Shoot me in the face with a shotgun!(again perhaps)
http://geradexacondari.deviantart.com/journal/7785139/
Ok, there is a link to the journal at my DA account. I got all ranty and I am too lazy to post it twice...but because I am an attention whore I will link it instead......well...fuck that...*copy paste bitches*
(begin copy)
Well...its basically how I feel. For those of you who are actually reading this...and despise emo-ish rants and the like, stop reading now, you have already wasted your time. For those of you who don't actually give a shit and pretend you do, don't read, you will waste your time. For those of you who are human, and care in a general sense simply because you don't know me, thats fine read if you want. For those of you who care, read and respond.
/run emorant.exe
I am pissed, and I am going to bitch about it now. I KNOW damn well there are people worse off in the world than I am...so I am not saying "pity me", "feel sorry for me" What I AM saying is "I fucking HATE (insert target here)(append reason here)"
This is going to be ALOT of random shit smooshed together, and I will get to WHY later. Sadly enough I compiled a list of shit thats been getting on my nerves, there is soo much stuff going on in my head right now I feel like I am giving birth to a whale or something. I apologize for the random tangents I am about to embark on.
I have come to realize over the years that I am fucked up in the head, but do a good job at not letting it get to me. It started in my childhood I think. I don't feel like I ever got enough of the right attention as a kid. My parents I think did fine, but I never had any friends. I only had people that made fun of me. For this I in a small way blame my parents. I don't think I was ever taught how to express my emotions in a good manner. I also didn't stand up for myself for a while. I would get frustrated and then because I didn't know how to tell somebody how pissed I was...or was too afraid to beat the fuck out of them, I would begin to cry. For this I was made fun of even more. This just compounded the problem. I began to "hide" from everybody and everything around middle school. I was able to find a friend...and I practiaclly lived at his house. I think this helped a bit.
The crying issue-
Well now because of that whole crying thing, I have a SERIOUS emotional problem now. Instead of becoming sad and crying...get all pissed off at myself for even thinking of crying. I now feel that if I cry it means I have let myself become weak. another thing I was made fun of for as a kid. In order to compinsate for that, I started acting all tough. Punching walls, lockers, ect. Even down to taking hits in the face. I would then laugh about it instead of fight back. I didn't like to hurt other people...or so I thought.
Just recently I realized how much of a hateful person I have become. I currently live with my fiance and feel more at home here, and more part of a family, than I ever did at my own home. Well anyways, her dogs got into a fight, and they were really going at it. One of the dogs I hate anyways. Well...as I tried to break them apart, I started to realize that I was having troubel controlling my urges to beat the fuck out of them until they stopped. The one that I dislike runs around and pissed on things etc, and almost pissed on my computer one day. Well, I remember almost clear as day the thought I had..."I should just kill him now and be done with it...but...they will think I am wierd...but I could say he tried to attack me...but still...they wouldn't like it." If you pay attention, there is NO remorse for the dog...and the ONLY reason I DIDN'T kill it was because of a social stipulation. Not because I felt it was wrong, but because I was afriad of the consequences of my actions.
Apparently I am afraid of consequences. Sometimes this causes me not to act. I hate being afraid. Fear over something so trivial makes me feel weak. I hate feeling weak...or crying...just brings back the pain of people making fun of me. I know that I am not the only person to be made fun of, but I was everybodies target in school. The kid that even the people who got made fun of made fun of.
You would think that because of this, I would not make fun of other people....WRONG. I think this is WHY I make fun of people so much. To me its funny, until I realize I hurt somebodies feelings. Then I feel bad for fucking up. This just brings me back to the "well I fucked up again...and made a fool of myself...and now people are making fun of me" even if they aren't...I can hear them in my head.
Why the FUCK can't I let go of shit....or express it...or anything! It just lingers in my head like stale air or something. Just rotting and fucking up my head. I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore. I think I just absorb myself in games and the like to make me forget how I feel.
You want to know how I feel....well I feel worthless. I feel I have no talents, and no purpose or deservance for living. I am a waste of human flesh. I am those that I hate, the people who are "dirt stupid"...you know what people I am talking about...unless you ARE one of those people....
