RP LOG with cutandlearn | No sex
[Follows THIS]
Chris was in Sulk 101 mode, and had been most of the morning. Though it wasn't technically a sulk, it was just more a slightly freaked out bewilderment with an aggravation at the whole being a patient thing. He really had fallen asleep in the ICU after a nurse took yet more blood from him for monitoring, and when he woke up, he was in a room with Rick sitting up in a parallel bed watching him. In fact, he had literally shrieked in surprise when he woke up, and it took a few minutes for him to get his bearings, along with a hasty explanation from Rick regarding what had happened. Chris still had the heart monitor on and oxygen in his nose, but all the other added ICU extras were gone. They were also beginning to coax him to eat so he could use the bathroom again, a sure sign he was back on the road to recovery. Of course, Chris had a stubborn streak and was hating what they were trying to offer him.
He was just sitting there chatting to Serena on his laptop when he looked up over the top of the screen and found her standing in the doorway. Rick wasn't in his bed. Bella had come a little earlier and talen him out to one of the balconies for some fresh fair, which left Chris alone to sulk again. He hadn't been sure where Serena was, except that Rick had mentioned she would be back soon. Now she was here and he broke into a smile. "Ahhhh, you're trying to fuck with my head even more, aren't you?" he joked, pointing at her with the hand that had the IV lines in it. He would be glad to get rid of them.
Serena started to laugh as she tucked her iPhone into her pocket and came over to ruffle Chris' hair and kiss his lips softly. She pulled back to smile at him. "It's such a beautiful head to fuck with. I can't resist the adorable confused frown you get. Are you sure you can't just eat a little of the porridge? It would be really nice if you did pee. I want to see you without the tube up your dick almost as much as you, you know."
Chris looked over at the still covered tray of his lunch that had been delivered a little while ago. "I had the juice," he protested, scrunching his nose up. "I'm scared if I throw up, I'll split my gut open again. I told that to this grandma nurse when she, get this, came to feed me. What the fuck? Anyway, she just made me feel like a wank, and told me I had nothing to worry about. That a lot of people don't tolerate the first solid meal they have after surgery. Hello! I'm the freaking surgeon here, I got that memo!" he said and then just to make himself feel better, flipped the food tray off. "Do I look like I need feeding?"
Serena smirked a little as she lifted up the lid of Chris' food tray to fish out the jello and a spoon. "I don't know, sometimes the feeding part can be hot. If you have the right person doing the feeding. No plane noises, or choo-choo trains..." She sat down next to Chris' bed and peeled off the top of the wobbly dessert. "What's it like being back in a room with your brother? Besides the spaghetti envy." Serena dipped her spoon into the jello before she slid the spoon into her mouth slowly and moaned low in her throat as she held Chris' gaze.
Chris pointed at her. "Stop that. It's not working. Even you can't make jello look sexy," he complained. "Who even eats yellow jello? What happened to red or green? It's... I don't know. I spent the first ten minutes thinking he was a pod person. Have you ever woken up in a place that was completely different to where you thought you were? I mean, different to being drunk. If you're drunk, you have the hangover to distract you. But this was like it was right back before the op, like I had dreamt the whole thing. Like one of those weird alternate reality movies. Then Dave came in wearing a pink shirt and actually looked good in it. I swear, I was dreaming. Rick said something about staying at Bella's. Do you know anything about that?"
"Dave was in a pink shirt? And what's wrong with yellow jello. It's pineapple flavoured. It's all tropical and delicious." Serena licked at her spoon suggestively just to tease Chris some more before she broke out into giggles. "I'm sorry, baby. I really am. It was just too much fun. And no, I can't say I have ever woken up like that. No wonder you sounded so disorientated. Bella thought she was helping the two of you out by arranging this, but I guess not. I think it's to do with the chemo and whether the two of you being sick at the same time will be manageable. He's not moving there, or anything."
Chris nodded. "Well, it wasn't cotton candy pink or anything, but it was still pink. Maybe Aimee got it for him. No, I mean, I'm glad she did, and you know how it goes. You gotta do bed moves when you can, and apparently I had been asleep for hours. It just felt like a quick nap to me. I don't know. Were you there when it happened?" He was still looking at the jello suspiciously, but at least it didn't look like bird vomit like the porridge did. "Oh... okay. I mean, if he wanted to move in with her, that's fine..." He might have been just covering, though. The truth was, he wasn't sure he was ready for Rick to stop staying with him yet. It felt like it all only just happened and they hadn't had enough time.
"I was hardly going to let them move you without me hovering and backseat doctoring. I'm done risking you, or your heart. I'm not having anything happen to you. You really were out like a light, so the move was easy. They didn't drop you on your head or anything." Serena ate another spoonful of jello before she scooped up a smaller bit and held it out to Chris. "For me? It's seriously just part of a back up plan. No moving in or out. He's still living with you. He's got to take care of you when I'm not there. But you saw what he was like after his first round. You're not going to be in a position to help him through it this time."
"Are you sure? It feels like they might have. Do you think they took half my brain in the op, too? I'm starting to feel like I should be drooling and talking in tongues. Good drugs, though. Can't complain about those," Chris joked with his trademark smirk. He hesitantly and reluctantly took the jello, but really wasn't impressed with the taste. It was probably more a fact he hadn't a whole lot in his mouth beyond pills and tubes lately, though. "He won't need to take care of me. I'll be fine. He's the one that needs taking care of." Denial was a fine thing.
