depressed agian.....
meh.....welp....im depressed again... i dont want to do any thing about it either....i hate medicine...i hate shrinks.....they act like i've got to deal with my "issues"...i dealt with it along time ago...mom's gone.. not coming back....that's it.....done.. dealt with....dad is a child molester....and insane....not changing any time soon....yay.. dealt with...im failed at every goal i set.....i'm an underachiever.. ...accepted....my life will always be screwed up....i agree...i expect it....ok.. so whats left to deal with? stop trying to make me talk about it... stop trying to tell me that some how telling you it still makes me feel like crap and hurts like hell that its going to be any better.....its not.. i know that....how much more can you deal with something? just give me my meds...which i hate taking but must have....and let me live my life it as much peAce as i can....meh....i HATE being depressed... and i hate that i quit taking the meds cause they work.. and i feel better.. and then i quit taking them and i feel like crap.. but i hate taking them....aaahhhh.....its a viscous cycle...I HATE IT.... meh....some one just hold me and let me cry for a while......and i only feel worse cause my friends have to deal with it too... i hate being like this.. i hate making them come in and pick up the pieces.. they shouldnt have to see this.....maybe ill just hide in my room for a while...eventually it does get better....well.. better enough that i can fake it with out the meds....i have this urge to scream....or cry... or something....i cant do any thing else....i need a release but i cant....cause well... they would commit me and i've managed to stay out of the looney bin thus far.....not a place i want to go.. i dont want any one to know that it gets that bad....i guess ill just do what i always do....shove it deep down where it will eat me from the inside out... like one of those alien creatures...and one day i will snap for real and it will crawl out of me and then every one will know....I AM CRAZY.... really crazy... not just ooo look at me im doing crazy things to have a good time.. but crazy as in straight jacket, padded room crazy.....meh....i just feel so blah.....maybe a padded room would be nice.. i could just lay there and not do any thing... no stress.. no pain.. no emotions... white.... just plain and simple....flatlines.....every thing done for me....meh....it would still be there.....no escape from it really....its always there....eating away at me....like im some kind of buffet....a fat one....ugh... dont even want to think about that one.....I HATE ME.. i think that's the gist of it though... i hate what i am.. i hate why i am this way....some times i just think its not fair... i shouldnt have to deal with this.. no one should....no one should have their life ruined at such a young age...especially not like mine was....sick bastard...and yet i still cant be mad at him cause he's insane....can you really hold someone accountable when they dont even know who they are? or that the voices are not real? that their reality is only in their head? nope....wHich makes it all the worse.. i cant hate him.. i cant blame it on him....he's my dad...and my other issues.. cant blame my mom...she was little better than dad was....to some degree mentally challenged... oh she could function... you wouldnt know to look at her that she was slow.. but she was only 13 inside....and that doesnt make a very good mom...and she left.....but i cant be mad at her either...she didnt know any better....that bastard she married...step-daddy pedophile...yeah.. fun fun....i hate him...yes....he is one person i can hate....but to be honest.. i dont...i cant...that would require feeling something..and i dont feel any thing...i pretend i can... im damn good at it...so much so that i can make my self believe i really do feel things...as long as i dont think about it....cause then i know.. its all a sham... all fake....I AM FAKE....
i am....fake.....
i am....fake.....