Fic: Falling Slowly (1/7)
Falling Slowly
Series Notes
Fandom: House MD
Character: Allison Cameron
Pairings: Canon; House/Cameron and Chase/Cameron are addressed, House/Cuddy is understood
Setting: begins a couple months post-Lockdown; Cameron is living and working in London, England
Rating: T
Summary: a story in seven parts, each depicting an interaction between Cameron and one of her former colleagues, and detailing what Cameron does after she leaves Princeton-Plainsboro
Chapter Notes: Cameron left the series in something of a dark place ("I'm unfixable") ; this chapter is an exploration of that dark place (but the rest won't be so angsty).
The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down what seemed to be a very deep well.
Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her, and to wonder what was going to happen next.
(Alice's Adventures in Wonderland; Lewis Carroll)
Part One: Wilson
It's after midnight and Cameron can't sleep.
She's blamed it on a number of things over the weeks. Months. It's been months now. She's said it's because of jet lag. The change in her routine. It's noisy. It's not noisy enough. The noise is different.
The noise is different.
The city is louder. And her apartment is more empty. She didn't bring much with her to fill it. Most of her belongings, her trappings, are in storage back in New Jersey. Because they didn't belong here. Because she didn't want to be trapped.
Chase sent two boxes the week after the divorce was final. The week before she left for London. Those boxes went into storage unopened. When she’s at the clinic she can keep everything in all those boxes taped up tight and stored far away. But when she’s not at the clinic, not distracted by medical mysteries and patients who need her, when there is nothing but the wrong noise, she can’t hide. She lies, not sleeping, in the middle of a bed that feels too big and too empty and too comfortable all at once. And she can’t decide which feeling is wrong or which feeling is even her's. So she abandons the bed.
Some nights she tries to read but she's too tired and can't focus and the words blur together. Some nights she puts on music but it's not loud enough and she worries about the neighbors so she doesn’t turn it up. Some nights she watches movies and wants to cry and can’t and it makes everything worse. Many nights she sits with photo albums in her lap, as unopened as the boxes. And she wakes up with the sun and she doesn’t remember falling asleep but she's grateful it's time to go to work and push all her feelings into her job and everything else into boxes she can ignore until it's time to go to sleep again.
It's after midnight and Cameron can't sleep. She sits up and curls her knees into her chest to rest her chin on top of them. She stares out into the dark, not really looking, just trying to stop her mind from wandering too far. Something unfamiliar catches her eye, a teddy bear on a mostly empty bookshelf, fallen over on its side. Not unfamiliar. Forgotten.
"This seat taken?"
Cameron looked up from the journal article she was reading and shook her head. She moved papers aside and Wilson sat, placing coffee, fruit and a teddy bear on the table between them. "Who's your friend?" she asked with a small smile.
He echoed her smile but it wasn’t real. Wilson was better than most at hiding his feelings when he wanted. Cameron was better than most at reading beneath the surface. When she wanted. "A patient gave him to me."
"Little girl with a crush?" Her tone remained light but all her attention was on his response.
Wilson took a breath and let it out in a sigh. In. Out. "I told a little girl she was going to die and she gave me her teddy bear to cheer me up." Cameron placed her hand over his. He took another breath. In. Out. "I give people bad news every day."
"I know." People become doctors for many reasons; Cameron always thought she understood Wilson's.
"I can't stop this cancer from killing this little girl and I can accept that but she shouldn't be worrying about me. She shouldn't spend any time worrying about--" He pulled his hand away. "--me."
Cameron let a moment pass. Then she picked up the bear. "Some things are out of our control." Wilson looked over and held her eyes a long while. And smiled a real, if sad, smile.
She reaches out and picks up the bear. When she left Princeton-Plainsboro she'd just thrown everything in her locker into a box. Most of it ended up in her locker at the clinic. The bear hitched a ride to London and got a place on her shelf and she didn't even notice until tonight.
The bear is brown with a bright yellow ribbon around its neck. Generically cheerful. It was probably purchased in the hospital gift shop by somebody who didn't know how else to deal with facing a child dying of cancer. Somebody gave it to a little girl who gave it to Wilson who gave it to her. She thinks she was supposed to give it to someone, too, another patient, but she was called away and forgot. She fingers the ribbon, tugs until the bow unravels and she drops it off the side of the bed.
Some things are out of our control.
Cameron lays back, clutches her bear to her chest, and opens the Pandora's box of her mind and memories. She lets go and she feels everything.
