(no subject)
What is this feeling: Confessions of an aging fangirl.
The year 2015 has not started well for me. I am agitated and upset. Not because of health, friends, family or job. They are all good. And not even because of the news of plane crashes, protests, and murders of policemen. For better or worse, I can usually compartmentalize and not let the headlines affect my day. No, what has me tossing and turning at night in regret and concern is one musical note sung in twenty degree weather in front of a million people in Times Square. And I didn’t even sing it--Idina Menzel did. Let me make clear, I am not complaining about her performance. It wasn’t her best but so what. What has riled me is the criticism and ridicule on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and rest of the Internet maw that Menzel has received about the supposedly botched money note at the end of 2014’s ubiquitous song Let It Go. Mine is a strange but apparently not unique reaction. I feel actual rage at the insults and jokes and have this compulsion to, as one other Menzel fan posted, “defend her at all costs.”
Which brings me to a fundamental question. Why do I care? Frankly, I have no idea. Up until the middle of 2014 I only had a general awareness of Idina Menzel. I had seen her in both the play and movie of Rent, which I certainly enjoyed but didn’t obsess about. I knew she was married to Taye Diggs and played Rachel’s mother on Glee. And although I was aware of the whole Adele Dazeem thing at the Oscars, it didn’t mean that much at the time. Menzel simply wasn’t on my radar, or someone I ever spontaneously thought about.
So what happened? I guess it started in August when an old childhood friend from Denver visited me in New York and brought her 15-year-old daughter to see the City for the first time. I took them to Wicked, which I had never seen. During the performance, as is my wont, I kept checking the Playbill to see how many songs were left. Not that I didn’t enjoy it but as I age, my attention span seems to shorten. The leads were fine, although we had an understudy for Elphaba. But I didn’t walk out of the theater thinking my life had altered.
But clearly it had, at least for the time being. It had been over ten years since Menzel had originated the role of the Green Witch so there was nothing about seeing the 2014 cast that should have started a fixation with someone who had played the role a decade earlier. But, to quote a phrase, something had changed within me. Even though I hadn’t been wowed by the musical while I was sitting there, I kept thinking about it afterwards And what is defining about modern digital life is once you start thinking about something, you can quickly become completely immersed in the topic and all of its off shoots. So a YouTube clip of the 2004 Tony awards led to a bootleg version of Kristin Chenoweth’s last performance as Glinda led to Menzel’s red track suit appearance after her injury led to a reunion rendition of “For Good” at Macy’s led to rehearsal clips of the same performance and so on and so on. It’s like going back in time and discovering it anew. Pretty cool actually.
By viewing the iconic moments, the milestones, over and over you start to feel the connection. And the more you watch the more you feel you know. About even the more obscure events. Like you could go up to Menzel someday and say, hey, remember when you were on PBS and were surprised by Tracy Thom’s father.
You also realize that as weird as an activity as trolling the internet for Idina Menzel clips seems, you are definitely not alone. There is a community of her fans, aka Fanzels, most of whom have probably never been to Broadway. And like most fandoms these days, they aren’t shy about expressing themselves. Celebrity worship is no longer a passive activity. You have websites, and message boards and Twitter feeds and for those who really want to take it to the next level, fan fiction. I love fan fiction and have even written some but I had never read any real people stuff before. The vast majority of Menzel fan fiction consists of depictions of a (usually doomed) love affair between Menzel and with her Wicked co-star, Chenoweth. (The Menzel/Chenoweth relationship is a source of endless fascination for fans-are they friends, enemies, casual colleagues-who knows?) The authors, some of whom are quite talented, try to dispel the stalkerish quality of their work through disclaimers-- “I do not own Idina Menzel and this is in no way intended as a depiction of or disrespect for a real person.” OK, if you say so.
But I didn’t need fiction to nourish my Menzel devotion. There was plenty of current material to fan the flames. Of course there was Frozen and Let it Go, with their billion hits on YouTube and a zillion Elsa costumes. There was her play, If/Then, which I have seen twice. There was her holiday album, Holiday Wishes, which reached the Billboard top ten for the first time in her recording career. (And even inspired a very funny parody. Google it.) The latter part of 2014 was probably the best time ever to be a Fanzel.