Serena kissed Chris' forehead as he took the jello and scooped out a little more to offer to him again. She didn't care if he liked the taste or not, just that he was eating. "Take another bite, and you get another kiss. Eat the rest of it, and I might even show you my boob. How's that for bedside manner? They didn't take your brain. You're in one piece. Stop worrying. This is the part where you just let yourself heal. The worst of it's over. I hope." She arched her eyebrow at the denial. "Do I really need to remind you what you've just been through?"
"Okay, another bite and you don't show me your boob. I don't want a boner with a cath. I'm not that adventurous." Chris took the next spoonful, swallowing it before he licked his lips. "I feel weird. I don't know how to describe it. I guess they warned me about it. I would feel like I'm missing a piece of me, and I would get over it. I could deal with that, I was prepared for it. I guess just all the shit going wrong has compounded on it. No, you don't need to remind me at all, I have it all still fresh right at the forefront of my brain. But I'll be a quick healer. It's all good."
"No medical kinks, huh?" Serena teased before she kissed him again for taking a second bite. She watched him with concern as he continued to bury himself in denial, but Serena didn't have the heart to drag him out of it kicking and screaming just yet. She set down the jello as she took his hand and gave it a soft squeeze. That didn't mean she wouldn't just poke around the edges. "There's nothing wrong with not being able to handle looking after yourself, and looking after Rick. Right now you really do just need to take it easy."
Chris reached under the covers and pressed a hand against his hip. He hated all these weird aches and pains he seemed to feel that he had no control over. Eating crap food was crap, but if he got over that bit, he could get rid of that damn tube and maybe have a bit more mobility. He really hated being stuck in a bed. He hated nurses prodding him and looking at him, talking about his bodily functions for all the world to see. He knew it was hypocritical, but he couldn't help it. "I can handle it. It's just this post-op part that sucks. I promised Rick I'd take care of him, and I will. It was... just a hitch in the road. I'm being a pain in the ass. I know. I'm sorry. I don't like being on this side of the playing field."
Serena touched his shoulder. "I know you don't, and I don't exactly like it either. It's not like there's much I can do to help, or to speed things up for you. And it sucks. Are you still in a lot of pain despite the oh so fabulous drugs? Maybe there's something they're missing... Have you been checked over lately or they just obsessing over the porridge? You'll still be able to look after Rick. Sometimes it just means hanging out with someone. Being there for them."
Chris nodded, and when he exhaled, it was tight and strained. "Yeah, there's pain. But it's the sort of pain they can't just keep plying me with drugs for. The wound hurts just because it's a dirty great wound, then my stomach hurts inside because it's not functioning properly yet. I know I need to eat. Then it hurts lower because I haven't been to the bathroom in over a week, and the body's response to things not operating properly is pain. So they're all yay porridge to try and get all that working again. Then I get the dietician. 'You know, Dr Deleo, that the nutritional benefits of fibre and gastrointestional absorption far outweigh the momentary distaste in your mouth. Perhaps they can put some honey in it for you?' Pfft," he added and waved his hand, before tucking his fingers around her wrist so he could put her hand to his mouth and kiss it. He rested his head back on the pillow and pulled his lips to the side. "I dunno... maybe I just figure once his kid comes along and he gets in deeper with Bella, he won't give a shit about me again."
"Maybe you should put some honey on it, and I hate to say it, but the dietician is right. Maybe the stuff is gross, but it's better than having the pain in your lower abdomen, isn't it? That's at least something that's fixable. There could be a whole toilet party. No boobs, just... good times. Think of the relief, of the fact that it's a step closer to getting home where I can be the nagging nurse," Serena told him softly as she watched Chris kiss her hand. She changed his grip so she could take his hand and link their fingers. "That's not true, Chris. You're all he can talk about sometimes."
Chris looked at her in disbelief, and then just started laughing, holding his side so it didn't hurt so much. "Toilet party? Are you serious? I suddenly feel like I'm three years old again when Mom took us to McDonalds the first time I managed to..." He waved his hand. "You know, in the potty. Oh man. This is the last time I give anyone a kidney," he joked, looking down at their joined hands. "Yeah, but that's only now when things are up the shit. I just get nervous. I'm not blaming him or anything anymore. I've stopped thinking he's gonna bail. But guess a couple of hundred times bitten, the whole shyness kicks in. Isn't that how the metaphor goes?"
Serena laughed as well, and offered him a shrug. "Hey, whatever works. I'll resist the urge to talk to you in baby talk though, you're safe from that. Just figured the reward system might work, but the boobs are a no go so apparently my next choice is a toilet party. I'm sure Proctor would have fun coming to one." Serena bit on her lip to let the laughter die down. "Yeah, that's how it goes. Still doesn't mean there isn't an exception to the rule. There's still the law of odds, or something. Eventually you get a different outcome. He's ready to be your big brother."
"Thank you. That is a fact I will be forever eternally grateful to you for. I had this chick who baby-talked to me in bed once. Fuck, only the biggest turn off in the entire world. I ended up telling her I had sphyllisis and getting the hell out of there as quick as I could. And just for the record? When I pee or whatever, I am so not going to be making a public announcement of it," Chris said with a snort of amusement. He glanced over at Rick's empty bed. "Yeah... I can see that. I'm still sure he doesn't know how the hell to pull it off, though. It's not like I need an instruction manual... is it? Am I that hard to be a big brother to?"
Serena frowned a little before she just started to laugh again. "What? Are you serious? Oh my god... No. Just no. Just like I the guy I was seeing that made me call him 'daddy'. Or tried to. I punched him in the face, and kneed him in the balls. No fucking way to I play that particular game. It's just... wrong. So, so wrong." She smiled a little before she shook her head. "No, of course not. But you have to understand that just like you get the shyness coming out, Rick gets the guilt. He still thinks that maybe he fucked up too much to be the brother you need."