Individuals are fine...I can deal with them....people on the otherhand...KILL EVERY DAMN ONE OF THEM! I hate PEOPLE! I hate MYSELF! I hate everything.
I would go see a phsychiatrist (spelling?) about this but I have no money...and I fear the results of what they might say. Right now...at this very moment...I wish I could bring myself to cry...as it may help. But I can't...I have killed that part of me long ago. Whats really fucked up is here I am making some attempt to explain to people whom I have never met....who I am and whats wrong with me....
I think I could go on for hours and hours about this...and in no order either. My brain is soo fucked up now...I can't sort any of it out. I just want to be done with life....just let me bleed out and be done with it!
Well...thats just too damn easy for me...I like to endure. Well if thats the case why am I pissing and moaning on the net about it. I think its because I want to feel loved, I want to belong. But no matter how hard I try, no matter how many friends I surround myself with...I will always be close to my greatest foe...myself. I think I hate me more than any single person is capable of hating. But because of my stubborn nature, and my sense of duty to my fiance and son, and the few good friends and loved ones I have, I will NOT just lay down and die. This is not my style.
I am the type that will fight to the death...even if I know I will die either way...I will fight just to be defiant. I don't fear death...it happens...part of life. It is inevitable, and we are here on this planet for such a small time. And my fucked up head prevents me from enjoying the entirety of my stay.
I think all I want in life is a sense of belonging, a true sense, a sense of being needed or wanted by those other than family. Not really popularity so much as not the scrawny kid who got picked on because he was weak and he was a crybaby.
Well if you haven't stopped reading by now, I am impressed. In all honesty I don't expect anybody to reply to this....I just don't. I have learned that if you set your standards to zero, you will NEVER be dissapointed with the results...just suprised on occasion when they are at least ok.
Ok I think I need to stop at this point because I have got my head all scrambled...there is so much that I need to get out and get over its fucking rediculious (fuck can't spell...)....yeah....um...I am going to go to bed now, because if I keep typing this....I WILL end up injuring myself via something sharp and pointy or big and heavy....the pain of the flesh helps ease the pain of the soul.
(end copy)
There you have it....emo assault or some other stupid thing.
Ok, there is a link to the journal at my DA account. I got all ranty and I am too lazy to post it twice...but because I am an attention whore I will link it instead......well...fuck that...*copy paste bitches*
(begin copy)
Well...its basically how I feel. For those of you who are actually reading this...and despise emo-ish rants and the like, stop reading now, you have already wasted your time. For those of you who don't actually give a shit and pretend you do, don't read, you will waste your time. For those of you who are human, and care in a general sense simply because you don't know me, thats fine read if you want. For those of you who care, read and respond.
/run emorant.exe
I am pissed, and I am going to bitch about it now. I KNOW damn well there are people worse off in the world than I am...so I am not saying "pity me", "feel sorry for me" What I AM saying is "I fucking HATE (insert target here)(append reason here)"
This is going to be ALOT of random shit smooshed together, and I will get to WHY later. Sadly enough I compiled a list of shit thats been getting on my nerves, there is soo much stuff going on in my head right now I feel like I am giving birth to a whale or something. I apologize for the random tangents I am about to embark on.
I have come to realize over the years that I am fucked up in the head, but do a good job at not letting it get to me. It started in my childhood I think. I don't feel like I ever got enough of the right attention as a kid. My parents I think did fine, but I never had any friends. I only had people that made fun of me. For this I in a small way blame my parents. I don't think I was ever taught how to express my emotions in a good manner. I also didn't stand up for myself for a while. I would get frustrated and then because I didn't know how to tell somebody how pissed I was...or was too afraid to beat the fuck out of them, I would begin to cry. For this I was made fun of even more. This just compounded the problem. I began to "hide" from everybody and everything around middle school. I was able to find a friend...and I practiaclly lived at his house. I think this helped a bit.
The crying issue-
Well now because of that whole crying thing, I have a SERIOUS emotional problem now. Instead of becoming sad and crying...get all pissed off at myself for even thinking of crying. I now feel that if I cry it means I have let myself become weak. another thing I was made fun of for as a kid. In order to compinsate for that, I started acting all tough. Punching walls, lockers, ect. Even down to taking hits in the face. I would then laugh about it instead of fight back. I didn't like to hurt other people...or so I thought.
