nostalgia and cigarettes
title: Nostalgia and Cigarettes[Part 19/?]
author: Sharmel
pairing: Tre/Billie, Billie/Jason
rating: R
summary: "Sorry, you've got the wrong person."
previous parts: Here
2003 cont’d
Tre
Oakland
For the next couple weeks, my mind was in complete and utter chaos. Billie never answered my calls, and each time I called, it was automatically sent to voice mail which worried the hell out of me. I knew Billie, and sometimes I felt as if I knew him better than myself. Or at least, I used to think that I knew him. We did drift apart, but that didn’t mean much. We continued to be part of each other’s lives even though we usually conversed in our own pitiful ways - mainly through eye contact. At least we didn’t cut each other out from our lives completely.
But since that last call, I knew from the way he spoke that he was going to do something stupid. I heard him throwing up, and I was afraid he’d drown himself in alcohol - in more ways than one. I knew that once he was drunk out of his mind, he loses absolute control. And if he ever had gotten to that point, I was afraid what could possible happen to him. I didn’t want to imagine worst case scenarios, but I couldn’t help it. I just cared too much about him even though my attitude towards him these past few years haven’t shown it.
I admit, I’ve had my moments when I should’ve shown concern toward him, and if I did, maybe he wouldn’t have left. Maybe he would’ve came and stay with me while he handled the emotions raging inside of him. At least I’d be able to keep an eye on his actions. I’d be there for him. It would be just like the time he came to me in the middle of the night with the aroma of alcohol drenched over him like a plague.
As the days wore on, I began to mull over how I truly felt about Billie. And I couldn’t deny it, I did fucking love that bastard. I always have loved him, and I doubt I could stop. Ever since the day we met, I’ve had this attraction towards him, an attraction so great that it formed into love. I just wished that he hadn’t acted like a dumb ass or else we wouldn’t have been in this situation. If only he hadn’t lied to Mike. If only I had forgiven him easily. But who was I kidding? “If only’s” never solved anything. It only makes things worse. It only makes a person feel worse.
At the end of the phone call, right before he hung up, I heard what he said. He still loved me. And god, I just wished he hadn’t hung up right away. I would’ve easily said it back to him because I did still fucking love him. Why was time never on my side? Why did everything seem to never go my way? But at least I knew where he was at. New York. Although, it didn’t help that much knowing that, New York was a huge fucking city. It would take me months to track him down by foot.
So as time ticked on by, I waited patiently for Billie’s mail to arrive. My only way to find him - aside from searching by foot - was to open his credit card statement. One of his credit cards was bound to have been used for a hotel. And once I figured out which hotel he was staying at, I’d be there in a heartbeat. With a little bit of luck, maybe I’d run into him - alive.
Finally, his mail arrived. As my hands quickly tore the first envelope open, my eyes quickly scanned the letter. It contained nothing of use to me. My heart sank as I double checked. I sighed in frustration before throwing it aside. My eyes then landed on the last piece of mail left. It was another credit card statement. My heart began to race as I scanned the letter, and at last, I found it. Chelsea Hotel.
My body instantly lunged for the phone as I grabbed the phone book to book the next flight for New York. And before I knew it, with nothing but a backpack and a few belongings, I was on the plan heading to Billie.
The whole flight was painfully long, and I was too anxious to calm my nerves down. I just wanted to see him, to see if he was alright. And most of all, I wanted to finally confess my feelings to him. I wanted him. I wanted him so bad. After all these years, I was bound down because of my kids and my wife. I didn’t want to sacrifice them just my happiness. I cared too much about them, and I’d never be able to forgive myself if I left my kids for Billie. But now, I was free. I was free to do my own bidding. Maybe it was time for my shot of having undying love.
The plane started to land. This was it. For the first time in years, it was time for me to be selfish and go for what I wanted.
As I dashed out of the airport, I slid my cap on and slapped sunglasses over my eyes in attempts to conceal my identity. As much as I adored my fans, I didn’t have time for them, especially when my thoughts and emotions are jumbled up together.
Just then, my cell phone started to ring. I waved a taxi as I glanced at my phone. Lisea? What made her decide to call? Especially at a time like this?
“Hello?”