"I'm serious. It was friggen awful. Casual sex isn't always a good thing. I've had some terrible experiences. Daddy? Fuck, that is so wrong on so many levels. How old did he think you were?" Chris could see the bowl of porridge sitting there with the cover over it, and he wondered how horrible it looked now it was probably congealed. "Any sort of brother is better than none, though," he reasoned quietly.
"How old did he want me to be might be more the point," Serena said as she stuck her tongue out briefly and shuddered. She glanced at the tray as well and arched her eyebrow questioningly. "Are you game? He'll get that. He's just scared. Same as you. Now that you're sharing a room at least you get to start on the bonding. Then you'll both be at home together."
Chris let out a rough sigh with a slight shake of his head. "Not really. How am I supposed to be sure I won't throw up as soon as that hits my tongue?" he asked skeptically. "Bonding? Like fart jokes and sex war stories?"
Serena shrugged. "No idea. There's still some jello left. Or... ah, I think it's yoghurt. Maybe. Wow, they really hate you, don't they?" She laughed a little before she kissed Chris' cheek. "Sure, and just talking. Being there. Even brothers have puke tests."
"What sort of yoghurt is it? Ah, that taco is but a mere distant memory. If I had known this was going to happen, I would have requested an eight course meal of junk food," Chris said with a slight hint of a sulk in his tone again. "I think I've seen him puke a hell of a lot more than he's seen me. If I was ever sick when I was younger, I hid it from him. Didn't think he would care. Don't get me wrong here, I am realising that this whole failed brother thing has been a two way street. I just got tired of trying to reach out to him. Want to hear something terrible? I don't know how to ask him to help me. If he was sitting here right now and I started hurling my guts up, it would be you I asked to help me, just by default. I want to get better with my hang ups."
Serena took the cover off again, and picked up the yoghurt. She sniffed it as she peered at it, and pulled her mouth to the side. "I think it's berry. It seems pink..." She held it out for Chris to inspect. "If I had known this was going to happen, I would have gotten you tortilla chips, and defiled more than just Bella's office. You'll get better with the hang ups, Chris. You both will. It's a learning curve for the two of you. It just takes time."
Chris looked into the bowl and pressed his lips together. "Okay, I'll eat that," he finally agreed reluctantly. It wasn't that it looked appealing, it just looked less disgusting than the porridge. He had to eat something, or they would end up peg feeding him, or worse, naso-gastric. He would rather stab himself in the eye with a scalpel than let that happen. He had already lost more weight than he was comfortable with. "He shaved his head, didn't he?"
Serena picked up the spoon and for a moment she wasn't sure if she was supposed to feed Chris, or not. So she just offered him the spoon and waited to see if he was willing to take it or not. She let out a quiet sigh of relief at the fact that he was willing to eat something. "Yes, he did. Bella did it for him. Just before the room change. He didn't tell you?"
After twisting his wrist awkwardly to untangle the IV tubes there, Chris managed to take the spoon to have some of the yoghurt. It was a process, and maybe some penny dropped in his head now why the grandma nurse had been there offering to feed him. With the wires from the heart monitor, the oxygen tube, and all the IVs, he was in an awkward situation. And hated it. "I wasn't really with it so much when I got back. I think I actually even laughed at my own hand at one point. Like I said, the drugs are pretty cool. Then lunch came, and I gave him the silent treatment about the spaghetti. Then Bella said he needed fresh air, so we didn't get much of a chance to talk yet. I could just see there was no hair at the nape of his neck when she wheeled him out."
Serena gently took the spoon back off of Chris so she could help him out, the battle with all the wires not lost on her. She hated seeing Chris getting so frustrated, but there really wasn't anything she could do other than feed him the yoghurt. "Just don't be in a hurry to need the drugs again any time soon, okay? I couldn't bear it. And I know it's not all about me, but you wouldn't need it either. He can't help it if he's ready for spaghetti. Cut him a little slack, Chris. It's good he's thriving with your kidney. I'm sorry, baby. When he comes back I'll make myself scarce so you two can talk, okay? I only know because I was talking to Bella when the room moves were on."
"I'm cutting him slack!" Chris suddenly snapped at her and then sunk back against the pillow with a frown. "I'm sorry. I'm not purposefully being a pain in the ass. I'm just having a tough time of it, alright? I'm gonna get annoyed and pissed off. I can't keep apologising for that. I figured actually giving him a kidney was a good amount slack-cutting."
"It's okay," Serena murmured even if she was avoiding his gaze a little in the wake of the snapping. "I just shouldn't have mentioned slack-cutting. Giving him your kidney was amazing, Chris. It really was. And I never said anything about you needing to not be a pain in the ass, or to apologise for having a tough time. I wasn't going to expect anything else."
Chris fell quiet as he continued to eat more of the yoghurt. He couldn't actually really taste much of it. He had a metallic chemical taste in his mouth from various medication. It would probably take a few days to actually get his taste back properly. "I just want to go home. I need to talk to the doctors, whoever the hell is actually my doctor right now. I want to be discharged at the soonest possible point I can be. No hanging around. Rehab to be done at home. It's not like I'm lacking medical professionals around me. I want to feel normal. I don't like feeling so angry."
Serena raised her eyebrows a little as she caught his gaze. "Have you stopped to consider why you are so angry? It might be a good idea to just let the anger out. There's a reason why you're feeling it. It's not like anger is always a side effect of medication. So you don't actually have a leading doctor on your case right now? Does Dave even know who to talk to?"
