Thinking Out Loud
A good friend who reads this blog regularly and uses it to keep tabs on me wondered recently whether I’m all right, because I haven’t been posting.
I guess I haven’t been, have I? (Personal aside to Master Jedi, should he read this: Yes, that is a rhetorical question! Yawannamakesomethingofit?)
So I began to wonder why I haven’t been inspired to post. I used to draw most of my inspiration from family life and my writing struggles, and those things are still ongoing. But I don’t seem to feel like writing about them. Maybe there’s too much of a “been there, done that” feeling about it all?
Hmmm... this line of inquiry leads me to the realization that I really am searching for something new to write about. I just haven’t found it.
Something has changed, or is changing.
Yep, I seem to want to move on with things.
But where to?
Hmmm.
Let’s try a making a list. It’s always been my favorite way of thinking out loud - that and doodling. Not that I would share those doodles. An artist, I am not.
OK, let’s start with a heading.
Things I Used to Like, But I’m So Over
1. Worrying about my kids.
Don’t get me wrong - I do worry about them. I can’t help it. It’s so deeply ingrained that when I’m dead and buried, little dust devils of worry will still be dancing on my grave. But let’s face it; my offspring range in age between 22 (nearly - Kickass Daughter’s birthday is next week) and 28. I’ve spent years fussing over them, lecturing them, trying to impart great wisdom along with the basic tips and tricks of surviving a life. It stands to reason that whatever they don’t know now, they will find out on their own, just as I did. I really do think I’d like to spend proportionately more time thinking about other things - like - I dunno - what I’d like to be when I grow up. Whether the world will still exist when I do grow up. What happens to the idea of reincarnation if the world ceases to exist because cooperation, good sense, and bipartisanship are not within the human skill set? Would we all migrate to Galaxy 71704-A and become Meebs on the planet Zoon, and start the whole cycle over?
This particular change in mood is very likely attributable to the fact that Mine Own, whose secure future I have been worrying about and working towards for years, suddenly decided to quit his good job in the middle of a bad recession, take what little money he had, and drive to California and back. Now he’s tooling around somewhere in Virginia, following Phish. I don’t know what he is going to do next, and neither does he. But he is happy. For the moment.
Which makes me wonder what I’ve been working so hard for all these years.
2. Giving off that “Earth Mother” vibe.
This might be a corollary of point 1, I’m not sure. But for my entire adult life, there has been something about me that makes people seek me out for nurturing. I think it’s like a sign hanging over my head surrounded by Vegas-style lights that says, “Come here for a hot meal and sympathy.” It might have started back in grad school when I earned my living as a Residence Counselor in the dorms. For sure it was there by the time I started having kids of my own. By now, the sign seems to be so big it obscures my other features. Whatever they are.
I mentioned this to my sister over the phone and her response (I can say this because she will never read this blog) was to imply that it has to do with my appearance. “Wear stilettos and a long scarf,” she suggested. “Maybe tight leather pants. “
Great. Very helpful. Especially for a woman whose figure is ... well... motherly. It made me grumpy all day until the Master Jedi came home and enquired about the grump. When I told him, he had hysterics and almost collapsed on the kitchen floor - not at the idea of me dressed thusly, you must understand, but at the very idea that outer appearance determines people’s response to other people. What can I say? The man is the opposite of everyone else in the world. He is Jedi. Outer appearance is irrelevant to one who resides on a higher plane where the only currency is inner nature. So yeah, that wasn’t too helpful either.
I wonder whether there’s any way to change the lettering on that big old sign to something like, say, “Let’s have a laugh, do bad things, and at least 50% of the time, talk about ME” ...?
3. Bipartisanship.
Seriously. Like our new President, I had hope for some kind of sensible unification, at least on topics that are critical to our future wellbeing. Now, on bad days (days when I’ve watched too much news on TV), I’m more inclined to agree with Igor Panaris, the Russian Professor who stoutly avers that the End is Near... http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090304/ap_on_re_eu/eu_russia_us_the_end_is_near
Lately, there have been a LOT of bad days. I am very tempted to put the TV in the garage; but then, I like movies.
And speaking of movies...
