Under Falling Leaves - part two
~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~
back to part one
~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~
"Cut! Jensen, what's wrong? You're supposed to look a little scared, not like you gonna kill the devil right this second," the director shouts, pissed off, because it's the third time now and Jensen fumes inside.
It's just ... he can't stand to watch Mark waltz into the scene, cocky half-smile on his face and looking like he owns the world.
Deep down he knows it's stupid but right now, he can barely stop himself from bursting out with his anger.
"We're taking five!" Jared suddenly announces from behind him and then a gentle but firm touch to the small of his back pushes him forward.
Adam and Rekha are throwing them weird, nervous looks, and they both take a step back to let them through.
They don’t speak a word all the way to Jensen's trailer, but Jensen knows that he’s fucked up, can feel it in the quiet tension that is seeping out of Jared's body.
"You care to explain what that was all about?” his friend demands as soon as the door is closed. He’s looming over Jensen, concerned and angry and Jensen can’t deal with either.
“It’s nothing, alright? Mark just pisses me off!”
“What?” Jared looks at him incredulously. “Since when? Jensen, you love that guy!”
Something like disgust makes Jensen’s stomach churn. “I don’t!”
Jared looks more spooked with every second. "Yes! Yes, you fucking do!" He makes a pained sound, like he doesn't know the man in front of him and even through all the anger, Jensen is scared that maybe Jared really doesn't anymore.
"Jensen, you really, really love Mark. You love working with him and even if you didn't, you never would have acted the way you just did!"
"I didn't fucking act any differently than I always do!" Jensen shouts, feeling the need to defend himself even though the little voice inside his head is not so little anymore and it's screaming at him that Jared's right.
"Jesus, Jensen, what the hell is wrong with you? You're acting like a spoiled brat out there and it's not the first time either!"
"What the hell are you talking about?!"
Jared reaches for Jensen's shoulder, makes him look in his eyes. "You acted the same way with Kurt the last time he was here. You've been moody since then and you've been snapping at Pellegrino and Sheppard and whoever just looks at you the wrong way."
"I fucking do not!"
"Do you even hear yourself?!" Jared shakes him, not too hard and not too rough, but Jensen has had enough, and wriggles out from his friend's grip.
“Just don't fucking touch me all the goddamn time, alright?”
Jensen regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth. He sees the hurt flicker over Jared’s face, feels it tug at his own heart for a second.
But then Jared’s face changes, looking more worried than pissed or hurt.
"So you have a problem with me?" Jared's tone has changed completely, sounding careful and cold now, guarded.
"What? No! Jeez, no, okay?" And he doesn't. Truth is, Jensen has no idea what's wrong with himself lately and he doesn't want to act out on everybody but somehow he can't stop it.
He sighs deeply, rubs his fingers through his hair.
"I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling good today," he explains weakly, knows Jared deserves more. Not to mention the amount of apologies the rest of the cast and crew deserve.
"It's okay, man. Everyone has the right to have a bad day, alright? Just try not to make everybody hate you out there while you're at it, okay?" It's meant as a joke and Jared's actually attempting a lopsided smile at him, but Jensen only feels worse.
He hangs his head, claps Jared on his chest and moves pass him.
His friend can read him enough to leave him alone.
He can feel every pair of eyes on him when he crosses the set. The ones he catches almost all have nothing but concern for him and that makes him feel even more like an ungrateful bastard than before.
"I'm sorry," a soft voice says behind him.
“What?” Jensen turns around to find Misha looking up at him, a frown on his face.
"I'm sorry you're feeling so bad," the other man says seriously, tilting his head to the side and for a second he looks more like Castiel than he does in character sometimes but that's ridiculous and Jensen remembers that this is Misha he's talking to. This man surprises him on his worst days.
Jensen doesn't know what to say, only nods thankfully and walks on, not quite shaking the feeling that Misha keeps looking at him all the way until he vanishes around the next corner.
It's two days later and Jensen can still feel Jared's gaze on him every time the other man thinks he can get away with it. His worried eyes follow Jensen's every move and there are a few times Jensen wants to call him on it. But the questions that will follow after, the ones he's determined to avoid, make him stay silent.
Jared hands him a cold beer from the fridge, wordlessly, and switches on the TV. They've had dinner in one of their favorite restaurants, a quiet one, and headed home right after, silently agreeing on catching the game together.
