Response to general poking.
I'm not dead! I swear, I am ... wow that shouldn't be so difficult to answer. Let me start at the beginning.
My child -- Her name is Kyra (An older pronunciation of that spelling though, more like you would pronounce Kira) by the way. That is something I have been very careful to never mention for her own safety, but she is old enough now to make her own choices and she has decided she wants her name out in the world in a HUGE way -- has her stage debut coming up in a few weeks. I am not completely sure how I feel about this. Don't get me wrong, I am proud as hell of her, especially since she told me years ago this is what she wanted to do with her life and that hasn't changed for her. But I worry. Her ultimate goal is film and television and that is a whole other world of pressure and stress and just damn hard to make a place for yourself in. I want her to be happy and do something she loves, of course, at the same time, wow, way to place a ridiculous amount of pressure on yourself child.
The thing is I know she can do it. Any little doubts I had were set aside when her acting coach pulled me aside during a summer camp and said "This one is going to take over the world, you know that right?" I know she has the talent, I know she has the dedication, seems I am still going to worry though.
I am still proud of her though. I can't even begin to find the words to say how much and she has my complete support.
So there is that.
Then there are the house repairs I mentioned months ago. If we had just done the repairs and got on with it that would be over, but noooooo! That would be far too simple for me apparently. I had to decide on a major remodel while I was at it. Then I had to figure out how to pay for it. LOL.
Good news is, I have all of that sorted now. Bad news, it is still going to be a few weeks before we can move back in. *sigh* my goal is to be done by the child's opening on the 19th. Realistically it will probably be some time in January. :/
Absolutely none of the above has been helped by (so I have deleted this line about 8 times now and that is not good, it is not healthy so I am just going to go ahead and say the damn word and get it over with. Not saying the word is how this has remained untreated for decades)
Depression.
Wow. You know how everyone says acknowledging a problem helps. Yeah, no, it doesn't. Acknowledging in this case is actually making it worse. I should be stronger than this. I don't feel better, I feel worse because it is my damn head and I should be able to control it shouldn't I? It isn't like I don't know all the causes, possible contributing factors, treatments (both with and without medication) , hell I can even pinpoint the exact moment it started for me. I was 5. So why can't I make it stop? I don't like feeling hollow and faking every single interaction with everyone, ever. On an intellectual level I know I like certain people and I care very deeply about others, I just can't ever seem to really FEEL it. It is really very frustrating and I know I have not helped myself any by not asking for help it has gotten worse. I remember when I could feel. I don't know for sure when it stopped, but I remember it very clearly. Now the best I can manage is varying degrees of annoyance, anger, frustration and apathy with most of my time being spent in a kind of numb void of perpetual boredom.
I have, finally, decided to take the first step and talk to my doctor. She has no idea and this is all going to blindside the hell out of her and that is going to be decidedly awkward. See this is why it is bad to see your GP enough that you become friends. I would like to add guilt to that list of emotions I can still manage. I can't believe I forgot it in the first place 'cause I am really good at guilt. Apparently I am also really good at lying. So, so much guilt for every time I have ever pasted a smile on my face and cheerfully told someone "I'm doing great!"
Yeah.
So that was not supposed to turn into a complete personal breakdown. Sorry for that. ... See this is where I would usually plaster on the fake interwebs smile and tell you all I am okay just blah blah blah and finish this off with some really bad attempt at humor. Instead I am just going to kind of leave this whole damn mess hanging awkwardly and go wallow in another wave of guilt at how many times I have told the "I am okay" lie to everyone who reads this. I should delete this, No one else needs to see it and yet isn't that just one more way of pretending the problem doesn't exist?
Fuck.
Words of advice that no one ever asked for but I am going to give anyway. Don't try to push it away and muddle through. It just gets messy.
originally posted at http://genlisae.dreamwidth.org/262985.html:
My child -- Her name is Kyra (An older pronunciation of that spelling though, more like you would pronounce Kira) by the way. That is something I have been very careful to never mention for her own safety, but she is old enough now to make her own choices and she has decided she wants her name out in the world in a HUGE way -- has her stage debut coming up in a few weeks. I am not completely sure how I feel about this. Don't get me wrong, I am proud as hell of her, especially since she told me years ago this is what she wanted to do with her life and that hasn't changed for her. But I worry. Her ultimate goal is film and television and that is a whole other world of pressure and stress and just damn hard to make a place for yourself in. I want her to be happy and do something she loves, of course, at the same time, wow, way to place a ridiculous amount of pressure on yourself child.
The thing is I know she can do it. Any little doubts I had were set aside when her acting coach pulled me aside during a summer camp and said "This one is going to take over the world, you know that right?" I know she has the talent, I know she has the dedication, seems I am still going to worry though.
I am still proud of her though. I can't even begin to find the words to say how much and she has my complete support.
So there is that.
Then there are the house repairs I mentioned months ago. If we had just done the repairs and got on with it that would be over, but noooooo! That would be far too simple for me apparently. I had to decide on a major remodel while I was at it. Then I had to figure out how to pay for it. LOL.
Good news is, I have all of that sorted now. Bad news, it is still going to be a few weeks before we can move back in. *sigh* my goal is to be done by the child's opening on the 19th. Realistically it will probably be some time in January. :/
Absolutely none of the above has been helped by (so I have deleted this line about 8 times now and that is not good, it is not healthy so I am just going to go ahead and say the damn word and get it over with. Not saying the word is how this has remained untreated for decades)
Depression.
Wow. You know how everyone says acknowledging a problem helps. Yeah, no, it doesn't. Acknowledging in this case is actually making it worse. I should be stronger than this. I don't feel better, I feel worse because it is my damn head and I should be able to control it shouldn't I? It isn't like I don't know all the causes, possible contributing factors, treatments (both with and without medication) , hell I can even pinpoint the exact moment it started for me. I was 5. So why can't I make it stop? I don't like feeling hollow and faking every single interaction with everyone, ever. On an intellectual level I know I like certain people and I care very deeply about others, I just can't ever seem to really FEEL it. It is really very frustrating and I know I have not helped myself any by not asking for help it has gotten worse. I remember when I could feel. I don't know for sure when it stopped, but I remember it very clearly. Now the best I can manage is varying degrees of annoyance, anger, frustration and apathy with most of my time being spent in a kind of numb void of perpetual boredom.
I have, finally, decided to take the first step and talk to my doctor. She has no idea and this is all going to blindside the hell out of her and that is going to be decidedly awkward. See this is why it is bad to see your GP enough that you become friends. I would like to add guilt to that list of emotions I can still manage. I can't believe I forgot it in the first place 'cause I am really good at guilt. Apparently I am also really good at lying. So, so much guilt for every time I have ever pasted a smile on my face and cheerfully told someone "I'm doing great!"
Yeah.
So that was not supposed to turn into a complete personal breakdown. Sorry for that. ... See this is where I would usually plaster on the fake interwebs smile and tell you all I am okay just blah blah blah and finish this off with some really bad attempt at humor. Instead I am just going to kind of leave this whole damn mess hanging awkwardly and go wallow in another wave of guilt at how many times I have told the "I am okay" lie to everyone who reads this. I should delete this, No one else needs to see it and yet isn't that just one more way of pretending the problem doesn't exist?
Fuck.
Words of advice that no one ever asked for but I am going to give anyway. Don't try to push it away and muddle through. It just gets messy.
originally posted at http://genlisae.dreamwidth.org/262985.html: