...and the promise of the truth.
Ruki saw Cassis as one big, fat lie. That’s the reason why he hated it so much.
For my dear fa_ying.
✖
Ruki hated Cassis.
Not only because it was an old song, or that the riffs are too simple, or that it was far too cheesy - he simply hated it for everything that it stood for. He didn’t even care whether everybody loved it and related to it. (What bullshit, being able to relate to that song.)
It’s not strange to hate something that you make, but of course it’s more usual that you’re proud of your own work. Perhaps Ruki felt a bit good when the song was still newly-made, having accomplished something. But as the time passed by, he realized that he didn’t like it, that he hated it. (In contrast to the song’s message, as one would notice.)
Ruki couldn’t even remember how he was able to make that song up. He always said that his lyrics came from within him as well as from the things around him, but there isn’t a situation that he remembered which could’ve made him sound that idealistic. Nothing around him was that… happy, lovely. If there was he most probably would’ve turned it into something else.
Ruki saw Cassis as one big, fat lie. That’s the reason why he hated it so much.
He didn’t believe in unfading feelings - they always change, back and forth, even. From what he could see, everything depended on only one moment.
Like now, as Ruki clung onto his sweaty shoulders uselessly, fingers sliding anyway as he pressed his face onto the pillow. There was fulfillment, pleasure, elation. Maybe a momentary dash of love within lust, that feeling of needing and being needed. Right now, it all felt good. But once the high fades off there would always be that sense of guilt, wanting to turn back time, even more guilt on both their parts, more so on Ruki’s. That nice feeling doesn’t last long enough to overshadow remorse and let them (him) move on in the easiest way possible.
(But the feeling of needing and being needed always stayed with Ruki for longer than usual.)
He didn’t feel pain in hurting others (aware or unaware of it) for too long either. That didn’t mean that he was numb or heartless or anything similar, no. It simply meant that he too was only human as he forgot, and wanted to forget. Those he wronged, over and over - he only wanted to erase those memories. Apologizing is not an option for him; what’s done is done and if he knew it wasn’t good in the first place or if it wasn’t necessary, then he wouldn’t have done it.
Like now, as Ruki pushed him against the tiles of the bathroom walls, reaching for his mouth and prodding his tongue in between those full lips, even if he knew he really shouldn’t. Why that was, he couldn’t exactly explain himself, but common sense dictated that this kind of relationship would lead to nothing but trouble. It would lead to nothing good but Ruki couldn’t help himself because again, it felt so fucking good and it didn’t matter whether it already hurt for the other party or not.
(But the words I’m sorry always linger at the tip of his tongue; just that he wasn’t sure about what exactly it is he should be sorry of.)
And it all boils down to that disgusting and humiliating feeling of the need to plead, to feel those eyes only on him and nobody else because Ruki would never in his lifetime let himself stoop down to such a level. That constant want for that person’s warmth and wanting to hold out his hands to that person as well simply wasn’t for him.
Like now, as he pulled Ruki in his arms to a tight embrace, as if not wanting to let go even if they’re going to see each other later anyway. Ruki slightly winced at that, as if the touch scalded his skin and so he pushed him away.
(But Ruki was just scared that maybe he didn’t feel the same.)
Aoi looked at Ruki and then back to the fans, smiled, suave as ever. He bid everyone goodbye and pulled Ruki by the hand instead, sensing the younger’s hostility, with a strength that let the other know that he wasn’t going to let go. And if it was physically possible to not to let go, he wouldn’t, because he didn’t know what the future held for the two of them.
(And Ruki is someone he’d like to see in his future, which he most definitely won’t voice out because he knew Ruki wouldn’t be too happy in hearing such things.)
Come to think of it, Cassis had always been Aoi’s song.
For my dear fa_ying.
✖
Ruki hated Cassis.
Not only because it was an old song, or that the riffs are too simple, or that it was far too cheesy - he simply hated it for everything that it stood for. He didn’t even care whether everybody loved it and related to it. (What bullshit, being able to relate to that song.)
It’s not strange to hate something that you make, but of course it’s more usual that you’re proud of your own work. Perhaps Ruki felt a bit good when the song was still newly-made, having accomplished something. But as the time passed by, he realized that he didn’t like it, that he hated it. (In contrast to the song’s message, as one would notice.)
Ruki couldn’t even remember how he was able to make that song up. He always said that his lyrics came from within him as well as from the things around him, but there isn’t a situation that he remembered which could’ve made him sound that idealistic. Nothing around him was that… happy, lovely. If there was he most probably would’ve turned it into something else.
Ruki saw Cassis as one big, fat lie. That’s the reason why he hated it so much.
He didn’t believe in unfading feelings - they always change, back and forth, even. From what he could see, everything depended on only one moment.
Like now, as Ruki clung onto his sweaty shoulders uselessly, fingers sliding anyway as he pressed his face onto the pillow. There was fulfillment, pleasure, elation. Maybe a momentary dash of love within lust, that feeling of needing and being needed. Right now, it all felt good. But once the high fades off there would always be that sense of guilt, wanting to turn back time, even more guilt on both their parts, more so on Ruki’s. That nice feeling doesn’t last long enough to overshadow remorse and let them (him) move on in the easiest way possible.
(But the feeling of needing and being needed always stayed with Ruki for longer than usual.)
He didn’t feel pain in hurting others (aware or unaware of it) for too long either. That didn’t mean that he was numb or heartless or anything similar, no. It simply meant that he too was only human as he forgot, and wanted to forget. Those he wronged, over and over - he only wanted to erase those memories. Apologizing is not an option for him; what’s done is done and if he knew it wasn’t good in the first place or if it wasn’t necessary, then he wouldn’t have done it.
Like now, as Ruki pushed him against the tiles of the bathroom walls, reaching for his mouth and prodding his tongue in between those full lips, even if he knew he really shouldn’t. Why that was, he couldn’t exactly explain himself, but common sense dictated that this kind of relationship would lead to nothing but trouble. It would lead to nothing good but Ruki couldn’t help himself because again, it felt so fucking good and it didn’t matter whether it already hurt for the other party or not.
(But the words I’m sorry always linger at the tip of his tongue; just that he wasn’t sure about what exactly it is he should be sorry of.)
And it all boils down to that disgusting and humiliating feeling of the need to plead, to feel those eyes only on him and nobody else because Ruki would never in his lifetime let himself stoop down to such a level. That constant want for that person’s warmth and wanting to hold out his hands to that person as well simply wasn’t for him.
Like now, as he pulled Ruki in his arms to a tight embrace, as if not wanting to let go even if they’re going to see each other later anyway. Ruki slightly winced at that, as if the touch scalded his skin and so he pushed him away.
(But Ruki was just scared that maybe he didn’t feel the same.)
Aoi looked at Ruki and then back to the fans, smiled, suave as ever. He bid everyone goodbye and pulled Ruki by the hand instead, sensing the younger’s hostility, with a strength that let the other know that he wasn’t going to let go. And if it was physically possible to not to let go, he wouldn’t, because he didn’t know what the future held for the two of them.
(And Ruki is someone he’d like to see in his future, which he most definitely won’t voice out because he knew Ruki wouldn’t be too happy in hearing such things.)
Come to think of it, Cassis had always been Aoi’s song.