(no subject)
My head is clouded with stuff, you know, the stuff of routine that gives flesh to the bones we discuss- we've got school, we've got identified problems, we've got boys and girls and Christmas and papers... but they don't give much voice to the nuances of existence.
i am being blown away and shattered into the infinite nature of my beeing and I'm not sure how to respond to myself. think i heart huckabees, only real-time.
i think I'm a pretty refelctive person; i think you have to be if you want to live your life with pupose, and that is something that i really want to do. but i've been thinking... I think I see so much big picture that I neglect the here and now. i'm so focused on goals and the impact i want to have on the earth or on the community etc etc and whatnot... and this is eclipsing some of the joy of the present.
this morning i went out for breakfast with al and ro. this is only notable because when i agreed to go they both perked up and looked at me in surprise- see, they always go but i always turn it down in favour of working or a meeting or some other item that has snuck its way into my agenda. and i live my life through my agenda and they know that. i think i often make them feel like they're subordinate to the agenda since their relationship with me doesn't fit neatly into the confines of the lines and margins of that book. and to an extent, they're right. I don't give them the importance that I should- I'm not home enough, I'm always busy, I schedule everything, and anything impromptu I do (which is still alot) happens on a whim during one of my 18 hour absences from the house... sure I have six things to do that day, but when they're scattered between 9 am and 11pm I have a lot of broken up time that I usually use to meet up with other people, or explore something, or work, or call a friend... or write ....
at the end of the day, I haven't been there. and I want to be. and I feel, like really feel it, that I haven't been there. my relationship with alex especially has deteriorated beyond all recognition. the warmth of last year is gone, replaced sometimes with this weird hostility... and we've talked about it and I thought things would be better but the truth is we're just so far apart and talking about it again just feels like it would solidify our distance and make it worse and insurmountable. with rosa, things are good... now excellent, yesterday excellent, the day before good, the day before decent, the day before excellent... it fluctuates. It's like when al and i lived in the same room it was impossibel not to be privy to every thought and feeling that crossed the mind or heart of the other person. I practically even knew what her liver was thinking. now, we're in the same house which creates the responsibility to still keep up with the daily nuances - but somehow it just doesn't happen the same way.
she thinks its me and i think its both of us. logic thus deduces that its mostly me. but I don't know. I'm even willing to acceopt that and try to remedy things on that premise- and have- but I find that I always end up asking "what's up?" "how are you?" "what are you thinking"- I'm the annoying broekn record of 'penny for your thoughts.' (only I don't sink to use of the expression).
i think i still spit out all the substantive stuff that is going on in my life, but she doesn't. and that's not a result of a shortage of things happenning in her life; its just her evaluation of what gets said and what doesn't. and thats fine- but its just so different from last year.
sometimes i feel so akward or left out when I'm with them. like al and ro have this fun, humorous relationship that I cant access because I'mtoo serious and busy and blahh.
you know that feeling you get when you're about to write to someone you haven't seen in forever and you've put it off so many timnes that its too intimidating to approach? thats the feeling i so often get when I'm with them. like i missed something and need to compensate for it. when I'm with adam things are so natural. grnated, that relationship is less a 'family' relationship that the one with the girls, and requires less nurturing because we both get fun and good company and explore our similarities through it.. being with adam is what makes me miss you most- or rather, feels most like being with you, so it makes me happy and fondly think about what it would be like if you were here. when I'm with al and ro, its like family becauae they're very different people (from each other, from me), that we don't automatically align or fall into stride with the thoughts of the other- does that make sense?
with adam we talk about IDS, travel, africa, the environent, cooking, funny music, eating, exploring, the boys we like in common (!) etc etc etc... with al and ro, I can share a memory about kenya but social issues and the environemnt are not what rosa cares about- so we talk about politics (i like) and stuff.... music i fail in their minds because they are music SNOBS ( said affectionately, almost) and hate everything that I play... I just don't bat in their league. blah blah blah basically the priorities we have are just different. I don't know.
it's like they humour my discussion about stuff that matters to me and they humour my nerdy jokes, but really i think they do think I'm lofty and removed. it's like I can't help being irrelevant to them. and besides, so often i get sick of hearing myself talk about something that doesn;t matter to anyone but me so I just shut up.
