RP LOG with cutandlearn | Alone time

[geniuscowboy]

Chris only realised he must have passed out again when he was once again waking up disoriented. It wasn't as bad this time, though. The pain was still there, but it had eased, and things weren't quite as hazy as they had been. In fact, despite having a recollection of waking before and knowing Serena had been there along with Rick and his Mom, it was foggy at best. Chris had been injured in the past, but it was nothing like this. This was the first time he had experienced surgery and apparently it had all gone wrong. He might even be a surgeon, but being on the flipside here really sucked and he would have a whole new appreciation for his patients now... if he was ever allowed to go back to work.

He woke slowly, needing to take some time to actually work on getting his eyes open. They felt so heavy, like they just wouldn't have the capacity to stay open ever again. He was also highly aware that this wasn't his own bed. It was too narrow and too scratchy, the pillow to was too hard and he didn't have the luxury of sprawling out on his belly, which was generally the favoured way he slept. Serena had just adjusted to that. It only took a few nights sharing a bed with him for her to realise that no matter how many times she tried to shift him onto his side to comfortably spoon him, he would always end up back on his gut at some point during the night, so she found a way to just fit that. Wetting his lips slowly and swallowing, he finally managed to drag his eyes open at least part of the way and he found Serena sitting there at the bedside watching him. Smiling was a lot easier this time, even if it was groggy. He was more with it this time, not caught up in a confused, terrified panic of just coming out of a coma. He was actually feeling quite chilled, and realised it must be some awesome drugs they had him on. "Hey, babe..." he greeted her huskily and curled his hand over so he could touch her fingers. "Y'still here."


Serena had been curled up in the chair by Chris' bedside just watching him. She couldn't bring herself to leave him even if Carla and Rick probably needed a turn with him. She didn't know when she'd gotten so greedy but she supposed the thought of losing Chris just made her want to get as much time with him as possible. She tilted her head as she gave him a smile and tucked her fingers a bit more snugly around Chris'. "Hey you... Where else am I gonna be? Your mom's probably sick of sharing you with an outsider. How are you feeling? Still in pain?"

Chris gave a small laugh and looked up at the IV line. "S'all good, baby... Got the morph on tap, it seems. Can't beat that, huh?" he joked and rested his cheek against the corner of the pillow, taking another couple of moments to let his eyes close again. But he opened them again, and gave her fingers a weak squeeze in acknowledgement. "Pretty full on. Think I can sign this off as research points and get more cash from the training budget? First hand experience and all that..." He fell quiet for a moment, though, looking at her with less jest in his tired eyes now. "You been home at all?"

"A few hours the other day," Serena admitted quietly. "I was hoping you wouldn't ask. Drew's already been on my back, but I can't help it. I needed to be here. I had to make sure you'd wake up. I was so fucking scared." Serena's voice cracked and she rest her forehead on her knees briefly to try and gather herself before she burst into tears. Emotions always seemed to be more intense when you were tired. It was harder to fight them off and be rational. "Don't enjoy that morphine too much, huh? They might be wondering about the quality of your research."

Chris gave a snort of a laugh, realising he might be just a tiny bit high, but at least it meant he could think clearer than he had been. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time he was actually high, so it was a novelty. Probably some college party years ago. "Just for the record, the defib burns hurt. There we are all thinking it's a small price to pay the whole heartbeating thing, but shit hey..." He lethargically pointed at his chest. "Hope you like scars, babe. Hey, don't cry... please, don't cry. Not even a bit. Just... tell me something funny."

Serena let out a choked laugh as she raised her free hand to brush her fingers against her eyes. "I love scars. So sexy... Um, funny? I can't even... I guess... um... Well, I yelled at your mom. I didn't realise it was her and I just totally went mental."

Chris gave his own strained laugh before he looked at her with a hint of disbelief. "That's only 'bout half funny, because I know she probably woulda bitched you out right back, and she has a scary Mom Voice." He was pulling a little at the front of his gown again, though with no panic or fright that he had when he initially woke up. "I want to see. I need to see what they did. Can you help me see? Why were you yelling at Mom? Fuck... I should have told her that day. I should have."

Serena sniffed as she smirked a little. "Well, yeah, she does. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. It was so awful. I couldn't believe it was your mom! She walked into me when I was on the way to see you again, and I just snapped. She didn't deserve it, but to find out it was your mom... Holy crap. I thought I was done for." Serena unfolded from her position and stood up to pull the covers back from Chris so the gown could get taken off. She brushed her fingers through his hair before she reached around the back of his neck to loosen the tie. "It's easy to think about what we should've done. Hindsight's perfect, remember?"

"It took her a lot to learn not to take shit..." Chris murmured. He wasn't able to do much to help Serena get the gown down. Moving too much hurt and he just didn't have the strength. It was making him realise just how weak he was, and how reliant he was going to have to be on people. That was never something he was a fan of. He wondered if he should apologise in advance for being a prick, because he was going to get frustrated and angry. He was going to struggle with this. It was never in his plan to be out of action for too long. How long was even a query he was scared to ask about. "I couldn't go. I couldn't. I convinced myself it should have been Rick, but... I can't handle seeing her cry. There's a reason I suck at dealing with upset family members of patients. But if she knew, she wouldn't have had to find out like this."

"I called her. Me and Drew. I just had to. I was talking to him while I was going crazy waiting to hear if you were okay, and we just used your phone to call her and get her here. She couldn't not know. She couldn't not be here." Serena's lip wobbled as she thought about what might have happened if Chris had died, or if something had gone wrong with Rick and their mom hadn't been there. She tugged down the gown and eased out Chris' arms as best she could without tangling the IV line, and hopefully without hurting him. "She's an amazing woman. I'm just in awe of her, and I hate your dad even more for being so mean to someone like that. And to you. I just can't even fathom it. I wanna just hurt him so much."

Chris made a soft sound like a helpless, tiny moan. "No... no... the lip thing. Please, don't cry, babe. I'll be fine. I assume I'll be anyway. I might not be so pleasant in getting to that point..." His face darkened a little. "He wasn't mean, he was a fucking evil cunt," he said bluntly and harshly, having absolutely no apologies for using the horrible language. The cool air of the ward hit his bare chest and he looked down to all the pads on his chest for the heart monitors, and beyond that, large dressing covering the operation incision. It was full on and more than confronting. Despite his begging her not to cry, he soon welled up himself just from the enormity of seeing it all on himself, his own body. "Jesus," he mumbled.

"Don't cry, baby," Serena murmured as she touched his face. "It's okay. You are okay. Scars, or not, you're okay. It just wasn't the okay I promised you it would be." She kissed him softly before sitting back to just let Chris take it in. The harsh language had made her wince, but she understood it. She was also grateful to have the parents she did. As much as she knew it would probably bring her parents to Miami she'd called Mom and Dad the night before to just tell them everything. Drew had been right there with her and held her while she fell apart and still tried to explain everything to them in Crying Girl Speak. Serena took a deep breath. "Hey, you forget I've already faced you sick. I know what to expect."

Chris didn't usually indulge in harsh language. It was something he forced himself to shake when he started at med school. Sure, he was still a guy and when he was hanging out, the f word came out like it did with most guys, but anything worse, he rarely touched. Except in reference to his father. He was aware now that with the presence of his mom in Miami that things of his past he hadn't spoken about to Serena were probably going to come to the forefront. He cleared his throat, trying to reign in his emotions. "I'm sorry I haven't spoken to you much about my family..." he told her quietly and started to slowly and awkwardly peel at the dressing. He needed to see how far they had gone in, it would give him an idea how serious the whole thing had been. "I don't speak about it much to anyone anymore, and I'm sorry if you've subsequently heard things that I didn't let you in on. I would have spoken about it eventually. I would have introduced you to my Mom in a more pleasant manner, too. I would never have chosen it to all happen like this. Not you."

