(no subject)
I am happy for them, I truly am. They have something I don't, not anymore. Time took it and hid it away somewhere. We both left it back weeks ago, months, and the exact date can serve as a reminder to things lost. A steady fade--always fading, faster.
I see nothing now, not for us. In the dark when all I have is your skin to touch, I can see then, but now, lives away I can't even sense you. A taste is all I had, all I savored of what could have been. I buried it beneath my heart. There, it will hold steadfast, reminding me of my mistake.
*
Memories are fragments--lucid--but complete.
"I need to see you Kaitlin." He said.
"I am nothing that you need."
"Meet me, please."
He looked lighter now. I sat in a cafe reading absentminedly, not wanting to be there. I had not seen him in months and now he had traveled all this way just to talk.
"You look beautiful, you always have."
"You always say that."
"I wouldn't lie to you."
"I'd lie to you."
"Always so abstract, so guarded you are."
"We all have our reasons."
"Let me Kaitlin, let me in again."
I had. I had let him in. He always was there, tangled between the sheets. Bodies bracing one another for a heart ache halted by physical feelings. I let him in. me.
I saw you for the first in an airport. A blurry abstract figure behind all those people but I immediatly knew it was you. After all those months of speaking, of silent confessions, skin to skin I could touch and I kissed you just lightly and you smiled, amazed.
"You always were hard to read but you never realized how translucent you were to me."
I left you at that same airport, two days later, older. I had my experience that I had been searching for. I had captured it in a jar. Several pictures and memories are all I have left of that distant time.
"I thought you came to eat."
"I came for you."
"Eat with me please, lets talk."
"You never were one with words."
Again, two months later, I saw you. I met you again at the same airport. Things were different now. It was cold and I met you outside, you took my hand and led me on. Physically distant but I was determined. This was a trip meant for exploring and explore you I did. We both did. I learned so much of you in that night, when I am blinded and touch is all I can see.
"I now realize even though we are still together, how little of you I know."
"I don't believe you. I realize now that you know me best."
"You are wrong George. I do not know you. I saw only what you let me, I assumed the rest."
I left you, again, three days later. At the same airport we said goodbye. I could barely get your attention and I could not decide if you wanted me gone or if you were afraid to cry. You said it was alright. I said goodbye. Underneath all the exterior expressions I could sense a change of heart. I sensed your change. I wanted to stop it.
"I am sorry."
"Do not say that."
"It is the only way I can say what I feel."
"Then I am sorry, for you."
This time it was December, so cold the ice would break past all barriers of inner warmth. A different airport this time. You drove up, hurriedly put my bag inside and we drove off. You bought me a hot chocolate, the only thing you bought me that trip. I took care of you. It always seems to have worked out that way. The trivial things money can buy that meant so much to you. You made it mean so much to you.
We were closer this time, more in sync, and I felt your heart release slightly into mine. Our fights disappeared but I knew once I left you'd be the same. You grew up, you grew up bitter. You bitterness made that trip cold. It hardened the rain to the windshield and made it impossible to see past. Your bitterness was resilient.
"I came because I know now."
"What do you know."
"What you meant, always meant, when you said those things."
"What did I mean?"
"You knew me better than I knew myself."
I left you. I never say you again. I got on my plane with your promise hanging lightly in my ear. I will come to you this time. I never saw you again. You didnt want me to. The absence of the words that would have meant the most created a gap between us that feelings could not breach. They fell short. We both did. Me, with my doubt and you with your emotions. Your apathy. I walked on. You stayed put. I take us both back to that first day, so many years ago, when you first came into my life on a screen. So innocent, but so worth remembering. My memory, that is what got us.
Now, we sit here, across from each other. You are eating the sandwich that you ordered. I haven't touched mine. Us, the two of us, with eyes so bitter now. You seem to have surrendered, but me--mine is till hidden beneath my heart.
"I need you Kaitlin." He said.
"I am nothing that you need."
I see nothing now, not for us. In the dark when all I have is your skin to touch, I can see then, but now, lives away I can't even sense you. A taste is all I had, all I savored of what could have been. I buried it beneath my heart. There, it will hold steadfast, reminding me of my mistake.
*
Memories are fragments--lucid--but complete.
"I need to see you Kaitlin." He said.
"I am nothing that you need."
"Meet me, please."
He looked lighter now. I sat in a cafe reading absentminedly, not wanting to be there. I had not seen him in months and now he had traveled all this way just to talk.
"You look beautiful, you always have."
"You always say that."
"I wouldn't lie to you."
"I'd lie to you."
"Always so abstract, so guarded you are."
"We all have our reasons."
"Let me Kaitlin, let me in again."
I had. I had let him in. He always was there, tangled between the sheets. Bodies bracing one another for a heart ache halted by physical feelings. I let him in. me.
I saw you for the first in an airport. A blurry abstract figure behind all those people but I immediatly knew it was you. After all those months of speaking, of silent confessions, skin to skin I could touch and I kissed you just lightly and you smiled, amazed.
"You always were hard to read but you never realized how translucent you were to me."
I left you at that same airport, two days later, older. I had my experience that I had been searching for. I had captured it in a jar. Several pictures and memories are all I have left of that distant time.
"I thought you came to eat."
"I came for you."
"Eat with me please, lets talk."
"You never were one with words."
Again, two months later, I saw you. I met you again at the same airport. Things were different now. It was cold and I met you outside, you took my hand and led me on. Physically distant but I was determined. This was a trip meant for exploring and explore you I did. We both did. I learned so much of you in that night, when I am blinded and touch is all I can see.
"I now realize even though we are still together, how little of you I know."
"I don't believe you. I realize now that you know me best."
"You are wrong George. I do not know you. I saw only what you let me, I assumed the rest."
I left you, again, three days later. At the same airport we said goodbye. I could barely get your attention and I could not decide if you wanted me gone or if you were afraid to cry. You said it was alright. I said goodbye. Underneath all the exterior expressions I could sense a change of heart. I sensed your change. I wanted to stop it.
"I am sorry."
"Do not say that."
"It is the only way I can say what I feel."
"Then I am sorry, for you."
This time it was December, so cold the ice would break past all barriers of inner warmth. A different airport this time. You drove up, hurriedly put my bag inside and we drove off. You bought me a hot chocolate, the only thing you bought me that trip. I took care of you. It always seems to have worked out that way. The trivial things money can buy that meant so much to you. You made it mean so much to you.
We were closer this time, more in sync, and I felt your heart release slightly into mine. Our fights disappeared but I knew once I left you'd be the same. You grew up, you grew up bitter. You bitterness made that trip cold. It hardened the rain to the windshield and made it impossible to see past. Your bitterness was resilient.
"I came because I know now."
"What do you know."
"What you meant, always meant, when you said those things."
"What did I mean?"
"You knew me better than I knew myself."
I left you. I never say you again. I got on my plane with your promise hanging lightly in my ear. I will come to you this time. I never saw you again. You didnt want me to. The absence of the words that would have meant the most created a gap between us that feelings could not breach. They fell short. We both did. Me, with my doubt and you with your emotions. Your apathy. I walked on. You stayed put. I take us both back to that first day, so many years ago, when you first came into my life on a screen. So innocent, but so worth remembering. My memory, that is what got us.
Now, we sit here, across from each other. You are eating the sandwich that you ordered. I haven't touched mine. Us, the two of us, with eyes so bitter now. You seem to have surrendered, but me--mine is till hidden beneath my heart.
"I need you Kaitlin." He said.
"I am nothing that you need."