"I'm angry for a lot of reasons. It's like this whole thing has brought it all out. I just don't have the energy to do anything about it. I do. Sable's my official doctor, Aimee has been consulting. Then there are the transplant docs, plus I had an ICU attending." Before Chris had a chance to stop it, he actually burst into tears. "Dave doesn't think he can talk to me anymore. Tuck told me."
Serena set the yoghurt and the spoon down as soon as Chris burst into tears and she moved her chair closer so she could try and get her arms around him as she kissed his forehead. "Oh, baby. Baby, I'm so sorry... I think for Dave's it's all just a case of bad timing. There's not been much of a chance for him to talk to you. I really need to stop hogging you so he can have some BFF time."
Chris tried to stop the tears as quickly as they came, but it was an action way harder to reverse than it was to start. He didn't want Bella and Rick to walk in and catch him sobbing like a kid again. Rick would just think something was wrong all over. "No... he's not going to try anymore. He keeps getting hurt. I can't even remember times that he might have actually been trying to tell me things. My brain is like mush. I know the cancer thing, and I apologised for that, but what else? My own best mate doesn't want to talk to me about his own shit."
Serena rubbed her hand gently against his arm and just held him. It was breaking her own heart to see Chris cry so hard, but she had also been secretly hoping that he would cry at some point. She'd been worried that he'd bottled it all up, but she also understood that he wouldn't want to cry in front of her. Guys didn't like being seen as weak, whereas she was just more concerned about her boyfriend's wellbeing. "Do you want me to just call him now? He has to talk to you. You're still his best friend, right?"
"No, don't call him. Do I look like I'm in any condition to listen now? I got pissed off at my brother's lunch. I'm not. I can't do anything. I'm just terrified of what he needs to talk to me about. What if he's sick again? He would tell me that, right?" Chris made a noise of frustration as he tried to wipe the tears away, but they just kept coming. This must be what pregnancy felt like. Thank god he was a male.
Serena looked down at Chris as she brushed the tears from his cheeks. "Have you maybe considered that he just wants to be able to talk to his best friend? That it's not actually about anything?"
"It's something. He has never said anything like this before, but I've hardly had much time for him, have I? But he just steps right in as my med proxy without even batting an eyelid. I wasn't there for him when he had cancer, yet he has always been there for me, through all my shit. I've screwed up, and I don't know how to fix it," Chris admitted helpessly. "Just one other thing to be angry at. When he comes here, he just keeps it to small talk. He cuts me off when I try to talk to him, but then, I think he was trying to talk to me when my stitches burst. I can't clearly remember, I just know he was there. I'm so glad he was there."
"So tell him that, Chris." Serena pulled back a little as she brushed her fingers through his hair and over his cheek, keeping up with the comforting touches as the crying started to ease. It really was something to see Dr C so upset, but it also showed just how serious this all was. "He would tell you if he was sick again, just like he'd tell you about any serious changes, but if it was when your stitches burst it's no wonder he's given up trying to talk to you. He probably figures there's never going to be a good moment, so why try? Maybe I'll just talk to Aimee instead. See if I can gage whether Dave will ever come back. And if she bought him a pink shirt. He cares about you, okay? He's not going to just disappear."
"It wasn't a girly pink," Chris added again in his friend's defence. Now he sounded like he had porridge stuck up his nose, and his eyes were all red and puffy. "I am never going to be sexy again. I'm not. Look at me. I'm less attractive than toe fungus. I've scared my best friend away, I gave my brother the silent treatment over spaghetti. I can't have sex. I can't have sex."
Serena bit back a grin as she looked at him and tried to keep her expression serious. "You'll be sexy again, baby. And you'll have sex again. You just need to start eating and you need to go to the toilet and they'll get the tube out and your body will heal. I'm not going anywhere, so as soon as you can have sex I'll be right here ready and willing. I don't love you any less even if you are all teary and clogged up."
"Kathy gave me grapes. When I was on NBM. You're right. She's thick," Chris had to throw in and then rested his head on the pillow with a sigh. He touched her arm again, looking down at his fingers brushing her skin as he was quiet in thought for a few moments. "I love you. I'm sorry everything has been so crappy."
Serena rolled her eyes at finding out Kathy had given him grapes. "I did try and warn you..." Her eyes closed briefly at the touch and she smiled softly before kissing his forehead. "Don't apologise, okay? We're fine. I'm fine. Well, I am now I know you'll be okay."
Chris's forehead creased a little, the expression on his face shifting. She had more optimism in his prognosis than he did, but maybe that was part of her job? He didn't have the emotional capacity to see through it all on his own. He looked over at Rick's bed again, wondering if it was the same for Rick, but he just really wasn't sure what was going on between him and Bella at all. "When I get out of here, I want to go to the beach," he told her, even if had nothing to do with what they were talking about. "Promise me we can go to the beach."
"I'll even wear a bikini top," Serena replied as she brushed her fingers over his facial hair. She wasn't so quick to forget the last thing that she'd promised Chris. She'd promised him he'd be okay in the operation when he'd asked, and she'd had to stand there and watch his heart stop beating. It took her a moment to find her voice again before she gave a nod. "I promise we'll go to the beach."
Chris nodded, satisfied. It gave him a bit of hope, even if it was just in passing. He figured he would know he was fine if he could feel the sand between his toes again. He gave the tray a small nudge. "I've had enough. Will you lie with me? We can watch some cheesy daytime TV and make fun of the hairstyles."
Serena made sure the tray was secure on the little table before she pushed it away so she could climb into bed with Chris, and stretch out next to him without tangling up any of his wires. She linked her fingers with his again as she rest her head on his shoulder. She would do anything with Chris if it made him feel better. No matter how much the doctor in her wanted to push him to keep trying to eat. And no matter how much she just wanted him home.
