looking back
so its almost 5am, and i'm sitting here in the art studio. i haven't actually done anything since like 3:30, and i spent the last 45 minutes reading every entry i ever wrote. now for some of you this would be a 24 hour marathon of disgusting proportions, but seeing as i stop writing for months at a time, it wasn't quite a tremendous feat. It is a funny little retrospective though. I've had this journal for over a year now, so i was walking through memories and feeling a sort of deja vu. In a way it is all so surreal. I do't know how we as people don't change our names and identities every year, I know i feel like a different person. And yet I still have a lot of the same thoughts feelings and problems. Why it was exactly a year ago that i was still trying to get over my depression. I was coming back from spring break feeling pretty good. Things are different now certainly, but some things still haven't changed. I'm more focused, but I'm still lonely. I still believe in the machine, but I have a more hopeful outlook on it. I'm in litho, again, and I'm still pulling all nighters, but I'm also pulling all dayers and all weekers. Im just here a lot. I feel a little more confident in my artistic abilities, but I'm still unsure of myself, and I still don't feel like I'm at all ready for the senior show. Mix of the good and the bad right? Some nights I think I stay in the studio because it too depressing to go home. I don't have a roomate anymore (well not really, she hasn't lived there since thanksgiving, but she still pays rent and every once in a while she says she's coming back) I feel like a complete outsider, and I wonder how other people see me when I make any kind of an attempt at socializing. Or at least wth the other art people. I mean, I just don't really have any friends in the art department. Its not that I think people DON'T like me, just that its beyond the point where I can squish my way in. They've all had 4 years to develop their groups. Of course, I have friends, I just don't see them very often. ::shakes head vigorously:: well, i should at leat clean up my mess. maybe get another layer in before continental breakfast. I'll be happy when school is over. I think.