From Thanksgiving on, Idina was everywhere. The Macy’s parade, the Today Show, the Tonight Show, The View, The Chew, Kelly and Michael, the Billboard Awards, Bloomingdales, I Heart Radio. And in every performance she looked and sounded great, all while doing the whole 8 shows a week thing. I have to say I was nervous. I kept thinking: she can’t keep it up, she has a cold, she has a kid, she needs a rest. I definitely had a bad feeling about her appearance in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. It was too much. She was tempting fate. When the time came, I couldn’t even watch but simply checked Twitter to gauge the reaction. And when the negative reviews came in, I just felt really really bad. Not for the audience or me but for her. Again, I wasn’t alone. For some reason, Menzel inspires this powerful protective instinct among her fans and colleagues, some of whom have eloquently sprung to her defense. How would you like it if every screw up at work was played over and over and over on Vine?
About a year and half ago, Zadie Smith wrote a New Yorker piece about her “discovery” of Joni Mitchell (whom both Menzel and I adore). How dislike or indifference suddenly turned into love for no apparent reason. Something similar happened to me last year and I can’t explain it. It may be because Menzel is uncommonly appealing in interviews, funny and honest and smart with a refreshingly self-deprecating perspective on fame. Her voice, particularly in the lower registers, can be supremely moving. The roles she has played, the misunderstood outsiders, just speak to me (as well every girl and gay man between the ages of three and eighty). And as I know from my visits to If/Then, she is a sublime live performer and a really good actress. It could be her combination of personality and talent or maybe it is just mysterious alchemy.
So, even though I am closer to 70 than 30, Menzel has made me feel like a 14 year old fangirl. And I think that’s a good thing. Surprising and energizing at my age. I hope it fades a little bit in the upcoming months, though. I have a lot of work coming up and really cannot keep checking the Menzel Twitter feed, the Broadway chat rooms and the If/Then box offices grosses as much as I have. So I should take a break from fandom. At least until her world tour this summer. Idina, see you in July in Connecticut, fourth row center. And if you mess up the last high note of Let It Go, not a problem, not a problem at all.
The year 2015 has not started well for me. I am agitated and upset. Not because of health, friends, family or job. They are all good. And not even because of the news of plane crashes, protests, and murders of policemen. For better or worse, I can usually compartmentalize and not let the headlines affect my day. No, what has me tossing and turning at night in regret and concern is one musical note sung in twenty degree weather in front of a million people in Times Square. And I didn’t even sing it--Idina Menzel did. Let me make clear, I am not complaining about her performance. It wasn’t her best but so what. What has riled me is the criticism and ridicule on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and rest of the Internet maw that Menzel has received about the supposedly botched money note at the end of 2014’s ubiquitous song Let It Go. Mine is a strange but apparently not unique reaction. I feel actual rage at the insults and jokes and have this compulsion to, as one other Menzel fan posted, “defend her at all costs.”
Which brings me to a fundamental question. Why do I care? Frankly, I have no idea. Up until the middle of 2014 I only had a general awareness of Idina Menzel. I had seen her in both the play and movie of Rent, which I certainly enjoyed but didn’t obsess about. I knew she was married to Taye Diggs and played Rachel’s mother on Glee. And although I was aware of the whole Adele Dazeem thing at the Oscars, it didn’t mean that much at the time. Menzel simply wasn’t on my radar, or someone I ever spontaneously thought about.
So what happened? I guess it started in August when an old childhood friend from Denver visited me in New York and brought her 15-year-old daughter to see the City for the first time. I took them to Wicked, which I had never seen. During the performance, as is my wont, I kept checking the Playbill to see how many songs were left. Not that I didn’t enjoy it but as I age, my attention span seems to shorten. The leads were fine, although we had an understudy for Elphaba. But I didn’t walk out of the theater thinking my life had altered.