“Tre, it’s Lisea. How’s it going?”
A yellow taxi halted in front of me and I jumped in. “Chelsea hotel please.” I exhaled deeply before answering. “Everything is going fine, I guess. What’s up?”
Lisea was silent for a few moments. I could picture her biting her lip; it was something she did when she was nervous. And right now, she sounded like it. Finally, she whispered, “Tre, I’m sorry.”
I was taken aback. I didn’t expect this at all. “Sorry for what?”
She cleared her throat before she started to ramble. “For doing this to you. It wasn’t fair. I was just…I was overwhelmed by that article. And well, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I love you, Tre. And I’m so worried about how you’re feeling.” She paused for a second as if to let her words sink in. “Tre, your kids keep asking for you. And well, I want you to be part of their life and -”
“Lisea, where exactly are you going with this?” I asked gently. My kids. After being so worked up over Billie, I pushed them aside these past couple weeks. See how this man fucking affects me? Why? Why did he always have to pull stunts like this? If he hadn’t ran away, I wouldn’t have been so worked up and momentarily push my kids away.
“Tre, let’s get back together. I want to be there for you again. I realized I never really wanted to leave your side. I know that somewhere inside you that you still love Billie, but it doesn’t matter. I have faith in you. You’ve never left me after all these years. And I shouldn’t have left you like that nor should have I stated those things. God, Tre, I’m sorry.”
I sighed as my hand began to rub my temples. Why did she have to do this now? I was so close to Billie, so fucking close. But I had to think about my kids, too. I had to think what was best for them. “I - I need to collect my thoughts first, Lisea. I’m just…I’m so fucking worried about him right now. He’s been gone for weeks, and I’m afraid of what could have possibly happened to him. Can you…give me some time, Lisea?”
She sniffed quietly. My heart sank. She shed tears for me - unnecessary tears. “Do whatever you need to you, Tre. I don’t care what you do, just as long as you’ll forgive me for doing this. So just give me a call when you’re ready,” she stopped for a second before sighing, “I love you.”
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t even say it. Not at that moment, but I forced myself to. She needed to hear it. ”I love you, too.” And with that, I hung up.
Sadness clung onto me as I watched the scenery change. Buildings started to get larger and larger as I entered the city. And as my eyes stare out the window my mind counted down the seconds. I just needed to know he was alright. And then…I needed to go back to my wife and my kids.
Finally, the cab stopped in front of the hotel. I promptly paid the driver and left him a nice tip. Then I dashed toward the hotel in hopes to find him. As I entered the hotel, a person who was exiting the building bumped into me.
“Sorry,” the man mumbled gruffly.
The moment his voice echoed through my ears, I knew exactly whose voice it belonged to. No matter how hoarse it sounded, I knew it was Billie. But I was taken aback. He looked so different, so tiny, so unhealthy. “Billie?”
I couldn’t see his eyes because he too, had a pair of shades on. But as his body stiffen, my hunches were correct. It really was him, and relief started to wash over me.
“Sorry, you've got the wrong person,” he said in a hoarser tone.
He began to walk away but I grab hold of his shoulder. I wasn’t about to let him go this time. “Billie, stop.”
The man exhaled deeply in frustration as he desperately attempted to pry my fingers off him. “I’m not the guy you’re looking for.”
Anger started to arise out of me. I threw my shades off and half-yelled, “Goddamnit, Billie. It’s Tre.”
His body went limp as he swallowed the lump in his throat. “T-Tre?”
My other hand touched his cheek before sliding his glasses off. For the first time in weeks, our eyes met. But it was different. His bloodshot eyes held such sorrow and anger that it pained me to stare at them. “Billie, god, it’s you.” I wrapped my muscular arms around him and held him tightly. I held him like there was no tomorrow.
I almost expected him to push me off of him or to resist me, but he didn’t. In fact, he placed his tiny head on my chest and began to heave heavy sobs. I placed my hand on his back and rubbed gently. I didn’t give a shit that we were in front of dozens of people walking by. Go ahead and stare. Most of them probably knew about our history thanks to Mike.
At last, his sobs stopped and his breathing finally became normal, but he kept holding onto me like a lost child. “How’d you find me?”
