The Empty Room - I/1
~*~*~ I sing of things that were ~*~*~
The house was quiet when Jared woke up. Real quiet. Like someone had sucked all the sound out of the room and every step and every breath would remain unheard.
It wasn’t the first time it had felt like this in the early morning. Jared couldn’t recall when it had began but he knew he couldn’t blame it on sleepiness, he was a morning person after all; or lack of caffeine, since he didn’t drink that much coffee anyway. Instead, he had started to pay attention to the weird silence. To the lack of sound. And tried to make sense of it.
The silence hurt. Like the air had gone out of every room, and there was nothing left to fill his lungs. And he would take desperate breaths, only to feel crushing pain in his chest, like he was breathing in needles and blades.
It only happened in the mornings. And sometimes on weekends, when he had fallen asleep on the couch in the afternoons. It only happened just as he was waking up.
Coming home from the set or staying up late, the house was filled with all sorts of noises. The low buzzing from all the electric devices in the living room and in the kitchen. Noises from outside like cars driving by or the rustling of the trees when the wind got stronger.
But not in the morning. Not that morning. The house was quiet.
Quiet except for the scratching coming from downstairs.
Jared went down only to find his dogs in front of the door to the other bedroom in this house. It was lying between the second bathroom and a small storage room Jared never used; right across the living room, the door just two steps away from the stairs.
Their paws were scratching on the wood, creating a noise that stung in Jared's ears. When they heard their daddy coming, they made high, whiney noises, begging to be let into the room.
“Not again,” Jared groaned. But he stepped between the two dogs and opened the door anyway, letting them inside.
“There’s nothing in here,” he told Harley and Sadie. Like they would understand him. Like they would believe him this time and he wouldn’t find them in the exact same position the next day.
But his dogs stumbled into the empty room anyway, tripping over each other and sniffing the air. Exploring the corners, looking up at blank walls and two big windows that let enough sun into the room to make the dust glow in the air.
Jared felt a jolt of pain as he watched his babies. They looked confused, forlorn, like they were looking for something in this room that wasn’t there.
And Jared didn’t know where that feeling came from, but somehow, he could relate. Like he was missing something too.
The doorbell rang exactly when Jared had just finished breakfast and was slipping on his shoes.
“Hey, Clif.” Jared patted the other man on the shoulder once, greeting his bodyguard/driver/friend like all the other mornings when he got picked up.
“You ready?” The huge man grinned, playing with the car key in his hand. Harley and Sadie ran to the door as always, bouncing around the new visitor, but when Jared was ready to leave, jacket and leashes in his hands, they vanished into that empty room again.
“Harley! Sadie! Come here!” Jared’s voice echoed through the house, but the dogs didn’t react.
“Dogs are acting crazy again?” Clif raised an eyebrow and looked at Jared with a mocking grin on his face.
Jared rolled his eyes as an answer. “I don’t know what they have with this room, man. There’s nothing in there. Never has been since I moved here.”
“Mice?” Clif suggested helpfully.
Jared shook his head. “Nah, I checked that. There’s nothing in there. But they’re still acting like they’re looking for something.”
Jared gave up waiting for the dogs and wandered back into the room, tying on their leashes and taking them out of the house with him.
Harley and Sadie safely tucked into their cages in the backseat of Clif’s car, Jared took his seat next to the driver.
“Can we go?” Clif asked, clearly waiting for Jared to answer.
Jared didn’t.
His eyes darting out of the window, he frowned when a sudden, alarming feeling washed over him. “I ... I don’t know.” I think I forgot something, he thought to himself. Jared didn’t say that out loud, because rationally, he knew that he hadn't forgotten anything. He had the dogs and their bag for the dogsitter, and his own stuff, which wasn’t that much anyway. But the feeling stayed.
“Yeah, we can go.” Jared shook his head as if to get rid of the confusing feeling inside him.
Clif shot him a calculating look, but started the car and drove off. “So, busy day?” he asked casually and Jared felt himself starting to relax.
“Nah, not really. Just the meeting with Eric, talking about the new season and stuff and then I have an appointment with Dr. Moira. And Chad’s coming tonight.”
Clif grinned knowingly. “Ahh, partying before shooting starts again?”
Jared laughed with the other man but shook his head. “No, not partying. I’m not really in the mood. Just hanging out with a friend, before we’ll both be too busy to see each other.”
The mood in the car turned serious again, like a switch, and Clif cleared his throat before he started to speak. “So how is it going with Dr. Moira?” His tone was hesitant and his eyes flickered from Jared to the street in front of him and back. “Sorry, none of my business,” he said when Jared didn’t answer.
“No, no! It’s okay. It’s just ... .” Jared let out a deep sigh and rubbed his eyes. “It doesn’t feel like we’re making any progress, you know?”
Clif nodded. “Just give it some time, man.”
“Yeah, I know.” Jared tried for a smile but it didn’t reach his eyes.
“Jared! Take a seat, please.” Her voice was light, her face open and friendly and she smiled up to Jared when he entered the room.
