Not all who wander are lost
Let me start out by saying that I should really be doing homework right now. Yet, the last few days I have found that my motivation to do well in my classes has somewhat dwindled. It's not that I don't want to do well in my classes but I guess I just wish that I would have taken different classes then I picked out.
A few days ago one of my very good friends posted about who "The Real Him" was. I thought that it was very brave of someone to really peel back all of their hard shells and tell people who they really are at their core. I will attempt to do this in a moment but I have to get a few things off of my chest first.
First, I am overbooking myself and for some reason I know that I am doing it and am still going ahead with the plans. I am still active in ATO, starting up the Adrian College Adventure Club, taking a number of 300+ classes, working Campus Safety, and still trying to have somewhat of a social life with friends at Adrian and back in Saline, along with making time for myself. I really feel like I have not made time for myself at all this school year and I just don't know how to manage all of my friends. I am so very blessed to have the friends I have but to make all of them happy/ patch the broken ones back together (In Saline and Adrian) is starting to take a bit from me.
Second, I am so happy that things have taken off like they have for the Adrian College Adventure Club. So many people have showed so much interest. If I would have known so many people want to learn how to play in the outdoors I would have started this club freshman year. I just can't wait to get a bunch of students out in the woods and teach them all of the skills I know. Thats what life is all about and I really feel like I have a lot to teach and learn.
Last, I got some Moosejaw stuff this weekend and its great. I wanna own a Moosejaw! That would make life super amazing. Thats all I have to say about that. www.moosejaw.com
Ok, So lets try and kill this outer shell thing. I have to be honest that this might not be very good because very few people get to see the privet life of Marcus. When I shut my door and lay on my bed just thinking about life. Thats what I am going to type about today. If you don't really care and just wanted to know about my day and don't feel like reading this I don't take offense. I get sick of "My heart is bleeding" Livejournals too. So the real me... where to start...
First, I am not as smart as some people at Adrian think I am. I am a really good bullshitter.In fact I would say that I am just about the best bullshitter I know. It mostly comes from being "the stupid one" in the group growing up. The sad thing is it has really gotten me places in life so I keep on falling back on it to wiggle my way out of situations I don't want to be in. I have tried so many times to break this habit as it has really hurt some very good people along the way but like I said it is part of who I am. I'm sure one day it will hurt someone so bad I'll stop... lets just hope that person is myself and not someone else.
Second, I am not a loner. I wish I was. I wish that I could just go do everything by myself and never count on other people to help me. I feel like I would be stronger that way but I always get attached to people. Thus, why when people get to close I push them away minus 6 men I grew up with. So I try... I try my best to be as independent as I can. I do take comfort in knowing that I have my "fellowship" to fall back on. If only we could still go on adventures like we used to when we were younger. Then I wouldn't feel like I need to do everything solo. I need mountains again Gandalf.... mountains...
Third, The outdoors is my love,drugs,high,parent,best friend. Not a lot of people really get this one. People understand that I love camping and such but they can't fully grasp the connection. I'm not even sure if I can put it down in writing. Its a spiritual relationship... in the deepest sense. Going to church as a child I always felt like everyone around me was feeling something I was not. In middle school and high school people all went to youth group and I went, but never got it. Then I realized camping is my youth group, it was my blanket from the harsh world that surrounded me. The calm flow of a river, the fall leaves falling from tree to ground, waking up to see the heads of your friends pop out of tents that are next to yours. It is what I live for... it is what gives me passion.
Fourth, I have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life. No idea. NONE. I always come up with these great ideas and they stick for a while then I find a problem with them and throw it away. Right now I really like the idea of owning a backpacking store but I'm sure I will find something new in a few weeks. Nothing fills me up.
Fifth, I feel like out of all my Nighthawks I care the most. There I said it. I always feel like I am the only one who is willing to stick his neck out there and take the heat or dish it out to make sure that our group stays alive and healthy. Yet, no matter how hard I try I can feel the cracks starting to come up. It scares me. I can say that my largest fear in life is having my Nighthawks, my fellowship, fall apart and break. I just don't feel the passion, the trust, the loyalty that used to be there. I try to keep it together but sometimes I see how they don't care anymore and it makes me lose faith. Yet, I will always try. If you would have asked me last year if I would get the nighthawk tattooed on my skin... a constant reminder of my everlasting friendship.. I would have said yes in a heartbeat. Today I'm not so sure.
Sixth, I am a hopeless romantic. Not in the lovie dovie kind of way as in two people ride off into the sunset kissing to get married and have a large number of children. No, a hopeless romantic as in I was to be living the dream that I play in my mind over and over again. But telling that dream is a little to much info for me to be letting out... somethings need to stay secret.
Lastly, I am so confused on what I want in the form of a relationship at this point of my life. I miss having a body next to me while I sleep. I miss the late dinners and the holding of hands in the snow. Yet I thrive off of being able to do what I want on a whim and being able to walk my own path, alone. People who have to be dating someone 100% of the time get some pity from me because I don't see how they can live their lives that way. Someones lap dog. Yet, I understand how people need others. There are so many nice girls out there... can I ever meet one who will be perfect for what I need? Probably not, yet I will always be able to fall back on myself, my family, and my nighthawks... well at least I hope so.