4. The 18-34 male demographic.
It was fun at first, I’ll admit. Coming from a family of only women, and from an era so long ago that my children consider it the Dark Ages, I never saw a really violent movie until one day, early in our marriage, my dear young husband plied me with gin and tonics to the point where I actually agreed to watch the man who is now the governor of California in a little thing called “Commando.” Yeah, back in the day. The booze did its work, and I found the thing so entertaining that married life thereafter involved quite a bit more sharing of stuff that he liked as well as what I liked. (Actually, now that I think about it, the scales tipped considerably toward his tastes. He still has to be bribed to see certain films. I had to sit through SIX HOURS of “Che” to get him to see the two-hour “Wrestler.” Because it might be too “emotional.” Does that seem fair to you?) Anyway, a good shoot-em-up, particularly with a hunky lead and fast cars, is quite a guilty pleasure sometimes. But please. How many movies based on comic books must we endure? How many weeks must go by before there’s an opportunity for dinner and a movie that offers more than testosterone-fueled hardware or painfully boring adolescent male sexual fantasies disguised as comedy?
Come to think of it, I’m also over gritty Indie reality (one more movie about drug abuse and its effect and I’ll slit my wrists) and French films (because you know what? Those people do nothing but talk and talk and talk about themselves. See item 2.) But those have nothing to do with the topic heading, so I won’t go there.
5. The Fanfiction Forums.
OK, admittedly that’s an odd one, coming from someone who recently returned to the world of TF.N to post yet another fanfic story. And I have nothing to complain about - I have a small cohort of very intelligent readers who like to interact and debate on my story thread. Which is great, because for me, the interaction was always the best thing about posting. But I dunno. It used to feel a lot more exciting than it does now. It seems to be shaping up as one of those life lessons about moving forward, not back. At least the story is still shaping up, which is good. But I’ve been having a fresh look at some of the original fic I was working on last year, and falling back in like with it, which is also good. It’s something to look forward to, since I’ve never been any good at working on more than one thing at a time.
And speaking of writing original fic, I’ve recently discovered the Online Writing Workshop: Science Fiction and Fantasy (OWW:SFF), which is a really interesting set of three related sites - one for receiving crit on works in progress, one for discussion of topics related to the whole writing thing, and one for out-and-out chat. I’ve been a fly on the wall on the writing-talk list, and think I might have found a future home. It’s all grownups, who love and write SFF, who write their comments and chat using full sentences and unimpeachable grammar and punctuation, who share very interesting links with one another, and who are supportive and have a lot of very interesting discussions. So I guess, when I’m done with the fanfic story (and maybe even before, if I can gear up into higher productivity) that might be where I begin hanging out. It’s all about moving forward, I guess. It’s time.
*
OK. Enough of listing stuff. I get the picture: Slowly but surely, things ARE changing, but even after making a list, I still don't know quite how or where. Evolution can be so darned slow sometimes.
I guess I haven’t been, have I? (Personal aside to Master Jedi, should he read this: Yes, that is a rhetorical question! Yawannamakesomethingofit?)
So I began to wonder why I haven’t been inspired to post. I used to draw most of my inspiration from family life and my writing struggles, and those things are still ongoing. But I don’t seem to feel like writing about them. Maybe there’s too much of a “been there, done that” feeling about it all?
Hmmm... this line of inquiry leads me to the realization that I really am searching for something new to write about. I just haven’t found it.
Something has changed, or is changing.
Yep, I seem to want to move on with things.
But where to?
Hmmm.
Let’s try a making a list. It’s always been my favorite way of thinking out loud - that and doodling. Not that I would share those doodles. An artist, I am not.
OK, let’s start with a heading.
Things I Used to Like, But I’m So Over
1. Worrying about my kids.
Don’t get me wrong - I do worry about them. I can’t help it. It’s so deeply ingrained that when I’m dead and buried, little dust devils of worry will still be dancing on my grave. But let’s face it; my offspring range in age between 22 (nearly - Kickass Daughter’s birthday is next week) and 28. I’ve spent years fussing over them, lecturing them, trying to impart great wisdom along with the basic tips and tricks of surviving a life. It stands to reason that whatever they don’t know now, they will find out on their own, just as I did. I really do think I’d like to spend proportionately more time thinking about other things - like - I dunno - what I’d like to be when I grow up. Whether the world will still exist when I do grow up. What happens to the idea of reincarnation if the world ceases to exist because cooperation, good sense, and bipartisanship are not within the human skill set? Would we all migrate to Galaxy 71704-A and become Meebs on the planet Zoon, and start the whole cycle over?
This particular change in mood is very likely attributable to the fact that Mine Own, whose secure future I have been worrying about and working towards for years, suddenly decided to quit his good job in the middle of a bad recession, take what little money he had, and drive to California and back. Now he’s tooling around somewhere in Virginia, following Phish. I don’t know what he is going to do next, and neither does he. But he is happy. For the moment.
Which makes me wonder what I’ve been working so hard for all these years.
