(no subject)
so i don't really know what to think. i understand where geran's coming from. there's no way in hell the numbers don't get hella annoying. but i don't know how else to quantitatively explain where i am. I feel as if he should inately understand the importance of said numbers, and that is unfair of me. there is no reason for him to understand any of this, and i've noticed that for awhile. yet i want to be held accountable, and part of that is telling him whether or not i'm eating. that is unfair and i regret it and i doubt i'll talk to him about this again. i just needed someone there to tell me that 1400 isn't so much, there's no need to fret. but he doesn't get that. he doesn't understand and thats ok. i guess it's strange. i wnat him to be proud that 1400>200, that i'm increasing intake like i promised. those boys being proud of me are the only way i can get through this, follow through with this stupid promise. but at the same time, i want him to recognize how hard it is to do this. i want him to kow that i still ponder and regret every bite that goes into my mouth, and appreciate that he is one of the few reasons i am doing this. i sit here, knowing i'm ruining all the work i put in over the past few months. i desparately want to restrict, but i must not. i made a promise and i'll keep it, damn it. i just wish there were someone here, next to me, to help me through it.
i miss the way his arm was around me when i ordered that fucking ommlette/sandwich thingie. i miss how proud he was when i ate half of it. he knows i'm trying, but i wonder if he's getting annoyed/bored as well. i wonder if it drives him crazy when i talk about numbers. he told me he prefers knowing what's goin on, rather than making things up in his head. he'd rather i were honest, and i'm not gonna push him away or anything. At the same time, I don't understand how he can put up with this for so long without at the very least getting bored with me. how can he not find it uninteresting, not want to be like "TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, DAMN IT!!" but i need him to tell me i'm doing the right thing. i need him to encourage me to keep this promise, to remind me that there is one positive thing that's coming out of it. i know he doesn't sit all night, worrying nonstop. but i know that he does worry, and that he does want me to get better. so bc of that, i'll keep this promise. if only to prove to him that i'm not as bad off as he thinks i am, that i can do this on my own and it is under my control.
but god, i wish i hadn't eaten so fucking much.
i miss the way his arm was around me when i ordered that fucking ommlette/sandwich thingie. i miss how proud he was when i ate half of it. he knows i'm trying, but i wonder if he's getting annoyed/bored as well. i wonder if it drives him crazy when i talk about numbers. he told me he prefers knowing what's goin on, rather than making things up in his head. he'd rather i were honest, and i'm not gonna push him away or anything. At the same time, I don't understand how he can put up with this for so long without at the very least getting bored with me. how can he not find it uninteresting, not want to be like "TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, DAMN IT!!" but i need him to tell me i'm doing the right thing. i need him to encourage me to keep this promise, to remind me that there is one positive thing that's coming out of it. i know he doesn't sit all night, worrying nonstop. but i know that he does worry, and that he does want me to get better. so bc of that, i'll keep this promise. if only to prove to him that i'm not as bad off as he thinks i am, that i can do this on my own and it is under my control.
but god, i wish i hadn't eaten so fucking much.