(no subject)
Every where you go people ask you, how are you? But no one really cares. The drive through guy at Burger King is just doing it to be 'polite,' He doesn't really want to hear your problems. Just like the rest of the world. We're too caught up in ourselves to realise that some one very close by could be in need. And we all have our 'journals' so that we can get things off of our chest and say things that we wouldn't be able to normally say to people. It's more of a popularity contest then a true journal. Everyone worries what other people will think or say. Most of you know that I don't trust anyone and I'm not one for talking about my problems. Well, I'm finally going to write down how I'm actually doing. Most of you don't know this, but I started smoking again. Winston Reds. My dad kind of encouraged me by providing me a few cigs, but I had started smoking again before that. Oh yeah, I'm jobless and broke! Woo hoo! Yesterday I planned on laying in bed all day, until the party at night that I felt obligated to go to. My dad called me about noon and asked me to come up and help him. So I was like, what ever, I'll help him, but I had a few things I had to get done around here first. So I drag my pathetic ass up and did my chores and took a shower. Then I drove the hour it takes to get up to my dad's and I cried the entire way. About 10 minutes before I got there I put on my poker face and straightened up because everything is fine. I helped him out for a few hours and then I went to Liz's party. On the way there I threw in my Spineshank cd and got myself in 'the right frame of mind' for it. I some what enjoyed it, between coughing fits. They truely care, which is nice. I drove home and layed around. On the way home I had messaged Jessi to wish her a happy new year. Her sister replied and said that she was out and wasn't going to be home that night. Which means she was out getting smashed. Real great when she can't keep anything down because she's sick, but what ever. Her sister called me and we talked for a bit, it was nice I suppose. She invited me out today, I said maybe I'd come out later in the afternoon because I had a party at my Gpa's to go to (which I ended up not going to because I don't want to give him my cold and end up killing him). I started watching The Watcher and drank a beer. Well, I wasn't feeling good so I didn't even finish it and while I was getting around for bed I started coughing again and puked it up. That was lovely, foamy puke. Well I went to bed and got some sleep, more than usual, but still a shitty amount considering I wake up coughing numerous times through out the night. I got up today and ate a bowl of cereal. Not even an hour later I puked it all up. My mom and I decided to not go to my Gpa's and she got called into work (where she currently is). I took a shower and got ready because it helps to ease the depression if I get all dressed up and do something. Only problem is, I have no one to talk to and no place to go. I went to the mall, stayed there about 10 minutes and then I realised how much I hate the mall and I left. On the way home I cried some more. Got home, ate a bowl of chicken noodle soup and finished the watcher. Attempted to take a nap but no sleep could be found. I had hooked up my computer a little bit earlier but there was nothing to do on it, so now here I am once again, with nothing to do but bitch like a little emo girl. I've tried messaging Jessi/Cindi several times today and even called, there's no answer so I'm not sure if I'll go out there. Troy, Sara, and Reese are all out of state. That narrows down a lot to do. Staci is out w/ Trisha and I couldn't get a hold of Franny. I considered calling Lukasz but I don't know what we would do or if he'd even want to hear from me. Our ties as friends have greatly detereorated. So I guess I'll write down my poems and mail them to Jessi like she wanted me to do because she doesn't have the internet and I have nothing better to do. If you need me I'll be listening to my depressing music and wallowing in my own pity... although I doubt anyone would call me because that would be too much of a blessing. Lately I don't even find joy in living. I would never kill myself because it would be too dishonoring and I already have not enough honor, but I don't know if I would even make an effort to defend it. I'm too busy crying because the one person who I love more than anything and would do anything for, I'm still not good enough for. Real blow on the ego. But I'm over her... and my friends care! Fuck off...
