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Feb 09, 2005 23:18

I don’t think this town knows what it means

I don’t really like figurative sculpture. I suck at it. I’m fairly certain that all my creative talents were somehow wasted over the years and I posses nothing more of them, at all. Thus, I suck. I go there every day with led legs and an anxious mind dreading the unavoidable (the part where I suck) and leaving feeling rotten, edgy, degraded and hopelessly lost. I also think I might be turning into somewhat of an alcoholic. This scares me I drink during the day sometimes and when I’m alone or out with people or when I’m sad or pissed-off and now, right now, I had a good day and I feel like celebrating feeling so good with a huge glass of wine. Yeah I’m an alcoholic… nice. Hum, world religions is going good. Ethics is still awesome the hot boy is still hot and I think I will most defiantly come out of that class with a few new friends and also a few new enemies. The ‘liberals’ have all seamed to find one another and we congregate on one side of the class room, an exact opposite sitting position from the side the overly conservative religious freaks sit. We often get in debates and today again I had the lead… I rock at debates and with my posse of awesome class mates, we rule the ethics class. This guy Garrison had my back today, he knew just what to say to really add that extra bit of oomph to my point. Which really made me feel good. I think we impressed the teacher and furthermore ourselves. It was nice, and I had a great deal of fun as well. Later during math class Mimi an I left early to go stop by and say goodbye to Alex… I know I hate him sometimes but in reality I am quite smitten with him. I consider him to really be the perfect man, in all ways. (this also may have to do in a big way as to why I’m still single) I would even say within time that I would love him, I practically already do. It was really sad to see him leave, even though I’m sure I will see more and more of him…(21 in three weeks!!!) Gosh changing things is hard. I don’t know about today the more I think of it… it was a long day and I saw a lot of people in a relatively short time-span, maybe it‘s just that? I don’t know. Things felt different today, I found myself to be very, very chatty and yet disconnected at the same time. I was like “blah blah blah…” all day and then all I wanted to go do was sleep some. Hum. This is really long so I sort of hope no one takes the time to read this… I keep thinking that I want to type more but I don’t really know what. I guess talking to people helps but I don’t know if I feel like talking anymore to anyone. I think my parents are going to be moving back to Las Vegas in a few months or so, that’s what I was informed of last night. I am for many very painfully obvious reasons not going along with. Living on my own will provide a new experience and I might just be a tat freaked out about that, when I really get to thinking about it... I’m happy and excited but at the same time freaked out best describes my feelings. No one with me and all on my own. My very, very lonesome. Thinking about it more makes me so happy and really scared and unbelievably upset, like I could cry kind of upset. Then while in the shower this morning I was thinking about other things that made me really upset, yet somehow I was in a good mood all day. But maybe I was also a tiny bit snappy and short with people today too, so I guess I was not in soooo good of a mood as I thought? I don’t know, I think I think far too much. No, I know I think too much. It’s so hard though always being trapped in my mind… It’s the most destructive and horrible place to be and I’m never out of it. It haunts me and I think it may be slowly destroying me piece by piece. I sit in my room sometimes and think that to myself. After class I went into the bookstore to get some batteries and I saw Austin, he was made to clean up some dog pee… dogs in the bookstore just taking a pee I guess? This world has me utterly confused. My own brain is destroying me and dogs are let to pee in college bookstores? I don’t know what to do or think or say or write to anything… anymore, ever. Nude people at school, talking about terrorists being courageous, wilderness walks during sculpture time… I need to get a system going on here. I’m very near to drowning in my own imaginary world, while the rest of normal society is living in the sun baked desert. So it’s like I’m killing myself but worse because no on can see exactly what I am doing and no one can help. There is more of this. Later I will go on and on again, to be sure. Or you could always just call me up and take me out for tea and I could talk at you all day and into the night and into the dawn and into the afternoon. I’m in a talking stage, I want to think and share and talk and connect and engage and love and friend and evolve and then withdraw and dropout and hibernate.
__Jennifer Hart
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