But clearly it had, at least for the time being. It had been over ten years since Menzel had originated the role of the Green Witch so there was nothing about seeing the 2014 cast that should have started a fixation with someone who had played the role a decade earlier. But, to quote a phrase, something had changed within me. Even though I hadn’t been wowed by the musical while I was sitting there, I kept thinking about it afterwards And what is defining about modern digital life is once you start thinking about something, you can quickly become completely immersed in the topic and all of its off shoots. So a YouTube clip of the 2004 Tony awards led to a bootleg version of Kristin Chenoweth’s last performance as Glinda led to Menzel’s red track suit appearance after her injury led to a reunion rendition of “For Good” at Macy’s led to rehearsal clips of the same performance and so on and so on. It’s like going back in time and discovering it anew. Pretty cool actually.
By viewing the iconic moments, the milestones, over and over you start to feel the connection. And the more you watch the more you feel you know. About even the more obscure events. Like you could go up to Menzel someday and say, hey, remember when you were on PBS and were surprised by Tracy Thom’s father.
You also realize that as weird as an activity as trolling the internet for Idina Menzel clips seems, you are definitely not alone. There is a community of her fans, aka Fanzels, most of whom have probably never been to Broadway. And like most fandoms these days, they aren’t shy about expressing themselves. Celebrity worship is no longer a passive activity. You have websites, and message boards and Twitter feeds and for those who really want to take it to the next level, fan fiction. I love fan fiction and have even written some but I had never read any real people stuff before. The vast majority of Menzel fan fiction consists of depictions of a (usually doomed) love affair between Menzel and with her Wicked co-star, Chenoweth. (The Menzel/Chenoweth relationship is a source of endless fascination for fans-are they friends, enemies, casual colleagues-who knows?) The authors, some of whom are quite talented, try to dispel the stalkerish quality of their work through disclaimers-- “I do not own Idina Menzel and this is in no way intended as a depiction of or disrespect for a real person.” OK, if you say so.
But I didn’t need fiction to nourish my Menzel devotion. There was plenty of current material to fan the flames. Of course there was Frozen and Let it Go, with their billion hits on YouTube and a zillion Elsa costumes. There was her play, If/Then, which I have seen twice. There was her holiday album, Holiday Wishes, which reached the Billboard top ten for the first time in her recording career. (And even inspired a very funny parody. Google it.) The latter part of 2014 was probably the best time ever to be a Fanzel.
From Thanksgiving on, Idina was everywhere. The Macy’s parade, the Today Show, the Tonight Show, The View, The Chew, Kelly and Michael, the Billboard Awards, Bloomingdales, I Heart Radio. And in every performance she looked and sounded great, all while doing the whole 8 shows a week thing. I have to say I was nervous. I kept thinking: she can’t keep it up, she has a cold, she has a kid, she needs a rest. I definitely had a bad feeling about her appearance in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. It was too much. She was tempting fate. When the time came, I couldn’t even watch but simply checked Twitter to gauge the reaction. And when the negative reviews came in, I just felt really really bad. Not for the audience or me but for her. Again, I wasn’t alone. For some reason, Menzel inspires this powerful protective instinct among her fans and colleagues, some of whom have eloquently sprung to her defense. How would you like it if every screw up at work was played over and over and over on Vine?
About a year and half ago, Zadie Smith wrote a New Yorker piece about her “discovery” of Joni Mitchell (whom both Menzel and I adore). How dislike or indifference suddenly turned into love for no apparent reason. Something similar happened to me last year and I can’t explain it. It may be because Menzel is uncommonly appealing in interviews, funny and honest and smart with a refreshingly self-deprecating perspective on fame. Her voice, particularly in the lower registers, can be supremely moving. The roles she has played, the misunderstood outsiders, just speak to me (as well every girl and gay man between the ages of three and eighty). And as I know from my visits to If/Then, she is a sublime live performer and a really good actress. It could be her combination of personality and talent or maybe it is just mysterious alchemy.
So, even though I am closer to 70 than 30, Menzel has made me feel like a 14 year old fangirl. And I think that’s a good thing. Surprising and energizing at my age. I hope it fades a little bit in the upcoming months, though. I have a lot of work coming up and really cannot keep checking the Menzel Twitter feed, the Broadway chat rooms and the If/Then box offices grosses as much as I have. So I should take a break from fandom. At least until her world tour this summer. Idina, see you in July in Connecticut, fourth row center. And if you mess up the last high note of Let It Go, not a problem, not a problem at all.