They don't exchange many words during the game. Just sip their beers, trying to follow along with the TV. Jared's the first to break the silence.
"So, there's something I gotta tell you," he starts, rubs his hands nervously on his thighs.
"Okay, what is it?" Jensen turns towards him, eyes his friend carefully.
"I'm gonna ... I'm gonna ask Genevieve to marry me." Jared smiles nervously, his face a mix of hopeful and worried. And for a moment Jensen can think of a reason why his friend would look worried, why he is nervous telling him about this.
Then Jared's words hit him.
"Wow, that's ... that's great, Jared," he answers, and he smiles despite the clenching in his guts he can't explain and the uneasiness filling up his belly. "That's great. I'm happy for you, man," he emphasizes and Jared's unease clearly fades and a beaming smile replaces it.
"Uhm, while we're at it." Jensen feels himself blush and contemplates for a second if this is the right time. But then he's waited two weeks already and he knows he shouldn't wait for a right time in the first place. Not with Jared.
"I actually bought a ring, too. You know for ... for Dani. I was gonna ask her soon. When the time feels right, I mean. She has two days off the weekend after next, so I was thinking of flying down and..."
He knows he's babbling but Jared stares at him and Jensen already wants to jump in, say something, anything, but then his friend breaks into a huge grin. "That's awesome! Jensen, why didn't you tell me?"
Jensen just shrugs because he doesn't know the answer to that.
But Jared has already moved on. "Wow. I ... I can't believe we're getting married, man! Married!"
Jensen laughs, feels his heart jump in his throat. "We haven't even asked yet, Jared. They haven't said yes yet," he reminds his friend but Jared's already jumping up, heading over to the kitchen.
"We should celebrate, man! I think we still have some wine and some champagne or something."
Jensen's heart doesn't stop pounding in his chest even when Jared's out of the room.
"Hey, do you want either...," Jared starts shouting, because he thinks Jensen's still on the couch, but Jensen already crosses the remaining distance between them in three steps, pulls his friend down with one hand on his collar and closes his lips over Jared's.
For a moment, time stands still.
Jensen feels like he’s waking up, like his first conscious moment is the second their lips touched and everything before that was just a blur. He doesn't remember making the choice, doesn't remember ever truly thinking about it before, but now he's here, standing in the kitchen, kissing his best friend.
Jensen blinks his eyes open and pulls back little. Just enough so he can see Jared's face and his friend has his eyes closed and stays perfectly still.
He's gorgeous. Sharp, defined angles and soft, toned skin. His hair falling into his face and his lashes fanning over his cheeks. Jensen takes in the face that's so close in front of him and it looks new and different, like someone switched on a light and suddenly Jensen can see. But even more so he takes in the knowledge of what lies beneath that beautiful face. Of the person underneath.
Something hits him low in his stomach. Something more than just attraction and it's a scary feeling. Before he has time to think, he closes the distance again, slower now, feels the soft give of Jared's lips against his own.
This time it’s more of a kiss than before. What hesitance Jensen feels melts under the heat coming from his friend's skin where they touch and he pushes forward, gently, coaxes Jared’s lips open and his whole body shudders when their tongues finally meet, careful but god, so good.
Jared pushes him away a second later.
Jensen stumbles backwards, catches himself on the kitchen counter.
His friend stares at him with huge eyes, chest heaving in shock.
"I'm sorry," they both start in unison and stop, their eyes locked, the air sharp around them.
"Jensen, what..."
"Jared, I'm so sorry," Jensen stops him, his voice sounding nothing like his own. His heart is beating in his chest so hard that it's threatening to crash his ribs. "I shouldn't have done that, I don't know why..."
Jared breathes heavily, confusion written all over his face. "Why did you ... Jensen?" he asks, doesn’t even seem to register Jensen’s words.
"I don't know," Jensen repeats. He's right where Jared is, shocked and speechless and having no clue what just happened.
"Okay, this is ... uhm, wow." Jared lets out a shaky laugh. "I honestly don't know what to say."
His eyes move around the room, focusing on everything and nothing, but he won't look at Jensen and Jensen doesn't know what to say.
"I mean we can't ... uhm, I don't ... wow, I don't ... ."