2. Giving off that “Earth Mother” vibe.
This might be a corollary of point 1, I’m not sure. But for my entire adult life, there has been something about me that makes people seek me out for nurturing. I think it’s like a sign hanging over my head surrounded by Vegas-style lights that says, “Come here for a hot meal and sympathy.” It might have started back in grad school when I earned my living as a Residence Counselor in the dorms. For sure it was there by the time I started having kids of my own. By now, the sign seems to be so big it obscures my other features. Whatever they are.
I mentioned this to my sister over the phone and her response (I can say this because she will never read this blog) was to imply that it has to do with my appearance. “Wear stilettos and a long scarf,” she suggested. “Maybe tight leather pants. “
Great. Very helpful. Especially for a woman whose figure is ... well... motherly. It made me grumpy all day until the Master Jedi came home and enquired about the grump. When I told him, he had hysterics and almost collapsed on the kitchen floor - not at the idea of me dressed thusly, you must understand, but at the very idea that outer appearance determines people’s response to other people. What can I say? The man is the opposite of everyone else in the world. He is Jedi. Outer appearance is irrelevant to one who resides on a higher plane where the only currency is inner nature. So yeah, that wasn’t too helpful either.
I wonder whether there’s any way to change the lettering on that big old sign to something like, say, “Let’s have a laugh, do bad things, and at least 50% of the time, talk about ME” ...?
3. Bipartisanship.
Seriously. Like our new President, I had hope for some kind of sensible unification, at least on topics that are critical to our future wellbeing. Now, on bad days (days when I’ve watched too much news on TV), I’m more inclined to agree with Igor Panaris, the Russian Professor who stoutly avers that the End is Near... http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090304/ap_on_re_eu/eu_russia_us_the_end_is_near
Lately, there have been a LOT of bad days. I am very tempted to put the TV in the garage; but then, I like movies.
And speaking of movies...
4. The 18-34 male demographic.
It was fun at first, I’ll admit. Coming from a family of only women, and from an era so long ago that my children consider it the Dark Ages, I never saw a really violent movie until one day, early in our marriage, my dear young husband plied me with gin and tonics to the point where I actually agreed to watch the man who is now the governor of California in a little thing called “Commando.” Yeah, back in the day. The booze did its work, and I found the thing so entertaining that married life thereafter involved quite a bit more sharing of stuff that he liked as well as what I liked. (Actually, now that I think about it, the scales tipped considerably toward his tastes. He still has to be bribed to see certain films. I had to sit through SIX HOURS of “Che” to get him to see the two-hour “Wrestler.” Because it might be too “emotional.” Does that seem fair to you?) Anyway, a good shoot-em-up, particularly with a hunky lead and fast cars, is quite a guilty pleasure sometimes. But please. How many movies based on comic books must we endure? How many weeks must go by before there’s an opportunity for dinner and a movie that offers more than testosterone-fueled hardware or painfully boring adolescent male sexual fantasies disguised as comedy?
Come to think of it, I’m also over gritty Indie reality (one more movie about drug abuse and its effect and I’ll slit my wrists) and French films (because you know what? Those people do nothing but talk and talk and talk about themselves. See item 2.) But those have nothing to do with the topic heading, so I won’t go there.
5. The Fanfiction Forums.
OK, admittedly that’s an odd one, coming from someone who recently returned to the world of TF.N to post yet another fanfic story. And I have nothing to complain about - I have a small cohort of very intelligent readers who like to interact and debate on my story thread. Which is great, because for me, the interaction was always the best thing about posting. But I dunno. It used to feel a lot more exciting than it does now. It seems to be shaping up as one of those life lessons about moving forward, not back. At least the story is still shaping up, which is good. But I’ve been having a fresh look at some of the original fic I was working on last year, and falling back in like with it, which is also good. It’s something to look forward to, since I’ve never been any good at working on more than one thing at a time.
And speaking of writing original fic, I’ve recently discovered the Online Writing Workshop: Science Fiction and Fantasy (OWW:SFF), which is a really interesting set of three related sites - one for receiving crit on works in progress, one for discussion of topics related to the whole writing thing, and one for out-and-out chat. I’ve been a fly on the wall on the writing-talk list, and think I might have found a future home. It’s all grownups, who love and write SFF, who write their comments and chat using full sentences and unimpeachable grammar and punctuation, who share very interesting links with one another, and who are supportive and have a lot of very interesting discussions. So I guess, when I’m done with the fanfic story (and maybe even before, if I can gear up into higher productivity) that might be where I begin hanging out. It’s all about moving forward, I guess. It’s time.
*
OK. Enough of listing stuff. I get the picture: Slowly but surely, things ARE changing, but even after making a list, I still don't know quite how or where. Evolution can be so darned slow sometimes.