Word Count | 5,192
Chris was in Sulk 101 mode, and had been most of the morning. Though it wasn't technically a sulk, it was just more a slightly freaked out bewilderment with an aggravation at the whole being a patient thing. He really had fallen asleep in the ICU after a nurse took yet more blood from him for monitoring, and when he woke up, he was in a room with Rick sitting up in a parallel bed watching him. In fact, he had literally shrieked in surprise when he woke up, and it took a few minutes for him to get his bearings, along with a hasty explanation from Rick regarding what had happened. Chris still had the heart monitor on and oxygen in his nose, but all the other added ICU extras were gone. They were also beginning to coax him to eat so he could use the bathroom again, a sure sign he was back on the road to recovery. Of course, Chris had a stubborn streak and was hating what they were trying to offer him.
He was just sitting there chatting to Serena on his laptop when he looked up over the top of the screen and found her standing in the doorway. Rick wasn't in his bed. Bella had come a little earlier and talen him out to one of the balconies for some fresh fair, which left Chris alone to sulk again. He hadn't been sure where Serena was, except that Rick had mentioned she would be back soon. Now she was here and he broke into a smile. "Ahhhh, you're trying to fuck with my head even more, aren't you?" he joked, pointing at her with the hand that had the IV lines in it. He would be glad to get rid of them.
Serena started to laugh as she tucked her iPhone into her pocket and came over to ruffle Chris' hair and kiss his lips softly. She pulled back to smile at him. "It's such a beautiful head to fuck with. I can't resist the adorable confused frown you get. Are you sure you can't just eat a little of the porridge? It would be really nice if you did pee. I want to see you without the tube up your dick almost as much as you, you know."
Chris looked over at the still covered tray of his lunch that had been delivered a little while ago. "I had the juice," he protested, scrunching his nose up. "I'm scared if I throw up, I'll split my gut open again. I told that to this grandma nurse when she, get this, came to feed me. What the fuck? Anyway, she just made me feel like a wank, and told me I had nothing to worry about. That a lot of people don't tolerate the first solid meal they have after surgery. Hello! I'm the freaking surgeon here, I got that memo!" he said and then just to make himself feel better, flipped the food tray off. "Do I look like I need feeding?"
Serena smirked a little as she lifted up the lid of Chris' food tray to fish out the jello and a spoon. "I don't know, sometimes the feeding part can be hot. If you have the right person doing the feeding. No plane noises, or choo-choo trains..." She sat down next to Chris' bed and peeled off the top of the wobbly dessert. "What's it like being back in a room with your brother? Besides the spaghetti envy." Serena dipped her spoon into the jello before she slid the spoon into her mouth slowly and moaned low in her throat as she held Chris' gaze.
Chris pointed at her. "Stop that. It's not working. Even you can't make jello look sexy," he complained. "Who even eats yellow jello? What happened to red or green? It's... I don't know. I spent the first ten minutes thinking he was a pod person. Have you ever woken up in a place that was completely different to where you thought you were? I mean, different to being drunk. If you're drunk, you have the hangover to distract you. But this was like it was right back before the op, like I had dreamt the whole thing. Like one of those weird alternate reality movies. Then Dave came in wearing a pink shirt and actually looked good in it. I swear, I was dreaming. Rick said something about staying at Bella's. Do you know anything about that?"
"Dave was in a pink shirt? And what's wrong with yellow jello. It's pineapple flavoured. It's all tropical and delicious." Serena licked at her spoon suggestively just to tease Chris some more before she broke out into giggles. "I'm sorry, baby. I really am. It was just too much fun. And no, I can't say I have ever woken up like that. No wonder you sounded so disorientated. Bella thought she was helping the two of you out by arranging this, but I guess not. I think it's to do with the chemo and whether the two of you being sick at the same time will be manageable. He's not moving there, or anything."
Chris nodded. "Well, it wasn't cotton candy pink or anything, but it was still pink. Maybe Aimee got it for him. No, I mean, I'm glad she did, and you know how it goes. You gotta do bed moves when you can, and apparently I had been asleep for hours. It just felt like a quick nap to me. I don't know. Were you there when it happened?" He was still looking at the jello suspiciously, but at least it didn't look like bird vomit like the porridge did. "Oh... okay. I mean, if he wanted to move in with her, that's fine..." He might have been just covering, though. The truth was, he wasn't sure he was ready for Rick to stop staying with him yet. It felt like it all only just happened and they hadn't had enough time.
"I was hardly going to let them move you without me hovering and backseat doctoring. I'm done risking you, or your heart. I'm not having anything happen to you. You really were out like a light, so the move was easy. They didn't drop you on your head or anything." Serena ate another spoonful of jello before she scooped up a smaller bit and held it out to Chris. "For me? It's seriously just part of a back up plan. No moving in or out. He's still living with you. He's got to take care of you when I'm not there. But you saw what he was like after his first round. You're not going to be in a position to help him through it this time."
"Are you sure? It feels like they might have. Do you think they took half my brain in the op, too? I'm starting to feel like I should be drooling and talking in tongues. Good drugs, though. Can't complain about those," Chris joked with his trademark smirk. He hesitantly and reluctantly took the jello, but really wasn't impressed with the taste. It was probably more a fact he hadn't a whole lot in his mouth beyond pills and tubes lately, though. "He won't need to take care of me. I'll be fine. He's the one that needs taking care of." Denial was a fine thing.
Serena kissed Chris' forehead as he took the jello and scooped out a little more to offer to him again. She didn't care if he liked the taste or not, just that he was eating. "Take another bite, and you get another kiss. Eat the rest of it, and I might even show you my boob. How's that for bedside manner? They didn't take your brain. You're in one piece. Stop worrying. This is the part where you just let yourself heal. The worst of it's over. I hope." She arched her eyebrow at the denial. "Do I really need to remind you what you've just been through?"