"Jared, I'm sorry," Jensen says again because it's the only thing he knows for sure right now. "God, you were just telling me about you and Gen, and I ..."
Shocked eyes turn to Jensen. "Fuck, Gen!" Jared gasps, as if he's only thinking about her now, as if she hadn't been the reason why he'd pushed Jensen away in the first place. "She doesn't need to know, Jensen, right? They don't need to ..."
Jensen nods silently.
"That was just a fluke, right? Just panic, maybe? Marriage is a huge step, man." Jared laughs, makes an effort to shake this off and Jensen's grateful for it because his tongue still feels heavy in his mouth and his lips won't respond to him yet.
"Yeah, sure," he answers stiffly. He isn't able to think, isn't able to process anything more than 'I kissed Jared' and he feels like he's going to freak out. Like any minute now he will do something stupid. Something even more stupid than kissing his best friend.
"Okay, so uhm... we're good?" Jared asks and Jensen needs a few seconds to finally nod.
"Well," Jared goes on, "I think I should ... you know... go to bed. It's already late and uhm... yeah."
Jensen watches him leave, something breaking inside him, the only random thought in his head echoing, 'tomorrow is Saturday'.
The moment he hears Jared's bedroom door click shut, he knows he can't stay. Something is itching under his skin, makes him edgy and unrecognizable to himself and what he just did ...
Jensen doesn't think about it much, just walks into his room, pulls out his duffle from the bottom of his closet, throws in some clothes and necessities and heads out into the kitchen. He writes Jared a quick note - "Going to see Chris. Back on Sunday. J" - and is out of the house before his beating heart has even the chance to calm down.
The tires screech on the asphalt as he leaves and he would feel embarassed about how cliché he's being, but right now he can't think.
He's done something incredibly wrong and not just because of Danneel or Genevieve. But also because of them, Jensen and Jared, best friends forever, and all that stupid girly shit that still couldn't be more true. He has put everything at risk. Everything.
Jensen lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding when he sees the first sign pointing him to the airport. He's going to take the next flight to Chris' or hell, he's going to drive down there; and then clear his head, get it back on straight. Jensen groans and closes his eyes briefly at the bad pun.
But Chris will know what to do and say, or not say, and he will be better off with a change of scenery for the weekend and Jared will be grateful for a couple of days free of Jensen, especially after what he did.
Jensen keeps telling himself all this as he parks the car at the airport. Although he feels an uneasy shiver go down his spine at the look of one of these heavy machines that are flying in and out, and despite the even stronger pull at his guts of something he can't name, something that wants him to go back, something that almost makes him hurt thinking about leaving Jared, Jensen's steps are steady when he walks into the building.
Jensen watches Chris vanish around the corner and he's suddenly back to where he was when he left on Friday. His flight is only leaving in an hour, but Chris has an important appointment and with Chris gone, so is the confidence he has built up over the last few hours.
Chris had helped him with that. One look at Jensen and Chris had been determined to make Jensen spill his guts.
It had taken him untill today.
At first, Jensen hadn't felt like talking about it, hadn't felt like caring and sharing and talking about his feelings like a little schoolgirl. But this morning Chris hadn't taken his crap any longer and made Jensen spill out everything.
Jensen closes his eyes briefly and still feels his ears turn pink at the memory of saying it out loud. 'I kissed Jared'.
Chris had almost spilled his coffee. But he had listened to Jensen without interrupting and suddenly it all had flowed out of him.
All of the past weeks of nightmares and insecurities, of mood swings and too much anger; they all had resulted in a kiss Jensen hadn't seen coming. But now, when he lets himself think about it for just a little, it maybe wasn't as surprising after all.
Chris had listened silently. And then, when Jensen had finished and gotten more things off his chest than he knew he was carrying around, Chris had asked just one question.
'Do you love him?'
At first, Jensen had wanted to laugh, because of course he did. It was Jared.
But then Chris' serious glance had told him that he wasn’t going to get out of that so easily.
Jensen startles when two children run past him, laughing loudly as they play tag. When he looks around, he can even see two girls taking pictures of him, giggling behind their cellphones. But they don't come over and ask for autographs and Jensen's thankful for that. Waiting here to get onto these assembled pieces of metal that somehow are supposed to keep him up in the air is hard enough on its own.
He still doesn't have an answer to Chris's question.
