Lost
Well, not quite. However, that's how I seem to feel from day to day. I know it's been ages since I last posted anything, especially anything of value. I know I'm not doing anything with the communities I'm a member of, and have been removed from a couple of them. I understand the reasoning behind that. I'm sure I'd want active participation if I was head of a community that was supposed to have a clear goal and purpose for people's lives. So don't think I'm upset, because I'm not.
Today is my third year anniversary of my divorce. Whoop-dee-doo. I've been dealing with lots of stuff from the past over the last few weeks. I haven't been the nicest person to be around. I've primarily wanted to dig a hole in the ground that goes down a few thousand feet, and just die in it. Such happy thoughts for this time of year, huh?
Things have gone from bad to worse when it comes to Hubby's work situation. He's never going to be able to go back to his job at the prison. He's going to be placed in a special program that helps people get physically conditioned to do other types of work when back surgery either didn't work, or isn't an option because a person has too much stuff wrong. It's to last 4-6 weeks, M-F, 8-5 each day (except he'll get out at 3 pm on Fridays). He's going to be at my parents house during the week while he's in this program, and will be home on the weekends with me.
I know this is going to be good for him. However, I can't help but feel selfish in the fact that I really don't want to be alone with William all this time. I'm afraid of what it's going to be like. When Hubby was away for a weekend due to a death in the family, I had THE hardest time, and that was just for a day or two. What am I going to do with 5 days straight??? I can't get the thoughts out of my head on two issues: One being that he'll have bad nights each night. The other is the fact that I haven't been alone with William for any extended time since being out of the hospital. I honestly don't want to go through all that mess all over again.
Anyway, I know people have been worried about me. I'm okay. I'm just having a difficult time coping. There's no money. We're barely hanging on by a thread. I don't even know how we're going to make things work day to day beyond what is going on at this moment. I can't think of Christmas as a happy time. All I can see is what William isn't getting or experiencing, and being flooded with guilt left and right. All I feel is hurt, pain. How am I supposed to be happy?
Today is my third year anniversary of my divorce. Whoop-dee-doo. I've been dealing with lots of stuff from the past over the last few weeks. I haven't been the nicest person to be around. I've primarily wanted to dig a hole in the ground that goes down a few thousand feet, and just die in it. Such happy thoughts for this time of year, huh?
Things have gone from bad to worse when it comes to Hubby's work situation. He's never going to be able to go back to his job at the prison. He's going to be placed in a special program that helps people get physically conditioned to do other types of work when back surgery either didn't work, or isn't an option because a person has too much stuff wrong. It's to last 4-6 weeks, M-F, 8-5 each day (except he'll get out at 3 pm on Fridays). He's going to be at my parents house during the week while he's in this program, and will be home on the weekends with me.
I know this is going to be good for him. However, I can't help but feel selfish in the fact that I really don't want to be alone with William all this time. I'm afraid of what it's going to be like. When Hubby was away for a weekend due to a death in the family, I had THE hardest time, and that was just for a day or two. What am I going to do with 5 days straight??? I can't get the thoughts out of my head on two issues: One being that he'll have bad nights each night. The other is the fact that I haven't been alone with William for any extended time since being out of the hospital. I honestly don't want to go through all that mess all over again.
Anyway, I know people have been worried about me. I'm okay. I'm just having a difficult time coping. There's no money. We're barely hanging on by a thread. I don't even know how we're going to make things work day to day beyond what is going on at this moment. I can't think of Christmas as a happy time. All I can see is what William isn't getting or experiencing, and being flooded with guilt left and right. All I feel is hurt, pain. How am I supposed to be happy?