And she sleeps.
Series Notes
Fandom: House MD
Character: Allison Cameron
Pairings: Canon; House/Cameron and Chase/Cameron are addressed, House/Cuddy is understood
Setting: begins a couple months post-Lockdown; Cameron is living and working in London, England
Rating: T
Summary: a story in seven parts, each depicting an interaction between Cameron and one of her former colleagues, and detailing what Cameron does after she leaves Princeton-Plainsboro
Chapter Notes: Cameron left the series in something of a dark place ("I'm unfixable") ; this chapter is an exploration of that dark place (but the rest won't be so angsty).
The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down what seemed to be a very deep well.
Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her, and to wonder what was going to happen next.
(Alice's Adventures in Wonderland; Lewis Carroll)
Part One: Wilson
It's after midnight and Cameron can't sleep.
She's blamed it on a number of things over the weeks. Months. It's been months now. She's said it's because of jet lag. The change in her routine. It's noisy. It's not noisy enough. The noise is different.
The noise is different.
The city is louder. And her apartment is more empty. She didn't bring much with her to fill it. Most of her belongings, her trappings, are in storage back in New Jersey. Because they didn't belong here. Because she didn't want to be trapped.
Chase sent two boxes the week after the divorce was final. The week before she left for London. Those boxes went into storage unopened. When she’s at the clinic she can keep everything in all those boxes taped up tight and stored far away. But when she’s not at the clinic, not distracted by medical mysteries and patients who need her, when there is nothing but the wrong noise, she can’t hide. She lies, not sleeping, in the middle of a bed that feels too big and too empty and too comfortable all at once. And she can’t decide which feeling is wrong or which feeling is even her's. So she abandons the bed.
Some nights she tries to read but she's too tired and can't focus and the words blur together. Some nights she puts on music but it's not loud enough and she worries about the neighbors so she doesn’t turn it up. Some nights she watches movies and wants to cry and can’t and it makes everything worse. Many nights she sits with photo albums in her lap, as unopened as the boxes. And she wakes up with the sun and she doesn’t remember falling asleep but she's grateful it's time to go to work and push all her feelings into her job and everything else into boxes she can ignore until it's time to go to sleep again.
It's after midnight and Cameron can't sleep. She sits up and curls her knees into her chest to rest her chin on top of them. She stares out into the dark, not really looking, just trying to stop her mind from wandering too far. Something unfamiliar catches her eye, a teddy bear on a mostly empty bookshelf, fallen over on its side. Not unfamiliar. Forgotten.
"This seat taken?"
Cameron looked up from the journal article she was reading and shook her head. She moved papers aside and Wilson sat, placing coffee, fruit and a teddy bear on the table between them. "Who's your friend?" she asked with a small smile.
He echoed her smile but it wasn’t real. Wilson was better than most at hiding his feelings when he wanted. Cameron was better than most at reading beneath the surface. When she wanted. "A patient gave him to me."
"Little girl with a crush?" Her tone remained light but all her attention was on his response.
Wilson took a breath and let it out in a sigh. In. Out. "I told a little girl she was going to die and she gave me her teddy bear to cheer me up." Cameron placed her hand over his. He took another breath. In. Out. "I give people bad news every day."
"I know." People become doctors for many reasons; Cameron always thought she understood Wilson's.
"I can't stop this cancer from killing this little girl and I can accept that but she shouldn't be worrying about me. She shouldn't spend any time worrying about--" He pulled his hand away. "--me."
Cameron let a moment pass. Then she picked up the bear. "Some things are out of our control." Wilson looked over and held her eyes a long while. And smiled a real, if sad, smile.
She reaches out and picks up the bear. When she left Princeton-Plainsboro she'd just thrown everything in her locker into a box. Most of it ended up in her locker at the clinic. The bear hitched a ride to London and got a place on her shelf and she didn't even notice until tonight.
The bear is brown with a bright yellow ribbon around its neck. Generically cheerful. It was probably purchased in the hospital gift shop by somebody who didn't know how else to deal with facing a child dying of cancer. Somebody gave it to a little girl who gave it to Wilson who gave it to her. She thinks she was supposed to give it to someone, too, another patient, but she was called away and forgot. She fingers the ribbon, tugs until the bow unravels and she drops it off the side of the bed.
Some things are out of our control.
Cameron lays back, clutches her bear to her chest, and opens the Pandora's box of her mind and memories. She lets go and she feels everything.
And she sleeps.