i tried
i have been really trying to keep my cool and not really give a damn just be happy that we still see each other, but i didn't last very long. i promised myself i would not get upset. i'm tired of feeling like i don't matter to him. i feel like i have lost one of my closest friends. we could talk about anything to each other whenever, where ever and now it seems like i don't know him at all anymore. it makes me incredibly sad and upset because we used to be so close. i wish i could tell him about everything, the way i feel, things that have happened but i know what he will say you are crazy and you need to get over me but i still love you but not right now and i am supposed to accept this and be fine. well i'm not fine. i wanted to tell him about chris the guy i met at salve and how he came down to visit me over christmas break. nothing happened between us mostly because i wouldn't let it but it doesn't mean he didn't try. i wanted to tell him about rick the guy at the party and how he was all over me and when he had his arm around me and he was rubbing my leg in the hot tub i just wanted to be sick and leave. so i did i left.then there is erica's friend dan who is on of the sweetest people i have ever met but i just am not attracted to him like he is to me. i want to tell him that i only feel comfortable with his arms around me holding me like i said before it won't matter, that i just need to get over him. i do need to get over him and move on but i can't and i know that there are so many other guys out there but i don't want them. when i am with him he can be so nice to me and things seem alright but then it seems like he doesn't want anything to do with me. sometimes when i leave his house i feel used. i don't want to feel like that,i shouldn't. i just want him to tell me the truth about everything. i want him to talk to me instead of saying fucked this i'm not listening to this. what does he want from me, what does he expect