He definitely loves Jared as a best friend, a brother, but more than that? Jensen doesn't know. Things like this haven't been on the table for him before, he never had occasion to consider the possibility of being bisexual and he definitely feels way too old to be considering it now.
Chris' words ring in his ear. How he shouldn't be thinking about stupid things such as liking dick all of a sudden or not. How he should care more about the fact that he might love someone other than the woman he plans to marry.
Thinking of Danneel snaps him back to reality. He feels terribly guilty. If he'd just taken the flight to see her instead of Chris, she probably would have laughed and called it cute if he had told her. They both would have brushed it off as some late experimenting and she would have forgiven him.
But he'd taken the plane to Chris. And this tells Jensen more than he's ready to admit right now.
Jensen takes a look at his cell, his gut clenching at the sight of an empty display. No call from Jared.
Jared had tried to reach him Friday night and almost the whole of Saturday. He dad called and texted messages and tried to call again, but Jensen had refused to answer any of them. Now Jared seemed to have given up on him.
Jensen flips through Jared's messages, although he knows them by heart, feeling like a little girl doing this.
'Hey, I'm sorry, I overreacted, please call.'
'Jensen, please call me, alright? I absolutely overreacted and I'm sorry for that.'
'Come on, man, please don't avoid me, okay? This is stupid. We're friends, right? Things happen, we can talk about everything, okay?'
'Jensen, please, what's wrong? There's gotta be more than just the kiss. Talk to me, man.'
And then, there's one Jensen received this morning, way past midnight.
'Jensen, if this wasn't just a fluke, we can still talk about this? Okay? We'll figure it out. I can't lose you, man.'
Jensen stares at the texts, reads them all again and then he flips his phone shut.
The announcement of his flight makes Jensen stop his musings. He grips his duffel, but then he hesitates walking up to the gate. He's feeling the sudden urge to turn around. To not get into this freaking airplane. To go rent a car instead and drive all the way up to Vancouver.
But then Jensen rolls his eyes about himself and starts walking. If his heart is speeding up and his hands are getting sweaty, he's just blaming it on the fear of facing Jared soon.
Although he knows that's not entirely true.
All the way from the airport Jensen's silently hoping that he will be alone at home, at least for a few hours, so he can try to think of what he will say to Jared, but as soon as he stops in front of their house Jensen can see that he has no such luck.
Jared's SUV is parked up front and when Jensen enters, he can see his friend's shoes and hears noises coming out of the living room.
Jensen takes his time in the hallway and then in his room. Puts everything away slowly, giving Jared time to make the first move, to break the ice.
But even as Jensen unpacks his duffel and stows everything away, washes his face and takes a bottle of water out of the fridge in the kitchen, Jared stays away.
Jensen sighs deeply. Just a few weeks ago everything had been fine and now he is knee-deep in this mess he doesn't know how he got in, least of which how to get out from.
"So, do you want me to move out?"
Jared's soft-spoken question startles Jensen, makes him jerk around and when he finds his friend leaning against the doorframe, fumbling with a pen in his hand, he reminds him very much of Sam. Brooding and defensive.
"What? This is your house, man! I should move out!" is Jensen's first panicked reaction. Then the words really sink in and feel like a kick to his stomach. "Do you mean it? Really?" he whispers, unable to look his friend in the eyes.
"No! Damnit!" Jared shouts, throws his arms up. "But I don't know what's wrong, man, and I can't help if you're not talking to me!"
Jensen gulps, feels the uneasieness, the wrongness that he had lost a little while at Chris's coming back full force. "There's nothing to talk about," he says and can't believe his own ears. "I don't know why you're thinking I'd want you to move out."
Jared stares at him a few seconds, incredulously, and for a moment Jensen thinks that's it, they are going to drop the whole thing and they can both go on, go back to their lives, and pretend the last few days never happened.
Jared doesn't let them.
"You kissed me and then you ran away, disappeared out of the fucking country for three days, man." Jared throws his hands in the air, just like he does when he's upset and angry. "What the hell was I supposed to think?"
Jensen stills. He's torn between keeping silent and telling Jared everything he knows: How confused he is, how off balance he feels when he wakes up every morning. How his heart beats faster every time he sees Jared, but how, somehow, it doesn't feel anything like just a stupid crush.