“Hallo, Dr. Moira.” Jared did what he was told and took the chair opposite to her. He squirmed a bit, having problems trying to find the right sitting position and it had nothing to do with his tall frame. He didn’t like it there. Didn’t even know if he liked Dr. Moira, but that was probably just because of what she was, because of the reason he was there.
She smiled when she noticed his discomfort. There probably weren`t many people who liked to be there. “How are you feeling today?”
“Uhm, okay. I’m okay.” He didn’t sound convincing and Jared was well aware of that, but Dr. Moira let him get away with it.
“So, shooting is going to start soon?”
Jared nodded.
“How do you feel about that?” She looked at him, all business like and Jared couldn’t help but think that she must have learned that look somewhere, the glasses on the tip of her nose, her legs crossed, pad on her knees, and a pen in her hand. She looked like her own caricature, like a psychologist from a comic book where everything was a little more exaggerated than it was in reality.
“I’m excited. I’m really ... I can’t wait. I mean, I like having time off and being able to see my family and my friends. But I love my job and it’s gonna be a kick ass season and I can’t wait to start.”
“Jared,” she said in a voice that made him look up. “No prepared answers here. I’m not a journalist, I’m a psychologist. Tell me how you feel about it.”
“I am excited,” Jared made clear. “It’s just ... . Eric’s gonna cast another lead. Like a brother to Sam or something. He thinks it’ll give the show another cool twist, a new dynamic. He wants to put everything he can into the last season.”
“And you’re worried about that? Or are you looking forward to it? Being the only lead of a show asks a lot of work and responsibility from you. But another lead could mean trouble, changes in a routine you have had for years. And he can steal some of your well earned spotlight.”
She gave him a curious look, her pen ready, writing down everything that his answer would tell her about his problems.
Jared squirmed again, felt awkward and ... naked under her gaze. “No. You’ve got it all wrong. I’m not worried,” he explained. “The thing is I should be. Because of all the things you said, I should be angry and worried. But I’m not. Honestly, I can’t wait. I can’t wait to have someone else on the show, someone to share all this with. It’s like it should have been this way all along.”
“Are you lonely?”
Jared flinched. That was the question he’d always been scared of having to answer. He felt weak and pathetic even thinking about it. Being lonely. All his life, the concept of feeling lonely was something he didn’t understand. He had his family, his friends, there had always been people who loved him and Jared hadn’t even spared a moment thinking about how it was like to feel lonely.
“Yeah. Maybe I am,” he admitted weakly.
“How long have you and your girlfriend been separated? Sandy, right?”
“A year and half. Little ... little more than that.”
“And after her?”
“I’ve been dating a girl from the show for awhile. But that didn’t work out.”
“Is that what you’re missing? The partnership?”
Jared took a deep breath, let his eyes wander through the room, and avoided looking at her. “I ... yeah, of course, I miss that. But not ... that’s not it. I mean, yeah, I miss having a girlfriend. But it doesn’t feel like that’s what I’ve been missing.”
“What are you missing? Do you know that?”
Jared shrugged, finally meeting her eyes. “No. I guess that’s why I’m here.”
“Tell me about your dreams.”
Jared felt almost relieved at the change of topic. “They haven’t stopped. I’m dreaming about him every night,” he answered truthfully.
“Do you know who he is?”
“No. But I can see him, you know? I mean, in dreams ... normally you try to look at something closer and it all is suddenly a blur.” He tried to explain it to her, running his fingers softly over his own jawline, to make her understand. “But not with him. I can see his face clearly. But I don’t know him.”
“Does he have a name? Do you call him something in your dreams?”
Jared shook his head. “No. He’s just ... there. And I know him in my dreams. I know him really well. We’re shooting together, I mean, he’s on the show with me and he’s living in my house.”
It felt weird, talking about it. Those dreams felt so intimate, so ... personal, that it didn’t feel good to share them with someone else. To have someone analyze them. Analyze him.
Jared sighed again, rubbing over his face. This was what he was there for.
“What do you do in your dreams?” Dr. Moira didn’t change her position once. Just kept writing down lots and lots of words and Jared wondered if she was ever going to tell him what was wrong with him. Or if she just let him talk and didn’t even know.
“Nothing special. Working, playing video games, going out for dinner, hanging out,” he answered.
“How do you feel about him?”
Jared frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Do you feel good around him? Does he scare you?”
“No, oh god, no!” Jared hurried to explain. “I feel ... awesome with him. He’s like ... my best friend or something.”
“Do you have sexual feelings for him?”
Jared stared at her for a moment, waiting for a small smile or something else that told him she was making a joke. But her face stayed indifferent, looking up to him, waiting patiently for an answer.
“I’m not gay,” he declared.
She gave him a smile then, putting down her pen for a moment. “I didn’t say you were. And even if you had such feelings, it wouldn’t necessarily mean that you’re gay. He could just stand for something in your life that you want or miss. It’s just a dream, Jared. Dreams are not real.”
I’m nervous. Or it’s more like excited, with a tingling anticipation running through my veins and I tap on my jeans while looking outside. It’s dark, sometime after midnight.
A smile breaks across my face when I hear a car stop in front of the house, the headlights illuminating part of the driveway. Just a few more seconds until I can hear someone walking up to the house, and suddenly, Harley and Sadie are next to me, tripping over each other while running to the door.
