Details
"If you see an empty coffee mug with a spoon in it laying around, blame Tia because you know it was hers" ~ my Mom
Up until a couple of weeks ago when I heard my mom say this, I didn't think anyone even noticed that I always drink my coffee in a mug with the spoon held to the back with my index finger. Right now I am doing the same thing with green tea in a white mug with a plastic spoon.
It's so nice to feel known. It's interesting how many people can know significant things about you but not know you. Right now the whole world can access information about my professional life and even my salary by looking me up online. They can see where I went to school, what I majored in, and a brief synopsis of my work and volunteer experience. Yet right now I feel more misunderstood than ever. It's somewhat my fault though. I have somehow managed to build a life for myself here that is busy and even interesting, but not deeply involved. I hesitate to give people my real name and where I work. I have to be extremely careful about what I say about my boss. I'm not technically supposed to have this journal but I felt like I had to draw the line somewhere. I want to be known... Everyone wants to be known.
I instantly felt better when I heard my mom make her comment about my mug and spoon (even if it was slightly accusational). I love having parents and a sibling that know my little quirky details. It's not enough though. It should be, and I feel guilty that it's not, but I want more. I want a group and a family of my own that feel the same way about me. At some point we have to leave the people that have known us the longest and trust a new group of people to know us as well. Sometimes it's just easier to keep those couple of people who live states away as the sole holders of such valuable information, but eventually loneliness sets in. Eventually its not enough for the people around me to only know my name and where I'm from. I want them to understand how hard it is for me, and how passionate I am about the things that challenge me. I want them to know the real reason why I'm not dating anyone seriously right now. I want them to know what my real career goals are and not feel like I'm at risk of losing my job for saying so.
But then again there's a risk. There's always the chance that you will tell someone and the worse possible thing will happen... they won't care. They won't think anything of my secret desire to work for National Geographic or why it's so funny and amusing to myself that I have always drank my coffee with a spoon still in the cup (serving absolutely no purpose except to like the feeling of knowing that it is there).
The real reason my mom likes these little details in my life is because she likes me. She cares a lot about my details. She gets frustrated with me that it's rare that I share them with her anymore (more for the reason that I don't share them with anyone).
I want to care about details. I want to love deeply and know and appreciate someone's quirks. It's just hard to do that when I don't see someone here making any kind of effort to do that for me. It's so easy in this city to stick to the main things and somehow run out of time for the rest. But then again I use that a lot of times as an excuse. Truth is I don't want to start over just yet. I feel like I got so lucky with my family and friends the first time around that it's going to be really hard to match. I am afraid of being disappointed. Right now I am generally optimistic about human nature but there is always the chance that one sour lemon will turn me away. I have a fear that everyone gets only one chance to get things right and if they turn those chances down, another might or might not come again. This doesn't really line up with my spiritual beliefs, but everyone has those little doubts and idiosyncrasies that don't quite fit. It's like I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high in the case that the let down would be twice as hard.
But I don't really believe that. I believe in hope. Otherwise I would have never made it through highschool, never made it through sophomore year of college, never made it through Australia and never made it through my first year here. I believe we have to just keep trucking. Along the way there are many little surprises, some good, some bad, but they are there. They keep things interesting.
I think every now and then about what God could possibly be doing in all of this. I can't say exactly what just yet, but I know it's something. Sometimes the sole purpose of going through something hard is to help us recognize something that is good. And I think that just sucks big time. I hate that rule, but for whatever reason it works. It has helped me to appreciate my family and my friends from home. It has made me thankful that I haven't lost myself after all of this time.
It feels good for me to say that I know this is not done yet. I have lots to still go through and a lot to look back at along the way. I would be completely lying to say that I'm not nervous, but I think I'll get through it like I always do. I want to learn to love again and start loving myself. I have never been a person to base my worth on my accomplishments or other people's thoughts, and I don't want to start now. I can feel myself falling into that trap having to try to make it on my own here, but I can find a way to somehow bypass it. No job or status or location will ever make me who I am. I found out a long time ago that there are very consistent things about myself that have remained through all of these. I have to hold tight to them. I have to continue to appreciate the little things about myself that people who care about me will love too. I have to choose my friends based on who wants to get to this level and not waste all of my time with people who won't. I'm done with being lonely in this huge college-like city.
I write all of this because I know I'm not alone. I hear it all the time in the people that I'm closest to. We are all hoping for something real and not willing to settle for another average American life. Hopefully our hoping will pay off. I don't think it's silly and idealistic, I think it's smart. It's healthy. And we should settle for nothing less =).
OK, that last line was oober cheesy, but I don't care. Any of you who know me know that I'm cheesy, and I won't take it back! So there.