group hug confession useless talent number one
i got involved with this guy right into college because i always need someone.
someone to fuck, someone to love, someone.
me and this guy hit it off right away and ended up making out after the 5 hour conversation we had, that lasted until the wee hours of the morning.
i said to myself that i wouldn't get into a relationship and i told him i didn't want one, but after i spent more time with him and more time doing sexual acts with him the more i realized that i needed a relationship to continue all of it because i needed to "have" him, i needed to have security. i am so insecure.
i told him this while we were in an intimate situation. and he said yes, that i could have him. and the next night i go over to his dorm and we get high and he tells me that he thinks we rushed into things. . . let's just be friends.
so we try the friend thing, but i start a tickle fight during a movie and we end up fucking. and i had this rule of no fucking outside of a relationship, but no more. We fucked for a while until halloween, which was our last fuck. then he proceeded to avoid me for 2 months or 3.
I would always come back to my dorm high and see him on AIM and message him to see if he would talk to me... and one night in february he did. and i went over there and one thing led to another and we fucked, but he was drug and violent as hell... i think he fucked me because i told a friend of his that i wanted a closure fuck.
a few days later i messaged him and he said he was gonna call and say sorry for the other night and he told me he wouldnt ever do it again because it didnt feel right... FUCK THAT SHIT.
so almost 2 months pass and i get high again and talk to him on AIM, he can't sleep and i said i'd go over there. he said sure. we both knew what was going to happen. i keep to myself for about a hour and then he starts rubbing my arm, so it's on. we make out and then fuck in the shower in the dark. the last time we fucked i was cold and detached, this time i kissed him like i liked it.. and i did like it. i do like him, i can't get over it. i want to fuck the shit out of him as well as love him and care about him and help him not be so fickle and depressed and underappreciated all the time. i could love him. if he wanted. after we fucked i laid on his bed with only a towel on and we hung out until 6 AM. i said that he shouldnt be so harsh to me and he said he didn't think he was, and i said we should do what we were doing more and why don't we? he said it's not something he thinks we should be doing all the time. i said it wasn't fair because everytime i see him i think about how much i want to fuck him. i told him how much i loved sucking his cock. he wanted to fuck me without a condom and i said, ok, but you can't be a asshole anymore. and we fucked for awhile unprotected.. a day later we hung out and played guitar hero. no sex. no nothing. hanging out.
i don't know if he's just using me or is this a second chance? i did scare him off to begin with. i did. i feel like this could be a situation where a year from now i can't believe how everything worked out. i am not usually an optimist, but i sware that i will spend the 2 remanding years that he is here trying to get him and keep going around in this vicious circle.
am i self-destructive?
i can't talk to him. i will not. i got someone back home i can fuck and i like him alright, although he does too much drugs and he lacks personality, but he's the kind of hot that makes you want to tie him up and do things that you wouldn't do to anyone.
i wish someone would just love me for a change. try to love me. or get me. or try. i guess i'm just a difficult person. i wish i could just get past this guy. wishes never come true... college is emotionally straining. if i could just maintain a steady fucking patern with this guy it would be alright.. it would be alright. as long as i had him for a while, for a few days a week. a few hours a night. his eyes on me while kissing.. eyes open. toungue shoved into my mouth.
this guy does not know what i could give him.. sexually, emotionally... i could fill him up. i hate being this romantic. i hate being this sap. i wish i could read minds.
this will never be resolved.
someone to fuck, someone to love, someone.
me and this guy hit it off right away and ended up making out after the 5 hour conversation we had, that lasted until the wee hours of the morning.
i said to myself that i wouldn't get into a relationship and i told him i didn't want one, but after i spent more time with him and more time doing sexual acts with him the more i realized that i needed a relationship to continue all of it because i needed to "have" him, i needed to have security. i am so insecure.
i told him this while we were in an intimate situation. and he said yes, that i could have him. and the next night i go over to his dorm and we get high and he tells me that he thinks we rushed into things. . . let's just be friends.
so we try the friend thing, but i start a tickle fight during a movie and we end up fucking. and i had this rule of no fucking outside of a relationship, but no more. We fucked for a while until halloween, which was our last fuck. then he proceeded to avoid me for 2 months or 3.
I would always come back to my dorm high and see him on AIM and message him to see if he would talk to me... and one night in february he did. and i went over there and one thing led to another and we fucked, but he was drug and violent as hell... i think he fucked me because i told a friend of his that i wanted a closure fuck.
a few days later i messaged him and he said he was gonna call and say sorry for the other night and he told me he wouldnt ever do it again because it didnt feel right... FUCK THAT SHIT.
so almost 2 months pass and i get high again and talk to him on AIM, he can't sleep and i said i'd go over there. he said sure. we both knew what was going to happen. i keep to myself for about a hour and then he starts rubbing my arm, so it's on. we make out and then fuck in the shower in the dark. the last time we fucked i was cold and detached, this time i kissed him like i liked it.. and i did like it. i do like him, i can't get over it. i want to fuck the shit out of him as well as love him and care about him and help him not be so fickle and depressed and underappreciated all the time. i could love him. if he wanted. after we fucked i laid on his bed with only a towel on and we hung out until 6 AM. i said that he shouldnt be so harsh to me and he said he didn't think he was, and i said we should do what we were doing more and why don't we? he said it's not something he thinks we should be doing all the time. i said it wasn't fair because everytime i see him i think about how much i want to fuck him. i told him how much i loved sucking his cock. he wanted to fuck me without a condom and i said, ok, but you can't be a asshole anymore. and we fucked for awhile unprotected.. a day later we hung out and played guitar hero. no sex. no nothing. hanging out.
i don't know if he's just using me or is this a second chance? i did scare him off to begin with. i did. i feel like this could be a situation where a year from now i can't believe how everything worked out. i am not usually an optimist, but i sware that i will spend the 2 remanding years that he is here trying to get him and keep going around in this vicious circle.
am i self-destructive?
i can't talk to him. i will not. i got someone back home i can fuck and i like him alright, although he does too much drugs and he lacks personality, but he's the kind of hot that makes you want to tie him up and do things that you wouldn't do to anyone.
i wish someone would just love me for a change. try to love me. or get me. or try. i guess i'm just a difficult person. i wish i could just get past this guy. wishes never come true... college is emotionally straining. if i could just maintain a steady fucking patern with this guy it would be alright.. it would be alright. as long as i had him for a while, for a few days a week. a few hours a night. his eyes on me while kissing.. eyes open. toungue shoved into my mouth.
this guy does not know what i could give him.. sexually, emotionally... i could fill him up. i hate being this romantic. i hate being this sap. i wish i could read minds.
this will never be resolved.