for my own personal record.
i know i shouldn't be complaining since there is so much more bad stuff happening in the world,
so i'll write this off as documentation.
a sixth fingernail has succumb to psoriasis.
the doctor had told me years ago to expect the fact that all of my fingernails will eventually look like this, but i didn't want to accept it even though i knew he was right. the man is the country's leading psoriasis expert.
i think the thing about this time that bothers me is the fact that it's my other pointer finger on my right hand, definitely the most important of the fingers in my opinion.
i'd gotten used to not really being able to count on my thumbs to perform normal functions like buttoning shirts and opening flip-top things years ago - 12 years ago, to be exact - but i'd learned to use other fingers, the good ones left, to make up for them. but then other digits followed: my middle finger on my right hand, my pinky finger on my left hand and then the pointer finger on my left hand. these fingers weren't as important as the thumbs and though they are unsightly and bleed in the winter, i'd convinced myself to deal, as there is no known cure for psoriasis. it's been years since one of my fingernails has "gone bad" (as i call it) and this is the first time i can't explain why it is; the first time, with the thumbs, it was because of stress (yes, i was that stressed, even in fifth grade). with the others, they followed suite after years of prescribed anti-depressant use - which i later found out caused psoriasis flair ups - and bipolar disorder and depression - stress is the thing that causes flair ups the most. those fingers could be explained. but this time, it doesn't make any sense. i can easily say i'm happier than i've ever been and i haven't been on medication for years.
sometimes i just wish i understood just how my body worked, as it does things like this to me all the time.
i'm halfway to legally blind, stomach acid springs into my esophagus on a fairly regular basis and now i'm pretty much going to lose many of the normal functions - like the aforementioned buttoning of shirts - that i figured i'd never really have to deal with giving up.
so, according to how the others have gone, i have about two months before this fingernail is lost.
i guess i'm just more confused and surprised and disheartened than anything else at this point.
so i'll write this off as documentation.
a sixth fingernail has succumb to psoriasis.
the doctor had told me years ago to expect the fact that all of my fingernails will eventually look like this, but i didn't want to accept it even though i knew he was right. the man is the country's leading psoriasis expert.
i think the thing about this time that bothers me is the fact that it's my other pointer finger on my right hand, definitely the most important of the fingers in my opinion.
i'd gotten used to not really being able to count on my thumbs to perform normal functions like buttoning shirts and opening flip-top things years ago - 12 years ago, to be exact - but i'd learned to use other fingers, the good ones left, to make up for them. but then other digits followed: my middle finger on my right hand, my pinky finger on my left hand and then the pointer finger on my left hand. these fingers weren't as important as the thumbs and though they are unsightly and bleed in the winter, i'd convinced myself to deal, as there is no known cure for psoriasis. it's been years since one of my fingernails has "gone bad" (as i call it) and this is the first time i can't explain why it is; the first time, with the thumbs, it was because of stress (yes, i was that stressed, even in fifth grade). with the others, they followed suite after years of prescribed anti-depressant use - which i later found out caused psoriasis flair ups - and bipolar disorder and depression - stress is the thing that causes flair ups the most. those fingers could be explained. but this time, it doesn't make any sense. i can easily say i'm happier than i've ever been and i haven't been on medication for years.
sometimes i just wish i understood just how my body worked, as it does things like this to me all the time.
i'm halfway to legally blind, stomach acid springs into my esophagus on a fairly regular basis and now i'm pretty much going to lose many of the normal functions - like the aforementioned buttoning of shirts - that i figured i'd never really have to deal with giving up.
so, according to how the others have gone, i have about two months before this fingernail is lost.
i guess i'm just more confused and surprised and disheartened than anything else at this point.