I'm digressing. basically, I think I'm so focused on big picture ideas that I neglect the little nuances of daily stuff- like just making time to sit down in the family room before I head to my room to work/sleep.
so I have spent more time here, and more time doing 'unproductive' things, and now that dave and I are broken up, i spend more time here too. granted, I've also stopped going to the gym because I feel guilty going and squeezing it in instead of "squeezing in" waking hours at home.
but even still... ahhh...
so at breakfast today rosa made acomment taht the best friendships that last are the ones that just click and work and then the ones that force you to figure out the other person and appreciate them- or something like that. the first is like my feidnship with you- I think we sort of just 'get' each other - sure, we think the other person is nuts/irrational/silly but at least, we know where they are at. with ro and al I am increasingly feeling like Im on a quest to know how they;re doing, like were so different we need to identify whats going on and what they're thinking because we just dont get it. if meg or julia walked through that door right now, in 2 minutes we would probably have a better feel of where our heartstrings are being pulled , than al-ro-me know about each other. thats not entirely true, but the desperation of the stattenment at least gives some clue as to how I feel.
I wonder if its just too much pressure to live with your best friends? but I feel like if I lived with you we would be on the same page- always going going going and then cooking good fun meals in between and going going oign. with al, she is so cavalier with her time that I cant be hanging out as much as she is. I don't say that to discredit her, its just that school is less of a priority than it is to me, and she does a much better job keeping up with friends. actually, thats not even true because the friends that I have are awesome and things are really good with them, and I constantly branch out and meet new people. and both of them keep friends in the same big social group- and I don;t relate as much to that big group and onstead see friends outside of it as much and as ofen as those within. So i lose that in common. blah.
I don't know what to do, what to think, how to respond.
i am being blown away and shattered into the infinite nature of my beeing and I'm not sure how to respond to myself. think i heart huckabees, only real-time.
i think I'm a pretty refelctive person; i think you have to be if you want to live your life with pupose, and that is something that i really want to do. but i've been thinking... I think I see so much big picture that I neglect the here and now. i'm so focused on goals and the impact i want to have on the earth or on the community etc etc and whatnot... and this is eclipsing some of the joy of the present.
this morning i went out for breakfast with al and ro. this is only notable because when i agreed to go they both perked up and looked at me in surprise- see, they always go but i always turn it down in favour of working or a meeting or some other item that has snuck its way into my agenda. and i live my life through my agenda and they know that. i think i often make them feel like they're subordinate to the agenda since their relationship with me doesn't fit neatly into the confines of the lines and margins of that book. and to an extent, they're right. I don't give them the importance that I should- I'm not home enough, I'm always busy, I schedule everything, and anything impromptu I do (which is still alot) happens on a whim during one of my 18 hour absences from the house... sure I have six things to do that day, but when they're scattered between 9 am and 11pm I have a lot of broken up time that I usually use to meet up with other people, or explore something, or work, or call a friend... or write ....
at the end of the day, I haven't been there. and I want to be. and I feel, like really feel it, that I haven't been there. my relationship with alex especially has deteriorated beyond all recognition. the warmth of last year is gone, replaced sometimes with this weird hostility... and we've talked about it and I thought things would be better but the truth is we're just so far apart and talking about it again just feels like it would solidify our distance and make it worse and insurmountable. with rosa, things are good... now excellent, yesterday excellent, the day before good, the day before decent, the day before excellent... it fluctuates. It's like when al and i lived in the same room it was impossibel not to be privy to every thought and feeling that crossed the mind or heart of the other person. I practically even knew what her liver was thinking. now, we're in the same house which creates the responsibility to still keep up with the daily nuances - but somehow it just doesn't happen the same way.