Serena rest her fingers lightly on Chris' arm as she watched him peel away the dressing. "Don't apologise. I get it. It's not really someone, or something you want to talk about, is it? It's okay. I know you would have talked to me about it when you wanted to. Have I ever tried to push you into talking to it? Your mom spoke to me a little about it, and really I can't blame you for not wanting to talk about it anymore. And I know you would have introduced me to your mom differently if it was possible. At least it's done now, right? I've even left a snotty, blubbery mess on her shirt. I'll be okay. I still love you."

Chris gave his head a small shake. "Nope... not really. I never really know what to say. Having it all in my head is bad enough. I try not to project at work as much as I can, but hysterical women and drunk bastards just get right into pieces of me that are still quite raw underneath it all." It was times like this he really wished he wasn't hairy, but he was. It was just blond and not easily seen unless you got close. He also tended to wax his chest because he surfed and it hurt like a bitch getting the wetsuit on and off. The rubber ripped the hair out by the roots sometimes. But he hadn't stopped to think about the whole wax thing recently and he hissed, sucking in a small breath as he peeled the dressing away. "Fucking bitch of a bastard..." he cursed softly. "It's not right, no. I wanted to do it all right."

Serena gave his arm a soft squeeze. She was hardly going to take over for him. She knew just as well as he did what it was like to be waxed and to have it hurt. Serena was guilty of getting her legs waxed just because she didn't have time to shave when she was working. It was easier to squeeze in an appointment for torture than to try and shave her legs once a week. "It's gotta be hard to not let it get to you. There's always going to be something to tug at your sensitive spots. Just like me and the claustrophobia. But I know that's not because of an abusive father." Serena couldn't help but touch a bit of Chris' chest hair and smiled a little. "I feel like purring when I touch your hairy chest. You can still do it all right, baby. We still have plenty of firsts left."

"I'm sure if I had the capacity to get turned on right now, I would be doing it," Chris offered, gritting his teeth a little as he worked on the next corner of the large dressing. Bastards could have been a little more considerate with all the tape. He was probably going to get in the shit for taking it off anyway, but screw it. Better he yelled at a faceless doctor than a family member anyway. "I would even let you tug at my sensitive spots if they weren't hurting just as much as the rest of me." He had to actually stop and rest, breathless even just from the small exertion of trying to peel the dressing back. He closed his eyes momentarily and wet his lips. "I feel so shitty, it's not even funny. The only reason I hadn't told her about you was because I wanted to wait until it was out in the open and we had the green light." He went back to the dressing and got it off this time, even if it was still stuck on one corner down near his hip. He looked at the large incision and all the neat sutures. There were even some surgical staples on the lower part of his torso. It started neatly up near the side of his torso just above his hip, where the original nephrectomy incision would have been to remove the kidney, and veered more harshly upwards across his stomach to end above his bellybutton, obviously where they opened him further to making the aortic repairs. "Oh... hell."

"Just means we got plenty to make up for when you're sensitive spots are up to it. I'm hardly going to take advantage of you right now. I don't want to do more damage." Serena sucked in a breath of her own at seeing the scar. She hadn't actually witnessed what was under his dressing before now. She'd just had her imagination to feed her images of what it might look like. All she knew was that she was more than grateful that as big as the scar was it meant that Chris was still breathing, he was alive. Even the burn scars from the defibrillator meant his heart had started beating again. She slipped her hand around his and leaned forward to kiss Chris' shoulder before she rest her forehead against it. "I'm just glad you're okay. Even if you feel shitty... I just wish I could fix it all for you."

Looking at it actually made Chris feel nauseated. He had never been squeamish about medical things in his life, but it was a whole other ball game seeing it on yourself. No wonder he was in so much pain. Half his torso had been cut open, it was going to take more than the anticipated few days in hospital to recover from this. Potentially, there could even be lasting effects, but he didn't want to think about that right now. What he wanted to do was sit there, feel sorry for himself, and cry. Extremely out of character for him, but it was a lot to take in. He was quiet for a long few moments, just staring at the stitched up surgical wounds. "Ever just wanted to crawl into a hole and sit there for a very long time?" he mumbled and then turned his head away from looking at it. He glanced up at the monitors behind his head and he could see that his blood pressure was still low and it was the first time he realised he was actually on a slow release transfusion. His body had probably gone into a shock with the blood loss. He really did nearly check out, with all the fear he had of Rick being the one to do that. "I just wish I could go home."