"Okay, another bite and you don't show me your boob. I don't want a boner with a cath. I'm not that adventurous." Chris took the next spoonful, swallowing it before he licked his lips. "I feel weird. I don't know how to describe it. I guess they warned me about it. I would feel like I'm missing a piece of me, and I would get over it. I could deal with that, I was prepared for it. I guess just all the shit going wrong has compounded on it. No, you don't need to remind me at all, I have it all still fresh right at the forefront of my brain. But I'll be a quick healer. It's all good."
"No medical kinks, huh?" Serena teased before she kissed him again for taking a second bite. She watched him with concern as he continued to bury himself in denial, but Serena didn't have the heart to drag him out of it kicking and screaming just yet. She set down the jello as she took his hand and gave it a soft squeeze. That didn't mean she wouldn't just poke around the edges. "There's nothing wrong with not being able to handle looking after yourself, and looking after Rick. Right now you really do just need to take it easy."
Chris reached under the covers and pressed a hand against his hip. He hated all these weird aches and pains he seemed to feel that he had no control over. Eating crap food was crap, but if he got over that bit, he could get rid of that damn tube and maybe have a bit more mobility. He really hated being stuck in a bed. He hated nurses prodding him and looking at him, talking about his bodily functions for all the world to see. He knew it was hypocritical, but he couldn't help it. "I can handle it. It's just this post-op part that sucks. I promised Rick I'd take care of him, and I will. It was... just a hitch in the road. I'm being a pain in the ass. I know. I'm sorry. I don't like being on this side of the playing field."
Serena touched his shoulder. "I know you don't, and I don't exactly like it either. It's not like there's much I can do to help, or to speed things up for you. And it sucks. Are you still in a lot of pain despite the oh so fabulous drugs? Maybe there's something they're missing... Have you been checked over lately or they just obsessing over the porridge? You'll still be able to look after Rick. Sometimes it just means hanging out with someone. Being there for them."
Chris nodded, and when he exhaled, it was tight and strained. "Yeah, there's pain. But it's the sort of pain they can't just keep plying me with drugs for. The wound hurts just because it's a dirty great wound, then my stomach hurts inside because it's not functioning properly yet. I know I need to eat. Then it hurts lower because I haven't been to the bathroom in over a week, and the body's response to things not operating properly is pain. So they're all yay porridge to try and get all that working again. Then I get the dietician. 'You know, Dr Deleo, that the nutritional benefits of fibre and gastrointestional absorption far outweigh the momentary distaste in your mouth. Perhaps they can put some honey in it for you?' Pfft," he added and waved his hand, before tucking his fingers around her wrist so he could put her hand to his mouth and kiss it. He rested his head back on the pillow and pulled his lips to the side. "I dunno... maybe I just figure once his kid comes along and he gets in deeper with Bella, he won't give a shit about me again."
"Maybe you should put some honey on it, and I hate to say it, but the dietician is right. Maybe the stuff is gross, but it's better than having the pain in your lower abdomen, isn't it? That's at least something that's fixable. There could be a whole toilet party. No boobs, just... good times. Think of the relief, of the fact that it's a step closer to getting home where I can be the nagging nurse," Serena told him softly as she watched Chris kiss her hand. She changed his grip so she could take his hand and link their fingers. "That's not true, Chris. You're all he can talk about sometimes."
Chris looked at her in disbelief, and then just started laughing, holding his side so it didn't hurt so much. "Toilet party? Are you serious? I suddenly feel like I'm three years old again when Mom took us to McDonalds the first time I managed to..." He waved his hand. "You know, in the potty. Oh man. This is the last time I give anyone a kidney," he joked, looking down at their joined hands. "Yeah, but that's only now when things are up the shit. I just get nervous. I'm not blaming him or anything anymore. I've stopped thinking he's gonna bail. But guess a couple of hundred times bitten, the whole shyness kicks in. Isn't that how the metaphor goes?"
Serena laughed as well, and offered him a shrug. "Hey, whatever works. I'll resist the urge to talk to you in baby talk though, you're safe from that. Just figured the reward system might work, but the boobs are a no go so apparently my next choice is a toilet party. I'm sure Proctor would have fun coming to one." Serena bit on her lip to let the laughter die down. "Yeah, that's how it goes. Still doesn't mean there isn't an exception to the rule. There's still the law of odds, or something. Eventually you get a different outcome. He's ready to be your big brother."
"Thank you. That is a fact I will be forever eternally grateful to you for. I had this chick who baby-talked to me in bed once. Fuck, only the biggest turn off in the entire world. I ended up telling her I had sphyllisis and getting the hell out of there as quick as I could. And just for the record? When I pee or whatever, I am so not going to be making a public announcement of it," Chris said with a snort of amusement. He glanced over at Rick's empty bed. "Yeah... I can see that. I'm still sure he doesn't know how the hell to pull it off, though. It's not like I need an instruction manual... is it? Am I that hard to be a big brother to?"
Serena frowned a little before she just started to laugh again. "What? Are you serious? Oh my god... No. Just no. Just like I the guy I was seeing that made me call him 'daddy'. Or tried to. I punched him in the face, and kneed him in the balls. No fucking way to I play that particular game. It's just... wrong. So, so wrong." She smiled a little before she shook her head. "No, of course not. But you have to understand that just like you get the shyness coming out, Rick gets the guilt. He still thinks that maybe he fucked up too much to be the brother you need."
