(no subject)
i have this pain in my chest. not a physical pain, just an emotional one. i just want to be held while i cry. i couldn't bring myself to cry with him. he could sense it, though. he was being sweet rubbing my back and playing with my hair. i noticed that when i'm thinking i play with my own hair. i feel neaseous, but not actual neaseous. i hate the emotional pain that i develop. it's so frustrating, so distracting. i'm on day 2 of 10. i can make this. it's just like i wonder if i'm wasting my last few days worrying about this sort of shit. blow job week starts tomorrow, but i hope i don't get it. not bc i want to be pregnant, but bc i want to be fasting better. i lost my period when i restricted before. that and the fact that i wanna have sex. but for once i have no current desire. it's strange; i'm always begging that boy for sex... my sex drive tends to go away when i restrict. that'll be convenient over summer.
i dont' know what to do. i don't know how to make this sadness go away. i just want to curl up in a ball next to him. i just want to be held and be wanted. i want him to want me there. but he wants to sleep and i know it's harder for him to sleep with me there. i wish i didn't have to sleep alone tonight. i wish my sleeping over wasn't a chore in his eyes. in mine it's heaven. i love being near him. i love being able to feel his warmth, to feel all cozy next to him. god i'm so fucking lonley. i just want to be held tonight.
i dont' know what to do. i don't know how to make this sadness go away. i just want to curl up in a ball next to him. i just want to be held and be wanted. i want him to want me there. but he wants to sleep and i know it's harder for him to sleep with me there. i wish i didn't have to sleep alone tonight. i wish my sleeping over wasn't a chore in his eyes. in mine it's heaven. i love being near him. i love being able to feel his warmth, to feel all cozy next to him. god i'm so fucking lonley. i just want to be held tonight.