keep searching. keep changing. grow older.
and me, i'm just standing here waving goodbye.
alone. except for the tears rolling down my eyes.
my words of, "stay. don't leave. i love you" to both
is just a faint whisper.
i feel an empty hole inside that's ironically,
overwhelming. like an explosion.
i sit here and whine and cry and not talk to anyone
but the more i do this,
the more i feel like i deserve all the pain i'm getting
b/c i'm making myself FEEL like this.
a part of me is telling myself to be strong grow up with them,
just not in the same direction.
i need to fake a smile first.
then the real laughters will come.
i dont know what the fuck i'm talking about at this point.
i know im not making any fucking sense.
all i know is that this is probabaly the hardest thing i'm going to have to go throught
and i am not looking forward to it.
the only thing i can do is tell myself that i'm only gorwing up
and if i'm optimistic about everything,
i'll learn and become a better person.
maybe i'll find a new guy in my life.
my "ideal" guy that i never got.
my little musician with awesome hair. ;)
maybe my dad and mom WILL be happier.
maybe they WILL become "better friends."
i dont fucking know.
everything happens for a reason, i know.
but i just can't handle everything at once.
it's just not fair.
it's just harder when NO ONE is there for you...
no family. no best friends. no boyfriend.
& the sad thing is,
i would've dropped EVERYTHING for them to be there for them.
i'd drive to irvine to hold them.
i'd stay up ALL night on the phone just to listen.
i'd get up in the middle of class and go outside just to let them vent.
i'd drive to their houses and pick them up without them willing just to make sure they have an amazing time and get their minds off of everything.
i'd rent movies and just watch it in silent so they wouldnt have to think about their problems anymore.
i'd go and bring them their favorite snack or food just to put a smile on their face.
i'd do ANYTHING. the smallest thing.
but i'd drop EVERYTHING.
but i don't FEEEEL like they would do the same.
i "hear" that people are sorry for me.
i "read" about people being invited to places days in advance
but i don't get a phone call until LITERALLY the day of,
but ONLY because i made some sort of comment.
i'm a burden, i know.
no one wants to take care of a sad person. i get it.
just fucking leave me alone.
i hate everyone.