things have changed.
i don't know where to begin. i've meant to post about europe but haven't gotten around. things have been a mix of doing everything and nothing.
i met a woman who settles for nothing less than the best of me. i was ready for change, and for the first time in years, i am honest. i'd like to say it was her but that would be selling myself short, i've been waiting for someone to help me conquer the biggest obstacle i've faced: myself. still progressing. but despite my imperfections i am consistently honest. (this is not easy) admittidly, i've been a trained manipulator for years. perhaps i was born with it? (my father made no excuse//i believe my lies are truth). but i must have forgot what it feels like to be whole. i spent so much time being a mirror, i lost myself over so much time, and i was too scared, and still am scared, to let go. of everything. to stand on my own two feet, knowing at any given moment everything else goes. people deserve more. i deserve more. safety nets were no comparison for true faith thou. i didn't know how to believe and i am learning to trust myself. i really am, starting my life from scratch.
this summer has been interesting. to say this summer, like i am returning to school, when really i mean the beginning of the rest of my life has been interesting. a challenge. and fun. i went to the dyke march & pride in the city in june, ani this past week, which of course seeing gay people in close quarters is my favorite thing. i could never live in the straight world without non-straight contacts.
home (buffalo) is lonely. i've been moving between ny and buff quite a bit. mostly in buffalo i spend my time working, soccer and drinking beers by myself. i don't know how much longer i am going to stay here. in the meantime, i've been attending family parties and rebuilding relationships that have been far-too neglected. my family, i miss them, and sometimes i feel like strangers (painful) to my own neices and nephews. (half-)brothers. father. that must change. developing much needed social skills with my family is something else i'm trying to do.
i'm bored with part-time work, stressed about school loans and still really, really excited about life.
also, even though there was a serious scare with fiona, she is found! and i have a whole new respect for that cat. she's home, safe in california.
i met a woman who settles for nothing less than the best of me. i was ready for change, and for the first time in years, i am honest. i'd like to say it was her but that would be selling myself short, i've been waiting for someone to help me conquer the biggest obstacle i've faced: myself. still progressing. but despite my imperfections i am consistently honest. (this is not easy) admittidly, i've been a trained manipulator for years. perhaps i was born with it? (my father made no excuse//i believe my lies are truth). but i must have forgot what it feels like to be whole. i spent so much time being a mirror, i lost myself over so much time, and i was too scared, and still am scared, to let go. of everything. to stand on my own two feet, knowing at any given moment everything else goes. people deserve more. i deserve more. safety nets were no comparison for true faith thou. i didn't know how to believe and i am learning to trust myself. i really am, starting my life from scratch.
this summer has been interesting. to say this summer, like i am returning to school, when really i mean the beginning of the rest of my life has been interesting. a challenge. and fun. i went to the dyke march & pride in the city in june, ani this past week, which of course seeing gay people in close quarters is my favorite thing. i could never live in the straight world without non-straight contacts.
home (buffalo) is lonely. i've been moving between ny and buff quite a bit. mostly in buffalo i spend my time working, soccer and drinking beers by myself. i don't know how much longer i am going to stay here. in the meantime, i've been attending family parties and rebuilding relationships that have been far-too neglected. my family, i miss them, and sometimes i feel like strangers (painful) to my own neices and nephews. (half-)brothers. father. that must change. developing much needed social skills with my family is something else i'm trying to do.
i'm bored with part-time work, stressed about school loans and still really, really excited about life.
also, even though there was a serious scare with fiona, she is found! and i have a whole new respect for that cat. she's home, safe in california.