Serena lifted her head up as she looked at Chris, and then down at the surgical wound again. She swallowed thickly before she started to try and get the dressing back into place. "Yeah, definitely. Maybe not as much as you right now, but I've had some close moments. Screaming at your mom was definitely one of them. I know want to go home, baby. I know. You'll be able to go home soon. Just not as soon as you wanted." Serena kissed his chest after smoothing the dressing down carefully and bit her lip. "I'm sorry about everything."

Chris knew that optimism was probably the best course right now. He could always tap into it with his patients, but this whole thing felt like it was screwing with his head. With the dressing back over the wound, he rested his hand lightly on it analysing how it actually felt rather than to just look at it. It was sore, and there was a sense a part of him was missing. That was something the transplant people had warned him of, though. There would be some psychological adjustments as well as physical. "Don't apologise. How is any of this your fault?" he asked her quietly.

"I told you it would be okay! It wasn't okay. It was so not okay. Your heart stopped." Serena's fingers toyed with the edge of Chris' bed sheet and she took a deep breath as she tried to stop her bottom lip from trembling again. "But Bella's optimistic about Rick's recovery. She's happy with how he's coping with the transplant. It seems to be taking. Plus he's off the catheter and feeling better. It's good. That part was okay... It worked. He's, um... He'll take over looking after you when I have to come back to work."

"I asked you to tell me," Chris clarified weakly. He cleared his throat softly. "He's losing his hair. I might not have noticed much when I woke up, but that was one of them. I dunno why I thought he wouldn't lose it. I guess part of me wanted to believe he wouldn't suffer the whole thing. Maybe if he didn't lose his hair, he wouldn't have cancer. I know that sounds stupid, but I'm drugged up to my eyeballs and I probably haven't thought rationally in weeks. How is he supposed to take care of me when he's ill himself? He should be thinking about him getting better, not me."

Serena nodded and took his hand again as she cupped it with both of hers. "I know, but I should have argued more. I should've known... You'll be okay. It'll get better, and you'll be home. And if you ever do that to me again, I'm gonna kick your ass so hard. And there'll be no sex for six months," she told him, her tone serious enough to make it unclear at first if she was joking or not. "You're having fun being drugged up to the eyeballs and using it as an excuse to say whatever you want. It's scary to see him up to the losing hair stage, but he is. I think taking care of you is what's going to help him get better. Trust me on that, okay?"

"I'll make a mental note to not stick scalpels into my vital organs any time in the near future," Chris replied with a tiny smirk. "Is it any fucking wonder surgeons don't like being operated on themselves? I was absolutely shitting myself. I'm surprised it wasn't literally. A major surgery knowing every single risk in the book? I need you to look and see I don't have any grey pubes, because I have never been more stressed in my life. I just didn't want to freak everyone out around me, even if I was still managing to do a good job flying off the deep end left and right. "Hey, don't joke about that. I might not be able to get it up yet. We need to wait and see. And that's no excuse. I have some seriously freakish shit going through my head right now. It's worse than pink elephants in tutus. I don't know what to say to him about the hair thing. I don't want to comment on it if he doesn't want to talk about it. It's not like I'm looking much better anyway."

Serena smiled a little as she tugged his gown down even more. "Well, since you're practically naked anyway there's no harm in looking. Besides, I need to check out your equipment again. It's been a while since I've seen it. Not since that little encounter in Bella's office. Good times, huh? Doctors are always terrible patients. We know all the risks, we know everything that could go wrong and how it could go wrong and what the effects of it all going wrong is. We're trained not to always be optimistic because there are too many things that could just--" she made a noise of an explosion, "--so it does suck. I'm definitely not denying it, but you went ahead and you got on that table anyway. You saved your brother, Chris. And if he's losing his hair... It's still better than losing his life."