"I'm serious. It was friggen awful. Casual sex isn't always a good thing. I've had some terrible experiences. Daddy? Fuck, that is so wrong on so many levels. How old did he think you were?" Chris could see the bowl of porridge sitting there with the cover over it, and he wondered how horrible it looked now it was probably congealed. "Any sort of brother is better than none, though," he reasoned quietly.
"How old did he want me to be might be more the point," Serena said as she stuck her tongue out briefly and shuddered. She glanced at the tray as well and arched her eyebrow questioningly. "Are you game? He'll get that. He's just scared. Same as you. Now that you're sharing a room at least you get to start on the bonding. Then you'll both be at home together."
Chris let out a rough sigh with a slight shake of his head. "Not really. How am I supposed to be sure I won't throw up as soon as that hits my tongue?" he asked skeptically. "Bonding? Like fart jokes and sex war stories?"
Serena shrugged. "No idea. There's still some jello left. Or... ah, I think it's yoghurt. Maybe. Wow, they really hate you, don't they?" She laughed a little before she kissed Chris' cheek. "Sure, and just talking. Being there. Even brothers have puke tests."
"What sort of yoghurt is it? Ah, that taco is but a mere distant memory. If I had known this was going to happen, I would have requested an eight course meal of junk food," Chris said with a slight hint of a sulk in his tone again. "I think I've seen him puke a hell of a lot more than he's seen me. If I was ever sick when I was younger, I hid it from him. Didn't think he would care. Don't get me wrong here, I am realising that this whole failed brother thing has been a two way street. I just got tired of trying to reach out to him. Want to hear something terrible? I don't know how to ask him to help me. If he was sitting here right now and I started hurling my guts up, it would be you I asked to help me, just by default. I want to get better with my hang ups."
Serena took the cover off again, and picked up the yoghurt. She sniffed it as she peered at it, and pulled her mouth to the side. "I think it's berry. It seems pink..." She held it out for Chris to inspect. "If I had known this was going to happen, I would have gotten you tortilla chips, and defiled more than just Bella's office. You'll get better with the hang ups, Chris. You both will. It's a learning curve for the two of you. It just takes time."
Chris looked into the bowl and pressed his lips together. "Okay, I'll eat that," he finally agreed reluctantly. It wasn't that it looked appealing, it just looked less disgusting than the porridge. He had to eat something, or they would end up peg feeding him, or worse, naso-gastric. He would rather stab himself in the eye with a scalpel than let that happen. He had already lost more weight than he was comfortable with. "He shaved his head, didn't he?"
Serena picked up the spoon and for a moment she wasn't sure if she was supposed to feed Chris, or not. So she just offered him the spoon and waited to see if he was willing to take it or not. She let out a quiet sigh of relief at the fact that he was willing to eat something. "Yes, he did. Bella did it for him. Just before the room change. He didn't tell you?"
After twisting his wrist awkwardly to untangle the IV tubes there, Chris managed to take the spoon to have some of the yoghurt. It was a process, and maybe some penny dropped in his head now why the grandma nurse had been there offering to feed him. With the wires from the heart monitor, the oxygen tube, and all the IVs, he was in an awkward situation. And hated it. "I wasn't really with it so much when I got back. I think I actually even laughed at my own hand at one point. Like I said, the drugs are pretty cool. Then lunch came, and I gave him the silent treatment about the spaghetti. Then Bella said he needed fresh air, so we didn't get much of a chance to talk yet. I could just see there was no hair at the nape of his neck when she wheeled him out."
Serena gently took the spoon back off of Chris so she could help him out, the battle with all the wires not lost on her. She hated seeing Chris getting so frustrated, but there really wasn't anything she could do other than feed him the yoghurt. "Just don't be in a hurry to need the drugs again any time soon, okay? I couldn't bear it. And I know it's not all about me, but you wouldn't need it either. He can't help it if he's ready for spaghetti. Cut him a little slack, Chris. It's good he's thriving with your kidney. I'm sorry, baby. When he comes back I'll make myself scarce so you two can talk, okay? I only know because I was talking to Bella when the room moves were on."
"I'm cutting him slack!" Chris suddenly snapped at her and then sunk back against the pillow with a frown. "I'm sorry. I'm not purposefully being a pain in the ass. I'm just having a tough time of it, alright? I'm gonna get annoyed and pissed off. I can't keep apologising for that. I figured actually giving him a kidney was a good amount slack-cutting."
"It's okay," Serena murmured even if she was avoiding his gaze a little in the wake of the snapping. "I just shouldn't have mentioned slack-cutting. Giving him your kidney was amazing, Chris. It really was. And I never said anything about you needing to not be a pain in the ass, or to apologise for having a tough time. I wasn't going to expect anything else."
Chris fell quiet as he continued to eat more of the yoghurt. He couldn't actually really taste much of it. He had a metallic chemical taste in his mouth from various medication. It would probably take a few days to actually get his taste back properly. "I just want to go home. I need to talk to the doctors, whoever the hell is actually my doctor right now. I want to be discharged at the soonest possible point I can be. No hanging around. Rehab to be done at home. It's not like I'm lacking medical professionals around me. I want to feel normal. I don't like feeling so angry."
Serena raised her eyebrows a little as she caught his gaze. "Have you stopped to consider why you are so angry? It might be a good idea to just let the anger out. There's a reason why you're feeling it. It's not like anger is always a side effect of medication. So you don't actually have a leading doctor on your case right now? Does Dave even know who to talk to?"