“Hey.”
He’s inside now, the bags he brought with him are standing on the floor next to the kitchen and the dogs have calmed down enough that he can look up at me and walk towards me without the fear of running over one of them.
“Hey,” he says back with a smile, tired and exhausted, but it still brightens his face and makes his eyes sparkle.
Something shifts inside me.
Something small and sweet, vaguely familiar but better, stronger, than I have ever felt it before. I can't breathe for a second, but then I shove that feeling far away and let my eyes rest on his face.
“Aww, come on, I know you want it.” He smirks and I know he’s just teasing because that is what he does, and I know that because I know him.
I laugh and nod and close the distance between us, wrapping my arms around him.
He feels good, warm and familiar, strong in my arms, even if I’m the taller one and the more built now. I know it wasn’t always this way. Well, taller, of course, but before I was lean and thin, not having these broad shoulders I have now. And I know he’d been the stronger one before and I don’t know why I know that since I can’t recall a memory that tells me that. It’s simply a knowledge that is there, just like the feeling that we already shared a lifetime together.
Like the feeling that we're right where we belong, in each other’s arms.
I step back and let him go, blushing lightly at the thoughts running through my head.
I know what it is now. I know the feeling. But it’s not something I want to think about just yet. It’s too early, too new, too fresh and the happiness that always comes with such a realization is still too strong to be replaced by the fear and uncertainty that inevitably will come.
But for now I just look at him and smile and I don’t think I can’t hide how happy I am.
His face just lights up even more when he looks at me and he doesn’t move, just looks, until the dogs threaten to dig through his bags, their noses already buried somewhere in them, and the moment is broken.
We walk over and grab the bags before the kids can do anymore damage and move them into the bedroom on the ground floor, his room, the dogs in tow.
“Where’s Chad?” he asks, raising an eyebrow, while he starts to unpack his bags. I know that he doesn’t like to keep his clothes in a bag for too long, even if it’s the middle of the night, and it’s simply one of the things I just know.
“Upstairs, sleeping in the guest room,” I answer.
“Party-boy gettin’ old, huh?” He smirks and I can’t help myself grinning back and my heart rate speeds up again.
“So why are you up?”
“Waiting for you to come home.”
He looks up to me and smiles brightly and I don’t know if he knows that I'm not joking.
It burned. Jared tried to open his eyes, tried to find out where he was, because he was standing somewhere, definitely standing, not in his bed and dreaming. But his lungs were about to burst and he was so desperately trying to get some air and nothing happened.
He was making noises. He knew that. With all the heavy intakes of breath he was trying to do, he was making a lot of noise, but he couldn’t hear anything, couldn’t hear himself. He felt like a blind and deaf man, suffocating. He felt like he was drowning.
Then there were hands on him. On his shoulders. He could feel them, clutching him, shaking him.
The slap to his face was what brought him back.
Jared opened his eyes and at the same time, fresh air was filling his lungs.
It took some time until he could recognize what he saw in front of him. Until his eyes had found the connection to his mind and he could realize that it was Chad standing in front of him and that it had been Chad who had slapped him ... awake.
“Dude.” Chad panted as if he had been the one suffocating. His eyes were huge and he was clutching onto a phone, watching Jared with a shocked expression. “You need me to call 911 or something?”
Chad’s voice sounded weird, like far away, like ... the silence was louder than him.
Jared shook his head, both to answer the question and to clear his mind. To come back from wherever his dreams had taken him this time.
Just then he was able to take in the situation in front of him and his heart, that was slowly calming down, sped up again.
“So you’re sleepwalking now?” Chad looked more scared than angry, but he still managed to sound accusing.
“I ... I don’t know.” He looked around. His dogs were standing next to Chad, their tails down, like they were worried ... or scared. Looking up to their daddy like they were waiting for an explanation.
“Dude, I thought you said you were seeing this doctor!”
Jared couldn’t keep up with Chad. His mind was still trying to come to terms with where he was. The empty room. Right in the middle. Right were he had been standing in his dream, talking to the guy he had fallen in lo... oh god.
“I am,” he replied, his voice nothing more than a whisper.
“Well didn’t she tell you what to do not to end up choking to death in your sleep?!”
“She obviously can’t help me!” Jared shouted back, frightening the dogs and Chad.
“Dude, don’t say that,” Chad whispered, his eyes huge.
“What if it’s true?” Jared looked down to his friend, raising his hands in question. “I don’t even know what the hell is wrong with me! How can she help me?”
“Because finding out what’s wrong is her fucking job!”
“It’s just ... it’s getting worse and worse and I don’t even know what ‘it’ is.”
Chad stared at him, silent. And that more than anything told Jared that he had really scared him.
“I’m not ... ,”Chad started and his voice was filled with anger and fear and worry. “Dude, promise me you’ll try. I’m not gonna watch you like that again. This damn hospital ... If you end up there again, I’m not gonna come visit.”
Jared met his eyes and knew that his friend meant it. The last time had been ... too much for him.
Jared cleared his throat. “I’ll try. I promise.”
~*~next~*~