Lately
I never update this thing... it's pretty crazy. But anyways here is a little rant I feel like writing because I haven't written anything in a long time. It will be strange and not make a whole lot of sense unless you know me and few people on here really know me so I guess I'm writing this more for myself than anything else but hey it's my journal right?
Okay so I named this journal George Saki... George Saki was an aspect of myself that I didn't want to face. He was gay and suicidal. Back when I was having problems and self doubt I made up an RP character, a person I could tell stories about, when in reality I was telling stories of things I wish I had the guts to do. Coming out, dealing with my problems, all that. Now I'm way past the suicide ideas, that is completely fucking retarded and I've come to terms with being gay over three years ago, but that doesn't mean I dont have my own host of problems.
I have a loving supportive family and although we're not rich we haven't really had money problems (at least until lately, when we're realizing we will get no help paying for college). But all and all that side of my life has been good. But when it comes to relationships I seem to always fall short. From Josh and our three years of what the fuck, to my horrible choices pairing myself with people like Christian and Joshua. I have flipped from one side of the spectrum to the other so many times its a little insane. I've only been in love once really but I've cared about people enough to get my heart broken more times than I feel comfortable thinking about.
Recently I thought I'd have a chance with this guy named Jonny. Very sweet, very ambitious, talking to him was great and I still think he's a special guy. But after a few days when everything seemed to be good he suddenly said he just didn't like me that way. And a few days after that he asked me about my ex-Christian. A guy who, in his own way is nice, but is really more interested in sex than anything else. I told Jonny it was a bad idea but I told him about Christian as much as I could while being honest. He went out with him anyways, they broke up about three weeks later (a week ago from this post). And by that time i had found a guy named James. Four years older than me but I didn't really notice it, he was great to hang out with and cheered me up. I really liked him and we had been dating for a week or so. Anyways shortly after Jonny's break up Jonny tells me that he has a think for James and James has a thing for him. They both apologized saying they didn't mean to hurt me in this, and I actually do believe that in a way. But now, a few days after that Jonny has decided he in fact does not like James, shortly after any chance for me and James has been ruined by the fact that he already turned me down.
Now I'm friends with all three of these guys and they are great to be around in their own very different ways but sometimes I hate that I'm the one they come to. When they want advice or a shoulder to cry on or someone who can empathize and break down the situation they come to me, even when it involves ways that they have screwed me over. And I'm there for them because doing anything else is impossible for me.
I dont regret a single thing in my past because it's gotten me where I am today. And I know that things could be much worse. So I'll take what I can get and I'll be a good friend when I can.
Orion and I have been getting along lately. He's blunt and honest and gives a realistic, if somewhat pessimistic view of the world that I appreciate hearing. And I've come to terms with James not being the guy for me and at the same time I know I have a good friend that will be there for me when I need it. I dont have many people close to me anymore and I'm trying to get back in touch with some of my older friends and hold on tight to the ones I do have.
Also I sent a message today to someone who has inspired me in the past. I saw similarities in our personalities and experiences shortly after I met him. He's older than me and a really interesting person. Seeing some of the things he's done and gone through, knowing the courage it takes to do some of them I have a great deal of respect for him. Hopefully it wont be disturbing that he's been an inspiration to me because I would like to actually get to know him, not just of him. But no matter how it turns out I'm happy I finally felt like I was able to tell him about it.
I love anyone who reads this and wish you the best.
Okay so I named this journal George Saki... George Saki was an aspect of myself that I didn't want to face. He was gay and suicidal. Back when I was having problems and self doubt I made up an RP character, a person I could tell stories about, when in reality I was telling stories of things I wish I had the guts to do. Coming out, dealing with my problems, all that. Now I'm way past the suicide ideas, that is completely fucking retarded and I've come to terms with being gay over three years ago, but that doesn't mean I dont have my own host of problems.
I have a loving supportive family and although we're not rich we haven't really had money problems (at least until lately, when we're realizing we will get no help paying for college). But all and all that side of my life has been good. But when it comes to relationships I seem to always fall short. From Josh and our three years of what the fuck, to my horrible choices pairing myself with people like Christian and Joshua. I have flipped from one side of the spectrum to the other so many times its a little insane. I've only been in love once really but I've cared about people enough to get my heart broken more times than I feel comfortable thinking about.
Recently I thought I'd have a chance with this guy named Jonny. Very sweet, very ambitious, talking to him was great and I still think he's a special guy. But after a few days when everything seemed to be good he suddenly said he just didn't like me that way. And a few days after that he asked me about my ex-Christian. A guy who, in his own way is nice, but is really more interested in sex than anything else. I told Jonny it was a bad idea but I told him about Christian as much as I could while being honest. He went out with him anyways, they broke up about three weeks later (a week ago from this post). And by that time i had found a guy named James. Four years older than me but I didn't really notice it, he was great to hang out with and cheered me up. I really liked him and we had been dating for a week or so. Anyways shortly after Jonny's break up Jonny tells me that he has a think for James and James has a thing for him. They both apologized saying they didn't mean to hurt me in this, and I actually do believe that in a way. But now, a few days after that Jonny has decided he in fact does not like James, shortly after any chance for me and James has been ruined by the fact that he already turned me down.
Now I'm friends with all three of these guys and they are great to be around in their own very different ways but sometimes I hate that I'm the one they come to. When they want advice or a shoulder to cry on or someone who can empathize and break down the situation they come to me, even when it involves ways that they have screwed me over. And I'm there for them because doing anything else is impossible for me.
I dont regret a single thing in my past because it's gotten me where I am today. And I know that things could be much worse. So I'll take what I can get and I'll be a good friend when I can.
Orion and I have been getting along lately. He's blunt and honest and gives a realistic, if somewhat pessimistic view of the world that I appreciate hearing. And I've come to terms with James not being the guy for me and at the same time I know I have a good friend that will be there for me when I need it. I dont have many people close to me anymore and I'm trying to get back in touch with some of my older friends and hold on tight to the ones I do have.
Also I sent a message today to someone who has inspired me in the past. I saw similarities in our personalities and experiences shortly after I met him. He's older than me and a really interesting person. Seeing some of the things he's done and gone through, knowing the courage it takes to do some of them I have a great deal of respect for him. Hopefully it wont be disturbing that he's been an inspiration to me because I would like to actually get to know him, not just of him. But no matter how it turns out I'm happy I finally felt like I was able to tell him about it.
I love anyone who reads this and wish you the best.