(no subject)
I miss him. I miss they way he holds me when I'm cold. I miss the way he plays with my hair when I'm upset. I miss that look in his eyes the first time we had sex, and every time thereafter. I miss him being in control of me, holding me down and grasping me from behind.
But I don't miss it in the horny fashion, as it may seem. I miss being under someone's control, bc of the intrinsic romance of bdsm, bc of the trust that's necessary and vital for it all to work.
What I want more than anything is to be held, hugged, and kissed on the forehead.
I miss how random and goofy he is: picking me up and carrying me around, leaning in to kiss me and tickling me instead, putting his arm around me while we walk back from Clayton as I regret everything I just ate, rocking me while nausea kills my stomach, being so god damned fucking proud when I do eat. I miss how random and goofy he makes me: spending hours examining the intricicies of color change in fingernails as well as the thickness of his hair, purpousely losing control so he'll spank me and demand my silence as I promise to behave just please, please don't stop, taking 2 am trips to bear mart while the poor guy behind the register giggles at his "favorite soap opera," getting countless meals together where we can just talk and be together, where I don't linger over every bite that I take.
I was thinking about the first time we kissed today. We were watching Boondock Saints (fabulous movie btw) and he began caressing my side. Of course I wasn't quiet (I never am) and backed up into him. He moved my hair, began kissing my neck gently but roughly all at the same time. I arched up towards him, then promptly turned around and kissed him on the lips. I loved the way he held me down and kissed me, was gentle but demanding, moving me where he wanted me.
I was thinking about the first time we had sex, the first time I ever had sex. How I was so nervous and just kept talking and talking and finally sighed and was like "I'm nervous" and he was like "I can tell" and had this look in his eyes. It was a look of understanding and appreciation mixed with desire. Then he started kissing me, laying me down and undressing me. He was gentle, sweet, holding me and caressing me. Did it hurt? Well yeah, but it felt gooooood too. And he was so close and there was so much kissing and I just felt so connected with him. It's corny as hell but I love it.
And the night he finally confronted me about my eating. When I finally told him my actual calorie count. And he got pretty upest, and I thought he was angry. But he wasn't, he was worried. And het alked to me about it. I laid my head on his chest and he played with my hair and told me he was worried. And I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and said I didn't know how to make it stop. When I wasn't feeling well with nausea and such he held me while I shook and rocked, brought me to get food when I was too shaky to go alone, held me while I ordered and didn't freak when I did my crazy nervous hand thing, and while we were sitting eating waffles (oh god)he put his arm around me and was so god damn proud. He is one of those ppl that I can eat around and not feel ashamed.
And during finals, when I couldn't sleep and he and the boys had gone to the radio show while I studied. And I listened to the show and they mentioned me :-D then they got back, stoned as fuck, and watched star wars while I tried to sleep. But I couldn't sleep so I went out and sat with him. But he was about to go to bed so he was like "ok, I have an idea" and wrapped me up (I was shivering like crazy) in the blanket his mom knit him then covered us both in his comforter and then pulled me real close and held me til I stopped shaking. Then we kept talking and he kept holding me til I could tell he was drifting off into sleep and I should let him fall asleep. And I fell asleep watching him sleep.
Oh the funny noises he makes when he sleeps. And when he's asleep and I wake up to him unkowingly moving me and using me as a pillow, and I kiss the top of his head and go back to sleep.
How long til july 1st???
But I don't miss it in the horny fashion, as it may seem. I miss being under someone's control, bc of the intrinsic romance of bdsm, bc of the trust that's necessary and vital for it all to work.
What I want more than anything is to be held, hugged, and kissed on the forehead.
I miss how random and goofy he is: picking me up and carrying me around, leaning in to kiss me and tickling me instead, putting his arm around me while we walk back from Clayton as I regret everything I just ate, rocking me while nausea kills my stomach, being so god damned fucking proud when I do eat. I miss how random and goofy he makes me: spending hours examining the intricicies of color change in fingernails as well as the thickness of his hair, purpousely losing control so he'll spank me and demand my silence as I promise to behave just please, please don't stop, taking 2 am trips to bear mart while the poor guy behind the register giggles at his "favorite soap opera," getting countless meals together where we can just talk and be together, where I don't linger over every bite that I take.
I was thinking about the first time we kissed today. We were watching Boondock Saints (fabulous movie btw) and he began caressing my side. Of course I wasn't quiet (I never am) and backed up into him. He moved my hair, began kissing my neck gently but roughly all at the same time. I arched up towards him, then promptly turned around and kissed him on the lips. I loved the way he held me down and kissed me, was gentle but demanding, moving me where he wanted me.
I was thinking about the first time we had sex, the first time I ever had sex. How I was so nervous and just kept talking and talking and finally sighed and was like "I'm nervous" and he was like "I can tell" and had this look in his eyes. It was a look of understanding and appreciation mixed with desire. Then he started kissing me, laying me down and undressing me. He was gentle, sweet, holding me and caressing me. Did it hurt? Well yeah, but it felt gooooood too. And he was so close and there was so much kissing and I just felt so connected with him. It's corny as hell but I love it.
And the night he finally confronted me about my eating. When I finally told him my actual calorie count. And he got pretty upest, and I thought he was angry. But he wasn't, he was worried. And het alked to me about it. I laid my head on his chest and he played with my hair and told me he was worried. And I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and said I didn't know how to make it stop. When I wasn't feeling well with nausea and such he held me while I shook and rocked, brought me to get food when I was too shaky to go alone, held me while I ordered and didn't freak when I did my crazy nervous hand thing, and while we were sitting eating waffles (oh god)he put his arm around me and was so god damn proud. He is one of those ppl that I can eat around and not feel ashamed.
And during finals, when I couldn't sleep and he and the boys had gone to the radio show while I studied. And I listened to the show and they mentioned me :-D then they got back, stoned as fuck, and watched star wars while I tried to sleep. But I couldn't sleep so I went out and sat with him. But he was about to go to bed so he was like "ok, I have an idea" and wrapped me up (I was shivering like crazy) in the blanket his mom knit him then covered us both in his comforter and then pulled me real close and held me til I stopped shaking. Then we kept talking and he kept holding me til I could tell he was drifting off into sleep and I should let him fall asleep. And I fell asleep watching him sleep.
Oh the funny noises he makes when he sleeps. And when he's asleep and I wake up to him unkowingly moving me and using me as a pillow, and I kiss the top of his head and go back to sleep.
How long til july 1st???