Detective Lieutenant Provenza: The Closer
Detective Lieutenant Provenza suddenly appears in the Sorting Room, just like everyone else does. However, instead of a display of panic, confusion, or concern, he merely blinks twice. He is carrying a load of dirty coffee cups, as if he had been on his way to a kitchen in an office. After taking in his surroundings, he shrugs and ambles over to the table with the application. Provenza sets down the coffee cups and picks up an application.
After reading it through twice, he crumples the sheet of parchment in his hands and takes careful aim. Ready, steady, and he shoots! The parchment bounces off the rim of one of the larger cups. Provenza begins to make his way through the stack, tossing paper balls at his makeshift hoop. Eventually, though, boredom sets in, and he looks over the questions on the application again. Who the hell wrote this? he thinks, but answers them anyway, crumpling up a fresh sheet after each question.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Whatever cheese is on my sandwich." Another piece of paper is crumpled, and another basket is missed.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Unless they're breaking the law, why would I want to kill them? There's no law against being bad, otherwise most of LA would be in prison." From the 3-point-line, another 'swoosh' of paper hitting nothing but air.
3. What time is it where you are?
"Dunno." He makes no effort to look at his watch. It would affect his aim.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"You know, back in my day, they didn't call it sexual harassment. They just called it flirting. Now they've got all these sensitivity classes and PC this and PC that. So I wouldn't harass anyone, because that would be creating a hostile work environment." The last words come out in a mocking tone of voice. He's so irritated that he misses his next shot.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
""Why would I do anything like bar tend in the dark? That's stupid. I'd call if 'Free Beer' then, 'cause if you're head's shoved so far up your ass to come up with an idea like this, it don't matter if it's dark, and it won't matter that everyone's ripping you off left and right." Trying to imagine bar tending in the dark, Provenza closes his eyes and shoots. This one makes it in. "Ha! You see that? Still got it."
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Don't they call those 'civil unions?' I don't want to know whoever this Harry's sleeping with. I think that's from the myth of 'None of My Business.'" This one just glances off the edge of the coffee cup.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Provenza laughs. If this idiot couldn't figure it out, he wasn't going to tell them.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"Don't mind if I do," Provenza says, and shoots another paper-ball basket.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"I've got these coffee cups. You aren't getting my gun or my badge; I just got those back. You can have this Crown Royal bag. It's got a hole in the bottom, though."
He doesn't say anything about the sky box tickets in his pocket.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ____P________
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ______P_____.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my your knickers in a bunch. ______P_____.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______P_______"
((I have permission from Brenda-mun for this app.))
After reading it through twice, he crumples the sheet of parchment in his hands and takes careful aim. Ready, steady, and he shoots! The parchment bounces off the rim of one of the larger cups. Provenza begins to make his way through the stack, tossing paper balls at his makeshift hoop. Eventually, though, boredom sets in, and he looks over the questions on the application again. Who the hell wrote this? he thinks, but answers them anyway, crumpling up a fresh sheet after each question.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Whatever cheese is on my sandwich." Another piece of paper is crumpled, and another basket is missed.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Unless they're breaking the law, why would I want to kill them? There's no law against being bad, otherwise most of LA would be in prison." From the 3-point-line, another 'swoosh' of paper hitting nothing but air.
3. What time is it where you are?
"Dunno." He makes no effort to look at his watch. It would affect his aim.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"You know, back in my day, they didn't call it sexual harassment. They just called it flirting. Now they've got all these sensitivity classes and PC this and PC that. So I wouldn't harass anyone, because that would be creating a hostile work environment." The last words come out in a mocking tone of voice. He's so irritated that he misses his next shot.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
""Why would I do anything like bar tend in the dark? That's stupid. I'd call if 'Free Beer' then, 'cause if you're head's shoved so far up your ass to come up with an idea like this, it don't matter if it's dark, and it won't matter that everyone's ripping you off left and right." Trying to imagine bar tending in the dark, Provenza closes his eyes and shoots. This one makes it in. "Ha! You see that? Still got it."
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Don't they call those 'civil unions?' I don't want to know whoever this Harry's sleeping with. I think that's from the myth of 'None of My Business.'" This one just glances off the edge of the coffee cup.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Provenza laughs. If this idiot couldn't figure it out, he wasn't going to tell them.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"Don't mind if I do," Provenza says, and shoots another paper-ball basket.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"I've got these coffee cups. You aren't getting my gun or my badge; I just got those back. You can have this Crown Royal bag. It's got a hole in the bottom, though."
He doesn't say anything about the sky box tickets in his pocket.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ____P________
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ______P_____.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my your knickers in a bunch. ______P_____.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______P_______"
((I have permission from Brenda-mun for this app.))