Monkeys on my back
I'm doing something that is extremely difficult to do. Well, it might not be seen that way by other people. But, for me, it is hard based on how these two 'habits' go hand-in-hand with each other.
As I wrote about earlier with what my goals were for 2005, I have started with a weightloss program that I have put myself into. I am taking nutritional suppliments as well as drinking two meal replacement drinks twice a day (breakfast and lunch). It's not Slim Fast, but a nutritional drink that is better than what Slim Fast offers. It's through the wellness company I promote, and have found these meal drinks very good. They last longer than what Slim Fast does, and I get more for the money I spend on the product than what I would spend trying to get a six-pack of Slim fasts.
So, the weight goal is in the works. *yay me*
The other monkey I'm getting rid of is the smoking habit I have. I went for a period of time (almost a year and a half) where I wasn't smoking, and was able to do that cold turkey way back in 2002 just after texas_knight and I got together. I started back up smoking last year when my PPD hit me real hard. So, I'm doing the cold turkey thing all over again, and started that as of Sunday this week. (The weight loss program began Sunday as well.) I can't do the patches or gum because the blast of nicotine makes me very sick and causes me to have issues with my heart. texas_knight is also kicking this particular monkey off his back, and is helping me with kicking my habit as I help him kick his right back.
One plays on the other. When someone decides to stop smoking, there's a good chance that the person will gain weight. I'm doing both of these, and find myself in a hard place today. I'm hungry. I really want a smoke. But, I said that I was going to stop doing both. I want to be here when William graduates from high school. I want to be here when William graduates from college. I want to be here when I see him say 'I do' to the love of his life. I want to be here when my first grandbaby is brought home from the hospital. I want to be here when I'm 70 years old and am watching the grandkids playing around, holding tightly to texas_knight's hand. I want many things that require me to be healthy, and that means to be smoke free.
I'm struggling with both of these today. The thing I want most right now is a smoke. I'm working on day three being smoke free, so that's a very good thing. I just am having problems with the stress I'm under regarding being alone with William. My mind keeps going back to what life was like for me before being hospitalized last year. I keep thinking of how horrible of a person I must have been to live with. I know that there's a big difference between thinking something bad, and actually going through with doing something bad. I've been told that many, many times. I keep thinking about what the night is going to be like for us. Will he be up one, two, possibly three times? Will it be every hour on the hour like how it was 'x' number of nights ago?
I know I shouldn't think things like that. If I get all stressed out about something that hasn't happened yet, it will only cause William to get stressed, and that will not be a good thing for anyone. And, I don't need any stress at the moment, or at least none adding to what I'm already having to deal with. I have a job internview tomorrow, and need to focus on that for the moment. It's for a similar position I interviewed for a couple of months ago for an Arkansas state agency on the Arkansas side of Texarkana. I'm being put on a schedule so that I can get my body back into the routine of getting to bed early (before 10:30 pm) as well as getting up in the morning (no later than 9:00 am). I haven't had a regular routine in a long time, nearly two years. It's been that long since I was actively working, although I would much rather be in a position where I had my home businesses going so that I wouldn't have to be concerned about working outside the home. But, necessity requires such that I do work outside the home until my businesses begin bringing in money. Hopefully, if I do have to work outside, it won't be for long.
As I wrote about earlier with what my goals were for 2005, I have started with a weightloss program that I have put myself into. I am taking nutritional suppliments as well as drinking two meal replacement drinks twice a day (breakfast and lunch). It's not Slim Fast, but a nutritional drink that is better than what Slim Fast offers. It's through the wellness company I promote, and have found these meal drinks very good. They last longer than what Slim Fast does, and I get more for the money I spend on the product than what I would spend trying to get a six-pack of Slim fasts.
So, the weight goal is in the works. *yay me*
The other monkey I'm getting rid of is the smoking habit I have. I went for a period of time (almost a year and a half) where I wasn't smoking, and was able to do that cold turkey way back in 2002 just after texas_knight and I got together. I started back up smoking last year when my PPD hit me real hard. So, I'm doing the cold turkey thing all over again, and started that as of Sunday this week. (The weight loss program began Sunday as well.) I can't do the patches or gum because the blast of nicotine makes me very sick and causes me to have issues with my heart. texas_knight is also kicking this particular monkey off his back, and is helping me with kicking my habit as I help him kick his right back.
One plays on the other. When someone decides to stop smoking, there's a good chance that the person will gain weight. I'm doing both of these, and find myself in a hard place today. I'm hungry. I really want a smoke. But, I said that I was going to stop doing both. I want to be here when William graduates from high school. I want to be here when William graduates from college. I want to be here when I see him say 'I do' to the love of his life. I want to be here when my first grandbaby is brought home from the hospital. I want to be here when I'm 70 years old and am watching the grandkids playing around, holding tightly to texas_knight's hand. I want many things that require me to be healthy, and that means to be smoke free.
I'm struggling with both of these today. The thing I want most right now is a smoke. I'm working on day three being smoke free, so that's a very good thing. I just am having problems with the stress I'm under regarding being alone with William. My mind keeps going back to what life was like for me before being hospitalized last year. I keep thinking of how horrible of a person I must have been to live with. I know that there's a big difference between thinking something bad, and actually going through with doing something bad. I've been told that many, many times. I keep thinking about what the night is going to be like for us. Will he be up one, two, possibly three times? Will it be every hour on the hour like how it was 'x' number of nights ago?
I know I shouldn't think things like that. If I get all stressed out about something that hasn't happened yet, it will only cause William to get stressed, and that will not be a good thing for anyone. And, I don't need any stress at the moment, or at least none adding to what I'm already having to deal with. I have a job internview tomorrow, and need to focus on that for the moment. It's for a similar position I interviewed for a couple of months ago for an Arkansas state agency on the Arkansas side of Texarkana. I'm being put on a schedule so that I can get my body back into the routine of getting to bed early (before 10:30 pm) as well as getting up in the morning (no later than 9:00 am). I haven't had a regular routine in a long time, nearly two years. It's been that long since I was actively working, although I would much rather be in a position where I had my home businesses going so that I wouldn't have to be concerned about working outside the home. But, necessity requires such that I do work outside the home until my businesses begin bringing in money. Hopefully, if I do have to work outside, it won't be for long.