We may be through with crazy, but crazy ain't through with us!
been a while since i posted last, but rest assured all is well.
i've been restless and antsy lately and it's come out of me like venom. i've been more, i don't know, touchy and easy to rile, so i figured i needed to get laid! well, not really, but the thought has crossed my mind. anyway, last monday i sang at "sing out, louise," did a few patter songs and a ballad when there was hardly anyone there to hear, and ran into a slew of old friends. one of which i haven't seen since i was 18. let's just say, he dove me home. nothing serious, nothing scandalous, just drove me home. and the next night we went to dinner. it was nice to be on a date knowing full well that it was a date and not surrounded by middle school intrigue of "does he like me, does he not." but i have to say that, perhaps it's my half forced, half elected independance of the last few years, (ok, near a decade), i didn't enjoy myself enough to want to start anything serious.
i feel semi-awful about it snce he's a swell guy and so cute and so sweet, but this tree is not for barking, my dear. go spend our time in more productive ways.
and this is the third or fourth guy i've done this to. all kind, all sweet, all vulnerable and brave, but i am in my island phase, and perfectly happy to float alone.
and that brings me to the crazy portion of this post. i have/had this friend who has the same aversion to friendships as i have with relationships. i've seen her test waters by telling people who are getting close to her that she needs a break from them and after a week or so she's back at the movie theatre or in the restaurant with them. it always seemed like she was making excuses, coming up with scenarios so that this other person wold realise how important she is to them. in other words, she's playing games. and i guess it was my turn at bat last week.
i had written and called her, asking if she wanted to go to the cabaret with me, (insert a sally bowles joke here) and she never returned e or voice mail. it was the next day when i got a letter back saying that we had reached a point in our friendship where we have no common ground, etc. etc. i wrote back stating that she had misread the situation, and that if two friends care for each other, that should be common ground enough. i knew the game she was playing because i have played it before and it's bored me everytime. she recalled a time when she dropped something off to me and expected to spend the day in my apartment but apparently i "shooed" her out and that hurt her feelings. understandable, if that was what actually happened. in reality i really dislike having people over to my place because it's small, dirty and i have no furniture. i love my apartment when it's me and miles, but add someone else and i am as uncomfortable as a college football player in a fabric store. so instead i offered to take her to dinner, ("i already ate") or to get ice cream, ("no thanks.") she's a movie buff so i offered to treat her, ("i've seen everything.") so i said ok and she went home. in her email she said how she's tired of restaurants and movie theatres. news to me.
here's the thing: i have so few friends that i hang out with. one reason is because i likes my alone time. another is that i feel so alienated by people around me that i never imagine anyone would want to hang out. my gay friends like to go out dancing and this is not a disco body. my straight friends have their boyfriends or girlfriends, and i would never ask to encroach on their special time. plus there's the whole, i have no car and gas is expensive, so unless i can walk there i'll just stay home thing. so when someone actually wants to spend time with me, they should tell me. nothing would make me blush more.
unless of course you want to sleep with me and then i have to question your motives until the idea has no lustre whatsoever. but that's my hurdle.
this lady seems to change her mind and think "if you're my real friend, you'd KNOW what i'm thinking without me having to tell you." NO!!! i have many talents, but telepathy is not one!
anyway, this is long and probably boring so i'm gonna sleep.
'night!
i've been restless and antsy lately and it's come out of me like venom. i've been more, i don't know, touchy and easy to rile, so i figured i needed to get laid! well, not really, but the thought has crossed my mind. anyway, last monday i sang at "sing out, louise," did a few patter songs and a ballad when there was hardly anyone there to hear, and ran into a slew of old friends. one of which i haven't seen since i was 18. let's just say, he dove me home. nothing serious, nothing scandalous, just drove me home. and the next night we went to dinner. it was nice to be on a date knowing full well that it was a date and not surrounded by middle school intrigue of "does he like me, does he not." but i have to say that, perhaps it's my half forced, half elected independance of the last few years, (ok, near a decade), i didn't enjoy myself enough to want to start anything serious.
i feel semi-awful about it snce he's a swell guy and so cute and so sweet, but this tree is not for barking, my dear. go spend our time in more productive ways.
and this is the third or fourth guy i've done this to. all kind, all sweet, all vulnerable and brave, but i am in my island phase, and perfectly happy to float alone.
and that brings me to the crazy portion of this post. i have/had this friend who has the same aversion to friendships as i have with relationships. i've seen her test waters by telling people who are getting close to her that she needs a break from them and after a week or so she's back at the movie theatre or in the restaurant with them. it always seemed like she was making excuses, coming up with scenarios so that this other person wold realise how important she is to them. in other words, she's playing games. and i guess it was my turn at bat last week.
i had written and called her, asking if she wanted to go to the cabaret with me, (insert a sally bowles joke here) and she never returned e or voice mail. it was the next day when i got a letter back saying that we had reached a point in our friendship where we have no common ground, etc. etc. i wrote back stating that she had misread the situation, and that if two friends care for each other, that should be common ground enough. i knew the game she was playing because i have played it before and it's bored me everytime. she recalled a time when she dropped something off to me and expected to spend the day in my apartment but apparently i "shooed" her out and that hurt her feelings. understandable, if that was what actually happened. in reality i really dislike having people over to my place because it's small, dirty and i have no furniture. i love my apartment when it's me and miles, but add someone else and i am as uncomfortable as a college football player in a fabric store. so instead i offered to take her to dinner, ("i already ate") or to get ice cream, ("no thanks.") she's a movie buff so i offered to treat her, ("i've seen everything.") so i said ok and she went home. in her email she said how she's tired of restaurants and movie theatres. news to me.
here's the thing: i have so few friends that i hang out with. one reason is because i likes my alone time. another is that i feel so alienated by people around me that i never imagine anyone would want to hang out. my gay friends like to go out dancing and this is not a disco body. my straight friends have their boyfriends or girlfriends, and i would never ask to encroach on their special time. plus there's the whole, i have no car and gas is expensive, so unless i can walk there i'll just stay home thing. so when someone actually wants to spend time with me, they should tell me. nothing would make me blush more.
unless of course you want to sleep with me and then i have to question your motives until the idea has no lustre whatsoever. but that's my hurdle.
this lady seems to change her mind and think "if you're my real friend, you'd KNOW what i'm thinking without me having to tell you." NO!!! i have many talents, but telepathy is not one!
anyway, this is long and probably boring so i'm gonna sleep.
'night!