My heart feels heavy and my mind is frustrated and confused.
so I haven't written in here in a longgggg time. I'm just really frustrated with everything again honestly. and sometimes I do actually consider killing myself cause then i wouldn't have to go through any of this crap. of course there are much simplier ways to solve everything but all the pros and cons are just too frustrating to even think about. I used to be at the point of not caring and suddenly i care. and the worst part is that I don't wanna care, i dont' wanna have to deal with all of this. My heart feels heavy and my mind is frustrated and confused. Man I can't wait till high school is over, i'm sick of carring about what people think of me. I'm sick of wondering if my friends actually like me or just put up with me or are using me cause i'm overly generous with my money which now i have none and some of them don't understand that. Then sometimes just myself being critical and narrow minded but I've figured i've become this way when I feel trapped and like I mentchened before my heart feels heavy. When i feel fine and comfortable and all is good i'm a lot more open to anything and carefree. I don't even know why i'm wrtting this all cause just about no one reads this anymore, i guess I just feel the need to vent, even if someone who is involved reads it. I need help, and I don't know why i'm even saying this but I just feel that i do. I'm always worried about my weight, i turn to drugs if i'm feeling too down and irritated to deal with reality and sometimes i just plane fake happiness just so no one thinks something is wrong with me and leaves me alone when deep down inside i'm screaming for attention, but I guess thats just how i've been all my life. screaming for attention and wanting to be loved cause i lack a parent to actually gives me that, and thats not to say i'm ungrateful for everything my mother does for me, I am, really, I just resent that she's not the type of mother I can go to when i have a problem and she can connect with me. We're just two different people really i guess, two very different generations with a major age gap. I don't know. I guess what it all really comes down to is me wondering if anyone really cares about me, cause most of the time i feel like i'm the only one who actually cares about them and everyone's just being the normal selfish, self-absorbed human being that we've been generalized as. And truthfully I feel that if i come out and say any of these thoughts, i'm affraid if I do people will think i'm selfish and just want attention. Maybe i'm just thinking about everything wayyy too much, maybe i'm tired, maybe i'm a needy person, maybe i'm a drama queen, maybe i'm just plane scared, maybe i just have too much on my plate and maybe i'm just in a rutt. Maybe i'm the one with the problem. I don't know anymore and I wish i didn't care but its hard to deny feelings you have deep down inside.