Just recently I realized how much of a hateful person I have become. I currently live with my fiance and feel more at home here, and more part of a family, than I ever did at my own home. Well anyways, her dogs got into a fight, and they were really going at it. One of the dogs I hate anyways. Well...as I tried to break them apart, I started to realize that I was having troubel controlling my urges to beat the fuck out of them until they stopped. The one that I dislike runs around and pissed on things etc, and almost pissed on my computer one day. Well, I remember almost clear as day the thought I had..."I should just kill him now and be done with it...but...they will think I am wierd...but I could say he tried to attack me...but still...they wouldn't like it." If you pay attention, there is NO remorse for the dog...and the ONLY reason I DIDN'T kill it was because of a social stipulation. Not because I felt it was wrong, but because I was afriad of the consequences of my actions.
Apparently I am afraid of consequences. Sometimes this causes me not to act. I hate being afraid. Fear over something so trivial makes me feel weak. I hate feeling weak...or crying...just brings back the pain of people making fun of me. I know that I am not the only person to be made fun of, but I was everybodies target in school. The kid that even the people who got made fun of made fun of.
You would think that because of this, I would not make fun of other people....WRONG. I think this is WHY I make fun of people so much. To me its funny, until I realize I hurt somebodies feelings. Then I feel bad for fucking up. This just brings me back to the "well I fucked up again...and made a fool of myself...and now people are making fun of me" even if they aren't...I can hear them in my head.
Why the FUCK can't I let go of shit....or express it...or anything! It just lingers in my head like stale air or something. Just rotting and fucking up my head. I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore. I think I just absorb myself in games and the like to make me forget how I feel.
You want to know how I feel....well I feel worthless. I feel I have no talents, and no purpose or deservance for living. I am a waste of human flesh. I am those that I hate, the people who are "dirt stupid"...you know what people I am talking about...unless you ARE one of those people....
Individuals are fine...I can deal with them....people on the otherhand...KILL EVERY DAMN ONE OF THEM! I hate PEOPLE! I hate MYSELF! I hate everything.
I would go see a phsychiatrist (spelling?) about this but I have no money...and I fear the results of what they might say. Right now...at this very moment...I wish I could bring myself to cry...as it may help. But I can't...I have killed that part of me long ago. Whats really fucked up is here I am making some attempt to explain to people whom I have never met....who I am and whats wrong with me....
I think I could go on for hours and hours about this...and in no order either. My brain is soo fucked up now...I can't sort any of it out. I just want to be done with life....just let me bleed out and be done with it!
Well...thats just too damn easy for me...I like to endure. Well if thats the case why am I pissing and moaning on the net about it. I think its because I want to feel loved, I want to belong. But no matter how hard I try, no matter how many friends I surround myself with...I will always be close to my greatest foe...myself. I think I hate me more than any single person is capable of hating. But because of my stubborn nature, and my sense of duty to my fiance and son, and the few good friends and loved ones I have, I will NOT just lay down and die. This is not my style.
I am the type that will fight to the death...even if I know I will die either way...I will fight just to be defiant. I don't fear death...it happens...part of life. It is inevitable, and we are here on this planet for such a small time. And my fucked up head prevents me from enjoying the entirety of my stay.
I think all I want in life is a sense of belonging, a true sense, a sense of being needed or wanted by those other than family. Not really popularity so much as not the scrawny kid who got picked on because he was weak and he was a crybaby.
Well if you haven't stopped reading by now, I am impressed. In all honesty I don't expect anybody to reply to this....I just don't. I have learned that if you set your standards to zero, you will NEVER be dissapointed with the results...just suprised on occasion when they are at least ok.
Ok I think I need to stop at this point because I have got my head all scrambled...there is so much that I need to get out and get over its fucking rediculious (fuck can't spell...)....yeah....um...I am going to go to bed now, because if I keep typing this....I WILL end up injuring myself via something sharp and pointy or big and heavy....the pain of the flesh helps ease the pain of the soul.
(end copy)
There you have it....emo assault or some other stupid thing.