I've done it again
I've hurt yet another girl.
Why is it that any time I get close to someone i start pushing them away any chance I get? What is it I'm so afraid of? Actually liking somebody?
I don't know why I do it, and I don't know if I'll ever stop, is this supposed to be natural? Am I supposed to just know instinctively what I want and that I'm hurting people with the things I do. I don't think I mean to, I don't set out to do so. Am I sabotaging myself because of that ever lingering notion of wanting more, better? Have I maybe been putting out this guy that is so easy to hate because it makes it easier to cut and run?
I don't know.
It seems more and more that I know less and less about who I am and what I want, day after day. It's getting worse, every two steps I take another three backwards. I'm working my way right back into that sheltered ball. I really think I have some sort of real distinct problem. My exploits seem to be known, but I don't think a single person knows anything other than those exploits, not even myself.
I don't know how to be human.
I don't know how to replace my robot batteries either.
The worst thing about all of this is that I'm numb, waiting for it to hit me. Hit me. Just fucking hit me. It's not as though I feel nothing but, it's a freezing cold that pains for a minute and gets tucked away soon after. I need to be derailed from this track I'm on. I need to be floored. I need to be something different than I am. I need to talk to someone very specific right now but I don't know if that person exists as they once did. Not to me,not in the same way.
that right there leaves me with nothing. I do it to myself, and I don't know how to change it. I'm demolishing my rational self from the inside out and I have been going through a system melt down with out anyone to back me up.
I miss having a friend.
Even though a friend wont help what I do to myself, and to others.
I'm sorry every day of my life.
But when did I harden so much that I can't shed a tear for someone in pain, especially when it's pain I cause and feel so shitty about?
Why is it that any time I get close to someone i start pushing them away any chance I get? What is it I'm so afraid of? Actually liking somebody?
I don't know why I do it, and I don't know if I'll ever stop, is this supposed to be natural? Am I supposed to just know instinctively what I want and that I'm hurting people with the things I do. I don't think I mean to, I don't set out to do so. Am I sabotaging myself because of that ever lingering notion of wanting more, better? Have I maybe been putting out this guy that is so easy to hate because it makes it easier to cut and run?
I don't know.
It seems more and more that I know less and less about who I am and what I want, day after day. It's getting worse, every two steps I take another three backwards. I'm working my way right back into that sheltered ball. I really think I have some sort of real distinct problem. My exploits seem to be known, but I don't think a single person knows anything other than those exploits, not even myself.
I don't know how to be human.
I don't know how to replace my robot batteries either.
The worst thing about all of this is that I'm numb, waiting for it to hit me. Hit me. Just fucking hit me. It's not as though I feel nothing but, it's a freezing cold that pains for a minute and gets tucked away soon after. I need to be derailed from this track I'm on. I need to be floored. I need to be something different than I am. I need to talk to someone very specific right now but I don't know if that person exists as they once did. Not to me,not in the same way.
that right there leaves me with nothing. I do it to myself, and I don't know how to change it. I'm demolishing my rational self from the inside out and I have been going through a system melt down with out anyone to back me up.
I miss having a friend.
Even though a friend wont help what I do to myself, and to others.
I'm sorry every day of my life.
But when did I harden so much that I can't shed a tear for someone in pain, especially when it's pain I cause and feel so shitty about?