He wants to tell him how scared he is. That he's going to fuck this up, their friendship, Danneel, his work. He's had the perfect life and now he feels like he’s struggling to stay above water.
He wants to tell Jared all that, but, at the same time, he feels himself closing up. Feels like someone else is settling over him, inside him, filling him up.
"We're not gonna talk about this," he says brusquely and turns around to not betray his words with the look in his eyes.
"Not gonna talk about it?" Jared says angrily and he's getting louder with every word. "Newsflash, Jensen, you're not Dean, okay?"
Jensen clenches his jaw and keeps silent.
But Jared keeps on going. "Dude, the last few weeks? You scared the living crap out of me, man. I'm not just talking about the kiss. This isn't like you! Please, if you need some help, whatever it is, just ask."
"I said, it's fine," Jensen bites out, turning to leave, but Jared catches his arm, makes him stop.
"Jensen."
When Jensen turns to look at his friend, he can see Jared looking at him like a lost puppy, using his eyes, and he is maybe not even realizing he's doing it, but it gets to Jensen regardless.
"Look, I ...," he starts, feeling his anger and his defenses already ebbing away. "Maybe it's because it's getting serious with Dani, alright? Maybe that. I don't know. But don't ... don't make this something bigger than it really is, please."
Jensen feels like an ass for saying that; he can see in Jared's face how the words hurt him even though he tries not to show it. Jared is only worried about him and Jensen keeps acting like a jerk.
But he doesn't know how to say it right, how to do things right, because he still doesn't know what he feels. It's like there's something missing inside him, something aching to be filled, but whatever it is that is missing, it is slowly coming back and makes him feel foreign and different than his usual self.
Like it's not a part of him or hasn't been for a really long time.
"Jared, I'm sorry. I know I fucked up. I know," he says as he catches his friend's eyes. "But don't you think it would be better if we just moved on and let this go?" He knows he's pleading, begging, but he can already see Jared's determination to make him talk weaken and that's all he needs right now.
"But are you sure that ... we're cool?" Jared asks after a while, his voice quiet now, hesitant. "You're sure there's nothing we have to discuss here?" He sounds nervous, he even blushes, and Jensen's actually kind of grateful that he isn't the only one feeling completely out of his depth.
"I'm sure," Jensen answers, his voice just a little rough, his words only halfway a lie.
"Dude? Hey."
Jensen groans when he hears the words tugging at his conscience. He's more asleep than awake as someone touches his shoulder, pushes at him.
He acts out of instinct as his hand vanishes under the pillow, closes around something and pulls.
"It's you," Jensen groans, blinking at Jared and he feels his whole body relax. He's still tired, his eyes still drifting shut so that's why he doesn't notice the look of panic on Jared's face.
"Jensen," Jared says beside him and the sound of it, breathless and shocked, wakes him up in an instant.
"What's wrong?" he asks and sits up, studies his friend's face.
Jared just points silently at something on Jensen's right and Jensen follows the direction.
He freezes.
There's a knife in his right hand, a bread knife, the one that's usually lying in one of the kitchen drawers. The one his right hand had just pulled out from under his pillow.
"Jensen?" Jared asks, his voice ten times too high. "Why do you have a knife?"
"I don't know," Jensen gasps and drops it immediately, like it's burning his hand. "I don't know," he repeats, his eyes shifting between Jared and the knife.
It's not quite true. He remembers a dream. Something about Dean woken by weird noises. In the dream he reached for the knife under the pillow, something he always kept there, and then he went downstairs to find what was disturbing his sleep.
Jensen doesn't remember more but he gets the feeling that his dream is connected to this somehow.
"Maybe I ... maybe I sleepwalked?" he offers but Jared only keeps on staring at him, like he's grown a third head.
"Jesus, Jensen," his friend finally breathes out. "This is fucking scary."
Jensen huffs. "You're telling me."
"You could have hurt yourself, man," Jared says and suddenly he sounds pissed, as if it's Jensen's fault.
"I didn't do it on purpose!" Jensen hisses and now he's just as scared as Jared is, because his friend is right. He could have hurt himself. Or worse, he could have stumbled over the dogs and hurt them, he could have walked into Jared's bedroom ...
"Jensen, what's wrong with you?" Jared asks and this time he sounds pained and desperate.
Jensen doesn't have an answer.
~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~
next
~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~