it could only happen to me
As shitty as my life is, I have to admit it is rather interesting. To illustrate: Saturday evening I went to a place called the Clarendon Grill in Arlington (by myself). I had a great time! I talked to this girl named Amy who works at GE and helped her and her friends with their bachelorette party's scavenger hunt. I bought her friend a blowjob shot (Bailey's, Kaluah (sp?), and whipped cream!!) and Amy then preceeded to enlighten me on how to properly use vaseline to not wear down the condom. Anyway, I had fun and had a little more to drink than I planned...at last call I realized I was a little too under the influence to drive anywhere.
So I decided to walk around Arlington for a bit while I sobered up. I don't know how I got so far away, but I looked up one moment and realized I wasn't on the street I thought I was. I was lost! I walked around a long time trying to get back to the bar area with no luck. I was on the phone with KP and she tried to mapquest my location but her retarded computer made it really hard. Like an hour later I found my way back to the parking garage where I left my car. One small problem: the garage was closed and my car was trapped inside. Fuck. I called a few numbers to try to get in but nobody answered. What the hell was I supposed to do?! KP said all the motels in the area are at least $100 a night so that is clearly not happening. I decided I had to find a taxi and get a ride back to Dumfries. I'd have to come back tomorrow to get my car.
As I was walking down the street a car pulls up and the driver asks if I'm ok. I say I am but I'm looking for the intersection of N. Highland and Wilson Rd. (cuz thats where I saw a lot of taxis earlier). He says that he's going that way, and in my drunken lack of good judgement, I hop in his car. I tell him I'm going back to Dumfries and he offers to take me there. Dumfries is like 40 minutes away so I told him he didn't have to do that but he said it was no problem. Anyway, we're driving down the road and he says "Yeah, I'm what you would consider a bisexual..." and I knew this wasn't going anywhere good. He then told me a lot about his past experiences which was sufficiently weird. I was a little concerned about what he was going to do, but I knew that I could take care of myself if things got bad. I fight dirty. He gave me his business card (he's a manager at Target) and said I should call him if I ever wanted to hang out. I didn't really think that would be happening but it was good that someone was nice to me. He dropped me off on the street close (but not too close) to the house and I then proceeded to pass out.
Seriously, who does that? Me, and only me. Ok, maybe kooter too, but I think she'd have even better judgement than that. Let's recap: I went to a bar 40 minutes away by myself in a city I'm very unfamiliar with, proceeded to get too drunk to drive home (those 3 long island iced teas, 3 guinnesses and blowjob shot will certainly do it), got lost walking in Alexandia, got locked out of the parking garage, hitchiked in the middle of DC, got hit on by a bisexual (who I felt wasn't attractive in the least), and made a complete ass of myself. I am clearly not competent enough to function properly in society. I'm never going out by myself again! At least I laughed about it, even while it was all happening, because if I can't laugh when hilarious things like these happen, when can I laugh?
So I decided to walk around Arlington for a bit while I sobered up. I don't know how I got so far away, but I looked up one moment and realized I wasn't on the street I thought I was. I was lost! I walked around a long time trying to get back to the bar area with no luck. I was on the phone with KP and she tried to mapquest my location but her retarded computer made it really hard. Like an hour later I found my way back to the parking garage where I left my car. One small problem: the garage was closed and my car was trapped inside. Fuck. I called a few numbers to try to get in but nobody answered. What the hell was I supposed to do?! KP said all the motels in the area are at least $100 a night so that is clearly not happening. I decided I had to find a taxi and get a ride back to Dumfries. I'd have to come back tomorrow to get my car.
As I was walking down the street a car pulls up and the driver asks if I'm ok. I say I am but I'm looking for the intersection of N. Highland and Wilson Rd. (cuz thats where I saw a lot of taxis earlier). He says that he's going that way, and in my drunken lack of good judgement, I hop in his car. I tell him I'm going back to Dumfries and he offers to take me there. Dumfries is like 40 minutes away so I told him he didn't have to do that but he said it was no problem. Anyway, we're driving down the road and he says "Yeah, I'm what you would consider a bisexual..." and I knew this wasn't going anywhere good. He then told me a lot about his past experiences which was sufficiently weird. I was a little concerned about what he was going to do, but I knew that I could take care of myself if things got bad. I fight dirty. He gave me his business card (he's a manager at Target) and said I should call him if I ever wanted to hang out. I didn't really think that would be happening but it was good that someone was nice to me. He dropped me off on the street close (but not too close) to the house and I then proceeded to pass out.
Seriously, who does that? Me, and only me. Ok, maybe kooter too, but I think she'd have even better judgement than that. Let's recap: I went to a bar 40 minutes away by myself in a city I'm very unfamiliar with, proceeded to get too drunk to drive home (those 3 long island iced teas, 3 guinnesses and blowjob shot will certainly do it), got lost walking in Alexandia, got locked out of the parking garage, hitchiked in the middle of DC, got hit on by a bisexual (who I felt wasn't attractive in the least), and made a complete ass of myself. I am clearly not competent enough to function properly in society. I'm never going out by myself again! At least I laughed about it, even while it was all happening, because if I can't laugh when hilarious things like these happen, when can I laugh?