"Is it even still there? I can't feel it. It's weird having no urges to pee," Chris realised, still trying to analyse the post-op sensations he wasn't used to. The general bodily functions seemed to be all screwed up, controlled by tubes or medications. No wonder his brain was all over the place. "Yeah, but... has anything been said about the cancer? Nothing has been said to me. Not that anyone is about to spout medical facts at me when I'm practically trying to strip in a blind panic. It's the weirdest feeling. I feel stoned, without the happy feeling."

Serena gave a nod as she gave his penis a gentle pat. She was more than aware the catheter was inserted and wasn't about to go messing with it. "Definitely still there, baby. And no grey hairs as far as I can see. Bella said there's been no signs of the tumours. He seems to be clear, but she hasn't wanted to declare him clean for obvious reasons. She'll keep going with the chemo to make sure it's gone. Do you want me to get the gown back on? Don't need you scaring the nurses, or giving them far too much to fantasise about. I don't have to share you anymore."

"Oh yeah. Hot stuff that. Cath tube in my penis and dirty great gash complete with staples in my gut. Mmhmm. That's what porn fantasies are made of. They'll be lining up to give me prostate exams, bet," Chris threw back. He was half joking by his tone, but the other half of him couldn't help feeling a little bitter. The first chance he had to think that sex was well off the menu. His idea of pleasure right now was wearing his own pyjamas. It was a sad, sad day for the infamous Dr C. "How has Rick been? I mean really. How has he been? Has he said? Has anyone said. Or are you just sugar-coating so I don't worry?"

"You're still hot to me," Serena told him quietly. "But sex is definitely off the menu right now. And at least this way I don't have to kill all the nurses on this floor. Are you gonna be okay? I'm not sugar-coating. I haven't really spoken to him, but Bella's been with him. So's your mom, obviously. I think it's been hard on him knowing that the operation was because of him, and that you were hurting because of him."

Chris let out a small sigh, a troubled frown on his face. "I don't feel so hot. This is probably the worst I've ever felt in my life, actually. I guess having your heart stop does that. It's screwed up. You never think you're going to be on the other side yourself, you know? It's all about the patient and pulling them back from the brink. You just never think you'll be there yourself. Finding out you have been... I dunno. Maybe I would feel more Proctor-esque and metaphorical about the near death experience if I actually didn't feel so crap." He put his hand up and gave his eyes a small rub. "Maybe it's Karma. He's been running away for so long, always landing on his feet, no matter how much the going got tough. I'm probably just jinxed."

Serena gave his hand a squeeze. "You're not jinxed, Chris. There's been good things happening. Hasn't there been good things happening? I'm a good thing... Us getting the green light is a good thing. I'm pretty sure your mom coming is a good thing even though she's been talking like she'll get in the way if she sticks around. I tried to ask her to stay at your place, but she insisted on a motel and only staying until you woke up. I just feel like maybe it's time you had your family around you, but I know it's probably just stupid optimism. Hopefully this was just the last bad thing to happen."

"That's our fault... my fault. Don't get me wrong. I keep in touch with her, but after everything with my father and the house, I had to distance myself from Wimico. It was just all bad memories, and the more time I let pass, the more easier it got to not go back so much. Work made it easy to stay busy and before I knew it, a lot of time had passed. Years, even. I can't even explain why I went back there before the surgery. It was like I was clutching at some sort of very distant past memory that might give me a reason to risk my life to save Rick's, but it didn't. When I got there, it just felt sad. The whole place. Sad, small and wet. It was raining. I was there all of twenty minutes before I got back int he car to come home again. Rick was never there for me when things got bad... when things hurt. That's why I came back terrified about actually putting my life on the line for him. Deep down I knew I should have, but for the first time in a long time, I wanted to not be left picking up the pieces." Chris gave a small, wry laugh as his eyes filled with tears again. "Best laid plans, huh? I know he didn't mean it this time, and it's not his fault in any way, but this right here? Story of my life."