~Schwimm
A few days ago one of my very good friends posted about who "The Real Him" was. I thought that it was very brave of someone to really peel back all of their hard shells and tell people who they really are at their core. I will attempt to do this in a moment but I have to get a few things off of my chest first.
First, I am overbooking myself and for some reason I know that I am doing it and am still going ahead with the plans. I am still active in ATO, starting up the Adrian College Adventure Club, taking a number of 300+ classes, working Campus Safety, and still trying to have somewhat of a social life with friends at Adrian and back in Saline, along with making time for myself. I really feel like I have not made time for myself at all this school year and I just don't know how to manage all of my friends. I am so very blessed to have the friends I have but to make all of them happy/ patch the broken ones back together (In Saline and Adrian) is starting to take a bit from me.
Second, I am so happy that things have taken off like they have for the Adrian College Adventure Club. So many people have showed so much interest. If I would have known so many people want to learn how to play in the outdoors I would have started this club freshman year. I just can't wait to get a bunch of students out in the woods and teach them all of the skills I know. Thats what life is all about and I really feel like I have a lot to teach and learn.
Last, I got some Moosejaw stuff this weekend and its great. I wanna own a Moosejaw! That would make life super amazing. Thats all I have to say about that. www.moosejaw.com
Ok, So lets try and kill this outer shell thing. I have to be honest that this might not be very good because very few people get to see the privet life of Marcus. When I shut my door and lay on my bed just thinking about life. Thats what I am going to type about today. If you don't really care and just wanted to know about my day and don't feel like reading this I don't take offense. I get sick of "My heart is bleeding" Livejournals too. So the real me... where to start...
First, I am not as smart as some people at Adrian think I am. I am a really good bullshitter.In fact I would say that I am just about the best bullshitter I know. It mostly comes from being "the stupid one" in the group growing up. The sad thing is it has really gotten me places in life so I keep on falling back on it to wiggle my way out of situations I don't want to be in. I have tried so many times to break this habit as it has really hurt some very good people along the way but like I said it is part of who I am. I'm sure one day it will hurt someone so bad I'll stop... lets just hope that person is myself and not someone else.
Second, I am not a loner. I wish I was. I wish that I could just go do everything by myself and never count on other people to help me. I feel like I would be stronger that way but I always get attached to people. Thus, why when people get to close I push them away minus 6 men I grew up with. So I try... I try my best to be as independent as I can. I do take comfort in knowing that I have my "fellowship" to fall back on. If only we could still go on adventures like we used to when we were younger. Then I wouldn't feel like I need to do everything solo. I need mountains again Gandalf.... mountains...
Third, The outdoors is my love,drugs,high,parent,best friend. Not a lot of people really get this one. People understand that I love camping and such but they can't fully grasp the connection. I'm not even sure if I can put it down in writing. Its a spiritual relationship... in the deepest sense. Going to church as a child I always felt like everyone around me was feeling something I was not. In middle school and high school people all went to youth group and I went, but never got it. Then I realized camping is my youth group, it was my blanket from the harsh world that surrounded me. The calm flow of a river, the fall leaves falling from tree to ground, waking up to see the heads of your friends pop out of tents that are next to yours. It is what I live for... it is what gives me passion.
Fourth, I have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life. No idea. NONE. I always come up with these great ideas and they stick for a while then I find a problem with them and throw it away. Right now I really like the idea of owning a backpacking store but I'm sure I will find something new in a few weeks. Nothing fills me up.
Fifth, I feel like out of all my Nighthawks I care the most. There I said it. I always feel like I am the only one who is willing to stick his neck out there and take the heat or dish it out to make sure that our group stays alive and healthy. Yet, no matter how hard I try I can feel the cracks starting to come up. It scares me. I can say that my largest fear in life is having my Nighthawks, my fellowship, fall apart and break. I just don't feel the passion, the trust, the loyalty that used to be there. I try to keep it together but sometimes I see how they don't care anymore and it makes me lose faith. Yet, I will always try. If you would have asked me last year if I would get the nighthawk tattooed on my skin... a constant reminder of my everlasting friendship.. I would have said yes in a heartbeat. Today I'm not so sure.
Sixth, I am a hopeless romantic. Not in the lovie dovie kind of way as in two people ride off into the sunset kissing to get married and have a large number of children. No, a hopeless romantic as in I was to be living the dream that I play in my mind over and over again. But telling that dream is a little to much info for me to be letting out... somethings need to stay secret.
Lastly, I am so confused on what I want in the form of a relationship at this point of my life. I miss having a body next to me while I sleep. I miss the late dinners and the holding of hands in the snow. Yet I thrive off of being able to do what I want on a whim and being able to walk my own path, alone. People who have to be dating someone 100% of the time get some pity from me because I don't see how they can live their lives that way. Someones lap dog. Yet, I understand how people need others. There are so many nice girls out there... can I ever meet one who will be perfect for what I need? Probably not, yet I will always be able to fall back on myself, my family, and my nighthawks... well at least I hope so.
~Schwimm