she thinks its me and i think its both of us. logic thus deduces that its mostly me. but I don't know. I'm even willing to acceopt that and try to remedy things on that premise- and have- but I find that I always end up asking "what's up?" "how are you?" "what are you thinking"- I'm the annoying broekn record of 'penny for your thoughts.' (only I don't sink to use of the expression).
i think i still spit out all the substantive stuff that is going on in my life, but she doesn't. and that's not a result of a shortage of things happenning in her life; its just her evaluation of what gets said and what doesn't. and thats fine- but its just so different from last year.
sometimes i feel so akward or left out when I'm with them. like al and ro have this fun, humorous relationship that I cant access because I'mtoo serious and busy and blahh.
you know that feeling you get when you're about to write to someone you haven't seen in forever and you've put it off so many timnes that its too intimidating to approach? thats the feeling i so often get when I'm with them. like i missed something and need to compensate for it. when I'm with adam things are so natural. grnated, that relationship is less a 'family' relationship that the one with the girls, and requires less nurturing because we both get fun and good company and explore our similarities through it.. being with adam is what makes me miss you most- or rather, feels most like being with you, so it makes me happy and fondly think about what it would be like if you were here. when I'm with al and ro, its like family becauae they're very different people (from each other, from me), that we don't automatically align or fall into stride with the thoughts of the other- does that make sense?
with adam we talk about IDS, travel, africa, the environent, cooking, funny music, eating, exploring, the boys we like in common (!) etc etc etc... with al and ro, I can share a memory about kenya but social issues and the environemnt are not what rosa cares about- so we talk about politics (i like) and stuff.... music i fail in their minds because they are music SNOBS ( said affectionately, almost) and hate everything that I play... I just don't bat in their league. blah blah blah basically the priorities we have are just different. I don't know.
it's like they humour my discussion about stuff that matters to me and they humour my nerdy jokes, but really i think they do think I'm lofty and removed. it's like I can't help being irrelevant to them. and besides, so often i get sick of hearing myself talk about something that doesn;t matter to anyone but me so I just shut up.
I'm digressing. basically, I think I'm so focused on big picture ideas that I neglect the little nuances of daily stuff- like just making time to sit down in the family room before I head to my room to work/sleep.
so I have spent more time here, and more time doing 'unproductive' things, and now that dave and I are broken up, i spend more time here too. granted, I've also stopped going to the gym because I feel guilty going and squeezing it in instead of "squeezing in" waking hours at home.
but even still... ahhh...
so at breakfast today rosa made acomment taht the best friendships that last are the ones that just click and work and then the ones that force you to figure out the other person and appreciate them- or something like that. the first is like my feidnship with you- I think we sort of just 'get' each other - sure, we think the other person is nuts/irrational/silly but at least, we know where they are at. with ro and al I am increasingly feeling like Im on a quest to know how they;re doing, like were so different we need to identify whats going on and what they're thinking because we just dont get it. if meg or julia walked through that door right now, in 2 minutes we would probably have a better feel of where our heartstrings are being pulled , than al-ro-me know about each other. thats not entirely true, but the desperation of the stattenment at least gives some clue as to how I feel.
I wonder if its just too much pressure to live with your best friends? but I feel like if I lived with you we would be on the same page- always going going going and then cooking good fun meals in between and going going oign. with al, she is so cavalier with her time that I cant be hanging out as much as she is. I don't say that to discredit her, its just that school is less of a priority than it is to me, and she does a much better job keeping up with friends. actually, thats not even true because the friends that I have are awesome and things are really good with them, and I constantly branch out and meet new people. and both of them keep friends in the same big social group- and I don;t relate as much to that big group and onstead see friends outside of it as much and as ofen as those within. So i lose that in common. blah.
I don't know what to do, what to think, how to respond.