(no subject)
I don't like my previous entry; it was a bit pissy. But this one could get pissier. But maybe not.
I'm coming to the conclusion that I tend to lower my expectations to suit whatever crowd I'm a part of. But perhaps many people do this. But perhaps I'm sick of doing it myself. I want to be the owner (master?) of my own reality and not let my perception of other people's expectations and sense of normalcy hinder what I want to do.
I can think of an example of where I boldly broke what I felt were the expectations of the group. About a week ago, in my English class, we had our formal debate over the American Dream. I luckily(?) did not have to do any debating, for I was assigned to be a moderator. As one of the moderators, I had to ask hard questions about different subtopics, such as housing, education, and environment, which was my main catagory. These questions were all submitted beforehand to the professor and judges, though. And, for the last question, I had the audacity to ask something to the extent of:
I'm wondering if I can ask a question that not only is not on the list of submitted questions but is not directed to a particular subtopic?
*classroom laughs*
And then I asked whether or not the American Dream is ethical if it seeks to bring children into an overpopulated world. Like, is it ethical to have children? How dare I ask that! But I did get interesting responses from both sides of the debate.
From the pro-AD side, I got a short response that basically said well if we didnt have children we would die out so of course lets have kids. Oh man, I wanted to rebuke that myself, but I knew that wasn't my job as moderator. And then a couple friends of mine from the anti-AD side came and totally capitalized on my question, supported some of the implications I hoped would come up, and basically were "with it." Thank you both, Maura & Colin! :D
So yes, I'm glad that I asked that question. There's something else that happened in the debate that I wish I could have acted on, though, that would've been bold of me. One of the questions I asked basically did not get answered. The person who "answered" pretty much skirted around the question such that he could use his pre-prepared speech about environmental stuff that had virtually nothing to do with my question. He would make a nice politician but seriously, though, I thought about cutting him off part-way through and telling him to answer the motherfucking question. But I didn't, because that would be non-conformist of me :( Though my silence basically showed that I accepted and allowed what he did, which I don't feel comfortable with because I don't accept it, I don't think it's cool. But I muzzled my beliefs for the greater good of the group. Or maybe it wasn't so good.
Hmph, I feel like I've done this all my life. I've lowered my self-expectations and repressed my self-actualization because, all my life, I've been so passive. Now I want to do more to create my own reality. Maybe that's what I'm trying to do, a little bit at a time, by taking these leadership workshops and generally staying on top of things.
But then I worry that people will feel threatened by me if I were to be more of a master of my own reality. Think of all the "leaders" who get assassinated and such. Do I stay "under the radar," so to speak, for survival purposes? But do I even feel like I'm "living" if I'm repressed? It's all or nothing, I guess.
I'm coming to the conclusion that I tend to lower my expectations to suit whatever crowd I'm a part of. But perhaps many people do this. But perhaps I'm sick of doing it myself. I want to be the owner (master?) of my own reality and not let my perception of other people's expectations and sense of normalcy hinder what I want to do.
I can think of an example of where I boldly broke what I felt were the expectations of the group. About a week ago, in my English class, we had our formal debate over the American Dream. I luckily(?) did not have to do any debating, for I was assigned to be a moderator. As one of the moderators, I had to ask hard questions about different subtopics, such as housing, education, and environment, which was my main catagory. These questions were all submitted beforehand to the professor and judges, though. And, for the last question, I had the audacity to ask something to the extent of:
I'm wondering if I can ask a question that not only is not on the list of submitted questions but is not directed to a particular subtopic?
*classroom laughs*
And then I asked whether or not the American Dream is ethical if it seeks to bring children into an overpopulated world. Like, is it ethical to have children? How dare I ask that! But I did get interesting responses from both sides of the debate.
From the pro-AD side, I got a short response that basically said well if we didnt have children we would die out so of course lets have kids. Oh man, I wanted to rebuke that myself, but I knew that wasn't my job as moderator. And then a couple friends of mine from the anti-AD side came and totally capitalized on my question, supported some of the implications I hoped would come up, and basically were "with it." Thank you both, Maura & Colin! :D
So yes, I'm glad that I asked that question. There's something else that happened in the debate that I wish I could have acted on, though, that would've been bold of me. One of the questions I asked basically did not get answered. The person who "answered" pretty much skirted around the question such that he could use his pre-prepared speech about environmental stuff that had virtually nothing to do with my question. He would make a nice politician but seriously, though, I thought about cutting him off part-way through and telling him to answer the motherfucking question. But I didn't, because that would be non-conformist of me :( Though my silence basically showed that I accepted and allowed what he did, which I don't feel comfortable with because I don't accept it, I don't think it's cool. But I muzzled my beliefs for the greater good of the group. Or maybe it wasn't so good.
Hmph, I feel like I've done this all my life. I've lowered my self-expectations and repressed my self-actualization because, all my life, I've been so passive. Now I want to do more to create my own reality. Maybe that's what I'm trying to do, a little bit at a time, by taking these leadership workshops and generally staying on top of things.
But then I worry that people will feel threatened by me if I were to be more of a master of my own reality. Think of all the "leaders" who get assassinated and such. Do I stay "under the radar," so to speak, for survival purposes? But do I even feel like I'm "living" if I'm repressed? It's all or nothing, I guess.