"I'm angry for a lot of reasons. It's like this whole thing has brought it all out. I just don't have the energy to do anything about it. I do. Sable's my official doctor, Aimee has been consulting. Then there are the transplant docs, plus I had an ICU attending." Before Chris had a chance to stop it, he actually burst into tears. "Dave doesn't think he can talk to me anymore. Tuck told me."
Serena set the yoghurt and the spoon down as soon as Chris burst into tears and she moved her chair closer so she could try and get her arms around him as she kissed his forehead. "Oh, baby. Baby, I'm so sorry... I think for Dave's it's all just a case of bad timing. There's not been much of a chance for him to talk to you. I really need to stop hogging you so he can have some BFF time."
Chris tried to stop the tears as quickly as they came, but it was an action way harder to reverse than it was to start. He didn't want Bella and Rick to walk in and catch him sobbing like a kid again. Rick would just think something was wrong all over. "No... he's not going to try anymore. He keeps getting hurt. I can't even remember times that he might have actually been trying to tell me things. My brain is like mush. I know the cancer thing, and I apologised for that, but what else? My own best mate doesn't want to talk to me about his own shit."
Serena rubbed her hand gently against his arm and just held him. It was breaking her own heart to see Chris cry so hard, but she had also been secretly hoping that he would cry at some point. She'd been worried that he'd bottled it all up, but she also understood that he wouldn't want to cry in front of her. Guys didn't like being seen as weak, whereas she was just more concerned about her boyfriend's wellbeing. "Do you want me to just call him now? He has to talk to you. You're still his best friend, right?"
"No, don't call him. Do I look like I'm in any condition to listen now? I got pissed off at my brother's lunch. I'm not. I can't do anything. I'm just terrified of what he needs to talk to me about. What if he's sick again? He would tell me that, right?" Chris made a noise of frustration as he tried to wipe the tears away, but they just kept coming. This must be what pregnancy felt like. Thank god he was a male.
Serena looked down at Chris as she brushed the tears from his cheeks. "Have you maybe considered that he just wants to be able to talk to his best friend? That it's not actually about anything?"
"It's something. He has never said anything like this before, but I've hardly had much time for him, have I? But he just steps right in as my med proxy without even batting an eyelid. I wasn't there for him when he had cancer, yet he has always been there for me, through all my shit. I've screwed up, and I don't know how to fix it," Chris admitted helpessly. "Just one other thing to be angry at. When he comes here, he just keeps it to small talk. He cuts me off when I try to talk to him, but then, I think he was trying to talk to me when my stitches burst. I can't clearly remember, I just know he was there. I'm so glad he was there."
"So tell him that, Chris." Serena pulled back a little as she brushed her fingers through his hair and over his cheek, keeping up with the comforting touches as the crying started to ease. It really was something to see Dr C so upset, but it also showed just how serious this all was. "He would tell you if he was sick again, just like he'd tell you about any serious changes, but if it was when your stitches burst it's no wonder he's given up trying to talk to you. He probably figures there's never going to be a good moment, so why try? Maybe I'll just talk to Aimee instead. See if I can gage whether Dave will ever come back. And if she bought him a pink shirt. He cares about you, okay? He's not going to just disappear."
"It wasn't a girly pink," Chris added again in his friend's defence. Now he sounded like he had porridge stuck up his nose, and his eyes were all red and puffy. "I am never going to be sexy again. I'm not. Look at me. I'm less attractive than toe fungus. I've scared my best friend away, I gave my brother the silent treatment over spaghetti. I can't have sex. I can't have sex."
Serena bit back a grin as she looked at him and tried to keep her expression serious. "You'll be sexy again, baby. And you'll have sex again. You just need to start eating and you need to go to the toilet and they'll get the tube out and your body will heal. I'm not going anywhere, so as soon as you can have sex I'll be right here ready and willing. I don't love you any less even if you are all teary and clogged up."
"Kathy gave me grapes. When I was on NBM. You're right. She's thick," Chris had to throw in and then rested his head on the pillow with a sigh. He touched her arm again, looking down at his fingers brushing her skin as he was quiet in thought for a few moments. "I love you. I'm sorry everything has been so crappy."
Serena rolled her eyes at finding out Kathy had given him grapes. "I did try and warn you..." Her eyes closed briefly at the touch and she smiled softly before kissing his forehead. "Don't apologise, okay? We're fine. I'm fine. Well, I am now I know you'll be okay."
Chris's forehead creased a little, the expression on his face shifting. She had more optimism in his prognosis than he did, but maybe that was part of her job? He didn't have the emotional capacity to see through it all on his own. He looked over at Rick's bed again, wondering if it was the same for Rick, but he just really wasn't sure what was going on between him and Bella at all. "When I get out of here, I want to go to the beach," he told her, even if had nothing to do with what they were talking about. "Promise me we can go to the beach."
"I'll even wear a bikini top," Serena replied as she brushed her fingers over his facial hair. She wasn't so quick to forget the last thing that she'd promised Chris. She'd promised him he'd be okay in the operation when he'd asked, and she'd had to stand there and watch his heart stop beating. It took her a moment to find her voice again before she gave a nod. "I promise we'll go to the beach."
Chris nodded, satisfied. It gave him a bit of hope, even if it was just in passing. He figured he would know he was fine if he could feel the sand between his toes again. He gave the tray a small nudge. "I've had enough. Will you lie with me? We can watch some cheesy daytime TV and make fun of the hairstyles."
Serena made sure the tray was secure on the little table before she pushed it away so she could climb into bed with Chris, and stretch out next to him without tangling up any of his wires. She linked her fingers with his again as she rest her head on his shoulder. She would do anything with Chris if it made him feel better. No matter how much the doctor in her wanted to push him to keep trying to eat. And no matter how much she just wanted him home.
Word Count | 5,192