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The worst part about a broken heart is the way it comes on, without warning, without any preparation. (As if there was some sort of preparation.) There is nothing in the world that prepares you for that break. No movie, or song, or conversation can bring you anywhere near bracing for the feeling of a boulder falling into your ribcage. And only the tears are falling as fast as the thoughts that race through your mind. All of a sudden your breathing in short bursts that strain every muscle in your chest as though you were dying. Perhaps something is...
In between all of this, with your arms crossed around your chest, as if that would help, a little sad humor might flash across your mind. Laughing inside at the timing, the awkwardness of it all.
How random the timing can be, how unexpected. In the middle of a TV show, on some idle Thursday night, I hear my phone vibrate on the desk. An alert to a text message. I pick up my phone and see your name across the screen. My eyes light up like always, because with you, there’s no way of ever knowing when Im going hear from you. So every time is a surprise, a rush of excitement.
It’s a simple question you’ve asked me, about a time zone. I answer just as simply, with only..”yes.” And I let my heart over ride my mind into thinking that just maybe…if only…this could be your way of saying “I miss you,” without ever having to say it. And I sit back down with every intention of shrugging it off.
But I cant. Once again my heart gets in the way and I have to tell you…something, anything. Anything that gets me closer to winning you over. However sad that seems after all this time. I’ve tried 1,000 times before without success…but maybe tonight, it could be different. It has to. See, this is the truth about loves insanity. No matter how many times before it didn’t work, somehow the innocence of the heart easily forgets the past, and believes completely and entirely in this attempt.
So I write back how random you are, and how more random your texts and messages get everyday. How in truth, I don’t understand why your asking me questions you could easily find out with an internet search. Most importantly I tell you: how they mean the world to me and how you’ll probably never understand that. How you have the uncanny way of messaging or calling me, exactly when I need it; even when I don’t realize I needed it so badly.
And you reply with “I love you Brent :)”
At that very moment, by the time I finish reading my own name, I’m clenching my chest. And through the tears that are forming, distorting a bright white screen back to me, I manage to type back “You already know…always”
And always my love will be, inevitably
And this oddly and unexpectantly is when I realize our “I love you’s” and “I miss you’s” will never, despite my heart, mean the same thing. Your I love you can never mean to me what My I love you means.
In this honesty, in this truthfulness with the self is when the real broken heart occurs. In that millisecond of seemingly frozen time, when the heart can no longer fool the mind; the clarity surfaces. You see no one can ever break your heart. Its you who’s doing the breaking. Its you, finally being honest enough with yourself to realize - what can never be. For whatever reason, and with whatever pain, its just obvious.
Some part of me changed in that message, maybe I even grew up a little bit. Maybe for better, maybe worse...I guess I probably wont be able to tell for at least a little while. So... To be hopelessly hopeful? or Insane with Innocence? or Jaded or just.... Truthful
All I know is its hard, letting go, and theres nothing but quiet to hold onto.
In between all of this, with your arms crossed around your chest, as if that would help, a little sad humor might flash across your mind. Laughing inside at the timing, the awkwardness of it all.
How random the timing can be, how unexpected. In the middle of a TV show, on some idle Thursday night, I hear my phone vibrate on the desk. An alert to a text message. I pick up my phone and see your name across the screen. My eyes light up like always, because with you, there’s no way of ever knowing when Im going hear from you. So every time is a surprise, a rush of excitement.
It’s a simple question you’ve asked me, about a time zone. I answer just as simply, with only..”yes.” And I let my heart over ride my mind into thinking that just maybe…if only…this could be your way of saying “I miss you,” without ever having to say it. And I sit back down with every intention of shrugging it off.
But I cant. Once again my heart gets in the way and I have to tell you…something, anything. Anything that gets me closer to winning you over. However sad that seems after all this time. I’ve tried 1,000 times before without success…but maybe tonight, it could be different. It has to. See, this is the truth about loves insanity. No matter how many times before it didn’t work, somehow the innocence of the heart easily forgets the past, and believes completely and entirely in this attempt.
So I write back how random you are, and how more random your texts and messages get everyday. How in truth, I don’t understand why your asking me questions you could easily find out with an internet search. Most importantly I tell you: how they mean the world to me and how you’ll probably never understand that. How you have the uncanny way of messaging or calling me, exactly when I need it; even when I don’t realize I needed it so badly.
And you reply with “I love you Brent :)”
At that very moment, by the time I finish reading my own name, I’m clenching my chest. And through the tears that are forming, distorting a bright white screen back to me, I manage to type back “You already know…always”
And always my love will be, inevitably
And this oddly and unexpectantly is when I realize our “I love you’s” and “I miss you’s” will never, despite my heart, mean the same thing. Your I love you can never mean to me what My I love you means.
In this honesty, in this truthfulness with the self is when the real broken heart occurs. In that millisecond of seemingly frozen time, when the heart can no longer fool the mind; the clarity surfaces. You see no one can ever break your heart. Its you who’s doing the breaking. Its you, finally being honest enough with yourself to realize - what can never be. For whatever reason, and with whatever pain, its just obvious.
Some part of me changed in that message, maybe I even grew up a little bit. Maybe for better, maybe worse...I guess I probably wont be able to tell for at least a little while. So... To be hopelessly hopeful? or Insane with Innocence? or Jaded or just.... Truthful
All I know is its hard, letting go, and theres nothing but quiet to hold onto.