Day 8
Wow. I can't believe it's only day 8. It feels like it's been forever!
I keep having second thoughts and I keep having to remind myself why I am doing this. So I've decided to write something for him (but I won't give it to him) just to remind me why I am doing this.
I'm done...
letting you make all the decisions.
not being able to share my feelings.
pretending to be happy all the time for you.
only hanging out when you want to.
biting my tongue when I want to see you, because if I tell you, you won't come.
being with someone who isn't always excited to see me.
having to hide my insecurities from you.
wishing you'd love me more.
hoping that some day you'll change your mind and want forever with me.
pretending you care about me.
not being able to reach out to you when I am sad.
having to lean on everyone but you for support.
not being "allowed" to buy you gifts.
not being "allowed" to cook for you.
being labeled as "just a friend" when we do way more than friends do.
hearing that the physical stuff doesn't matter, and it doesn't mean anything.
watching you go hang out with other people and not invite me along.
watching you go on fun trips with other people.
letting you decide that we will never go on a trip together.
having to be "okay" with the fact that you're going to walk away from this all some day and move to the other side of the country. And not even try to take me with you.
going into deep depression because you don't care about me.
crying non stop and getting no reaction from you.
not being able to call you up and ask you to come over just because I want to see you.
feeling bad that you want a ride from someone else instead of me.
feeling jealous that you get more rides from other girls than from me.
Wow. That was amazing. I originally wrote it with just the intentions of listing everything that makes me mad about him. But then when I reread it afterwards, it was actually a huge relief - because I realized, this is stuff I am never going to have to worry about ever again! I truly will NEVER have to feel jealous about him getting rides from other people again. I will never have to feel sad that I can't just call him up and ask him to come over. I will never go into deep depression because he doesn't care. I will never have to feel those things again! How amazing is that? I totally freed myself!!!
Now every time that I am feeling like I should bring down my walls and talk to him again, I will reread this list, and remember all the things I DON'T have to put up with anymore.
I keep having second thoughts and I keep having to remind myself why I am doing this. So I've decided to write something for him (but I won't give it to him) just to remind me why I am doing this.
I'm done...
letting you make all the decisions.
not being able to share my feelings.
pretending to be happy all the time for you.
only hanging out when you want to.
biting my tongue when I want to see you, because if I tell you, you won't come.
being with someone who isn't always excited to see me.
having to hide my insecurities from you.
wishing you'd love me more.
hoping that some day you'll change your mind and want forever with me.
pretending you care about me.
not being able to reach out to you when I am sad.
having to lean on everyone but you for support.
not being "allowed" to buy you gifts.
not being "allowed" to cook for you.
being labeled as "just a friend" when we do way more than friends do.
hearing that the physical stuff doesn't matter, and it doesn't mean anything.
watching you go hang out with other people and not invite me along.
watching you go on fun trips with other people.
letting you decide that we will never go on a trip together.
having to be "okay" with the fact that you're going to walk away from this all some day and move to the other side of the country. And not even try to take me with you.
going into deep depression because you don't care about me.
crying non stop and getting no reaction from you.
not being able to call you up and ask you to come over just because I want to see you.
feeling bad that you want a ride from someone else instead of me.
feeling jealous that you get more rides from other girls than from me.
Wow. That was amazing. I originally wrote it with just the intentions of listing everything that makes me mad about him. But then when I reread it afterwards, it was actually a huge relief - because I realized, this is stuff I am never going to have to worry about ever again! I truly will NEVER have to feel jealous about him getting rides from other people again. I will never have to feel sad that I can't just call him up and ask him to come over. I will never go into deep depression because he doesn't care. I will never have to feel those things again! How amazing is that? I totally freed myself!!!
Now every time that I am feeling like I should bring down my walls and talk to him again, I will reread this list, and remember all the things I DON'T have to put up with anymore.