Almost my birthday
and for once I'm not all that excited.
I am a birthday kind of gal. I love birthdays. I love my birthday, I love your birthday, I love the ideas of birthdays. The cakes, the balloons, the pinatas I've never had, the tiaras I've never worn, (although I act like a princess), the company of good friends, etc.
But as I get older it's not the number that's frightening me. It's the lack of anything substantial to go along with that number. I made a few mistakes when I was younger. Granted, we all do. But I wish I had known that grades actually mattered. For some reason I never really understood that until it was too late.
I wish I had figured out how money worked a lot earlier. Then I wouldn't have the debt that makes me afraid to do anything meaningful with my life. I would have some sort of financial security and much more independence as I steadily creep closer to the 3-0. Not this year, but it's looming.
I think about all the things that when I was a kid I believed I would have accomplished by this time. I would have had a Master's degree. I would have a successful career (the career path was always all over the map, Vet, Lawyer, President, etc.) I would be married, have children, have a HOME, have a dog, and be LIVING my life.
It all just seems to ridiculous now. All of it. Not that I don't want it. Just that I don't need it to follow a by 30 deadline. But 30 is a scary number in some ways, especially when you are planning a career change, and not getting any younger.
I just want to keep having fun when my birthdays come. When did it start to not be fun?