Oh, Christmas.
I am tired and my body has finally given out. There is no longer a desire for more sleep, for nutrition, for hydration, relaxation or vice. I feel run down and I don't know what I need anymore. It's no small coincidence that Frankie and I had a relatively serious argument lastnight before falling asleep and today, I woke up to a mildly annoying head cold.
Holli recommended a book to me, and I finally got around to picking it up last week while Christmas shopping. Hooked is a book of Buddhist writings on greed, desire, consumerism and the the toll it takes/has taken on, well, everything. I'm interested in learning more about what it is that prevents me from letting go of things, what urges me to "acquire," my personal dissatisfaction and the suffering I cause myself as a result. I feel like I've been missing the whole point these past four years. I never expected to have it all figured out by now, and maybe I'm doing better than I think I am. But there's my point. Maybe the path I'm on is the right one. I can't stick to a damn thing. This girl has got no follow-through.
To change the subject, this might be my last year celebrating a traditional Christmas. This year I succeeded in finding a tree and decorating it in the company of friends, baking sweet things and enjoying seasonal spirits. Those are wonderful things. Why I wasn't doing it all along, I don't know. Here I am, two nights remaining before the holiday, a weekend full of family commitments, and I'm still shopping. I have picked out wonderful things to give to those closest to me, and I'm still going. This isn't enough. They deserve more. I'm so fucking strung out on giving right now I can't stand it. Ahhhh that's enough for now... there's alot of thinking to be done. It's quarter past two in the morning and I've got to wake up for work in five hours or so.
If the day were given more hours, I would take them for granted.
Holli recommended a book to me, and I finally got around to picking it up last week while Christmas shopping. Hooked is a book of Buddhist writings on greed, desire, consumerism and the the toll it takes/has taken on, well, everything. I'm interested in learning more about what it is that prevents me from letting go of things, what urges me to "acquire," my personal dissatisfaction and the suffering I cause myself as a result. I feel like I've been missing the whole point these past four years. I never expected to have it all figured out by now, and maybe I'm doing better than I think I am. But there's my point. Maybe the path I'm on is the right one. I can't stick to a damn thing. This girl has got no follow-through.
To change the subject, this might be my last year celebrating a traditional Christmas. This year I succeeded in finding a tree and decorating it in the company of friends, baking sweet things and enjoying seasonal spirits. Those are wonderful things. Why I wasn't doing it all along, I don't know. Here I am, two nights remaining before the holiday, a weekend full of family commitments, and I'm still shopping. I have picked out wonderful things to give to those closest to me, and I'm still going. This isn't enough. They deserve more. I'm so fucking strung out on giving right now I can't stand it. Ahhhh that's enough for now... there's alot of thinking to be done. It's quarter past two in the morning and I've got to wake up for work in five hours or so.
If the day were given more hours, I would take them for granted.