"You know it's not you that will be picking up the pieces, right?" Serena brushed her fingers through his hair as she held his gaze and moved in a little closer. "You're not alone anymore. Even if your mom doesn't stick around, I'm here. I'll always be here. I'll help you pick up the pieces. I also really think that Rick's going to be here. He'll stick around. He has you, he has the baby. He's going to be a father... He's going to learn what it means to have responsibility. He'll be the big brother, and he'll be a father. Maybe you went back there because you also needed your mom but you didn't know how to ask. She really loves her boys. She loves you. She just wants to be a part of your life."

Chris rested his cheek against the pillow as he just let the slow, silent tears come. He didn't know why it felt like a depression was setting in, but it was just a lot to process. Better this than screaming hysterically at people. He took her other hand softly. "I'm glad you're here," he told her. "Ironic, all the times I have busted ass to get family members to patients when they need them, but my own family is so messed up, I can't even seem to pull it off. Not ironic, hypocritical. It's always easier to fix everyone else than it is yourself. Everything just feels like it hurts so damn much. Physically, mentally. I've been asleep for days, but I feel more exhausted than I would after a forty hour shift. Everyone around me looks exhausted and miserable too. I'm just... I'm tired, babe. I've had enough of the bullshit."

Serena kissed his temple softly. "Do you want me to get your mom? I can get Rick too, if you want. They'll be wanting their turn with you, too. And I really should get home and have a shower. Change my clothes... There was a desperate moment when I infiltrated MT1 to get a shower down in the changerooms. Getting past Tuck was interesting. I was sure he was super close to tossing me over his shoulder and carrying me outta there. Drew was distracted by Lisa at the time. I think maybe there's something there, but I'm not really sure. She's cute. And nice. You should close your eyes if you need to. Do whatever you need to."

Chris held up his hand. "No, don't. I can't handle the notion of your brother with Dave's sister. Dave is gonna tear him a new one. Just saying. Don't buy the caring sensitive guy routine. He is Brotherzilla when it comes to his sisters." He sighed weakly and touched the side of his torso when it started to really hurt again. "I should talk to Rick."

Serena looked down to find the buzzer on the bed control. "Do you need the nurse? Are you okay?" her voice rose a little in panic, but she managed not to jump out of her seat to try and examine him. It was just as hard for doctors to remember how to remain the impartial loved one and let someone else be in charge. "Okay, okay. No talk of Drew and Lisa. Want me to get Rick?"

"It just really, really hurts... Don't worry, it's okay. You saw it, it's impossible to be pain-free. It's just a lot to try and get used to. It's the first I've really been aware of it." Chris swallowed and wet his lips, letting his eyes close for a few moments. "Only if you're sick of me. I might need something from the nurse. I'm feeling a little sick. Where is Rick? I don't even know where I am."

Serena hit the buzzer without hesitating and went back to stroking her fingers through Chris' hair to try and soothe him. "I know, baby. I know. Just try and take it easy. You just really need your rest right now. And I'm not sick of you. How could I be sick of you? I'll stick around a little longer before I try and find him. I don't even know what time it is. He's in a different part of the ICU. You've been kept under isolation just in case. He's also going to be getting shipped back to Oncology soon."

Chris gave a small nod and hummed softly in confirmation. The frown was firmly set in his forehead now as the pain set in and he found the small button for the morphine pump to give himself another dose of it. "I might just try and get some sleep for a bit. But can you just tell him to come when he can? Or whenever he's allowed. I know he's probably on a level of how much he can move around. I don't really know what to say to him, but we gotta talk."

"Of course I can, baby. Just rest, okay? You're safe... I'm here." Serena kissed his cheek as she pulled his gown back up to cover him and also readjusted the bed covers. "I love you, Chris."

Chris opened his eyes a little again to give her a small smile. "Yeah, I love you too. I know you've been there the whole time. Don't think I haven't realised that."

Serena rubbed his hand as she got herself back into position in the chair with her knees tucked up against her chest. "And I'll keep being here. I told you I wasn't going anywhere. They really did have to drag me kicking and screaming from you."

Chris' eyes fell closed again when they got too heavy to sustain. The drugs were kicking in again and hopefully they knocked him out for awhile. "Still... go home, get some rest... even just for a lil while. M'not really goin' anywhere right now..." he added and it was all he could managed before he was out again.

Word Count | 5,735