I let out a smile. “Where ever you go, I’ll always find you. You know why?”
He slowly shook his head as I cupped his head into my hands. Our eyes met once more, green versus blue.
“Because I fucking love you, that’s why.”
And for the first time in years, we shared a long awaited kiss. If only Lisea hadn’t called, things would’ve been perfect.
----------------
Whoo, an update. God, I'm so sorry for the lack of updates. Seriously.
But I like the direction this is headed, so you never know, another quick update may be heading your way.
Comments are extremely loved. I'm curious to see what you guys think of this one, I sort of dislike it. xD
Thanks. <3
author: Sharmel
pairing: Tre/Billie, Billie/Jason
rating: R
summary: "Sorry, you've got the wrong person."
previous parts: Here
2003 cont’d
Tre
Oakland
For the next couple weeks, my mind was in complete and utter chaos. Billie never answered my calls, and each time I called, it was automatically sent to voice mail which worried the hell out of me. I knew Billie, and sometimes I felt as if I knew him better than myself. Or at least, I used to think that I knew him. We did drift apart, but that didn’t mean much. We continued to be part of each other’s lives even though we usually conversed in our own pitiful ways - mainly through eye contact. At least we didn’t cut each other out from our lives completely.
But since that last call, I knew from the way he spoke that he was going to do something stupid. I heard him throwing up, and I was afraid he’d drown himself in alcohol - in more ways than one. I knew that once he was drunk out of his mind, he loses absolute control. And if he ever had gotten to that point, I was afraid what could possible happen to him. I didn’t want to imagine worst case scenarios, but I couldn’t help it. I just cared too much about him even though my attitude towards him these past few years haven’t shown it.
I admit, I’ve had my moments when I should’ve shown concern toward him, and if I did, maybe he wouldn’t have left. Maybe he would’ve came and stay with me while he handled the emotions raging inside of him. At least I’d be able to keep an eye on his actions. I’d be there for him. It would be just like the time he came to me in the middle of the night with the aroma of alcohol drenched over him like a plague.
As the days wore on, I began to mull over how I truly felt about Billie. And I couldn’t deny it, I did fucking love that bastard. I always have loved him, and I doubt I could stop. Ever since the day we met, I’ve had this attraction towards him, an attraction so great that it formed into love. I just wished that he hadn’t acted like a dumb ass or else we wouldn’t have been in this situation. If only he hadn’t lied to Mike. If only I had forgiven him easily. But who was I kidding? “If only’s” never solved anything. It only makes things worse. It only makes a person feel worse.
At the end of the phone call, right before he hung up, I heard what he said. He still loved me. And god, I just wished he hadn’t hung up right away. I would’ve easily said it back to him because I did still fucking love him. Why was time never on my side? Why did everything seem to never go my way? But at least I knew where he was at. New York. Although, it didn’t help that much knowing that, New York was a huge fucking city. It would take me months to track him down by foot.
So as time ticked on by, I waited patiently for Billie’s mail to arrive. My only way to find him - aside from searching by foot - was to open his credit card statement. One of his credit cards was bound to have been used for a hotel. And once I figured out which hotel he was staying at, I’d be there in a heartbeat. With a little bit of luck, maybe I’d run into him - alive.
Finally, his mail arrived. As my hands quickly tore the first envelope open, my eyes quickly scanned the letter. It contained nothing of use to me. My heart sank as I double checked. I sighed in frustration before throwing it aside. My eyes then landed on the last piece of mail left. It was another credit card statement. My heart began to race as I scanned the letter, and at last, I found it. Chelsea Hotel.
My body instantly lunged for the phone as I grabbed the phone book to book the next flight for New York. And before I knew it, with nothing but a backpack and a few belongings, I was on the plan heading to Billie.
The whole flight was painfully long, and I was too anxious to calm my nerves down. I just wanted to see him, to see if he was alright. And most of all, I wanted to finally confess my feelings to him. I wanted him. I wanted him so bad. After all these years, I was bound down because of my kids and my wife. I didn’t want to sacrifice them just my happiness. I cared too much about them, and I’d never be able to forgive myself if I left my kids for Billie. But now, I was free. I was free to do my own bidding. Maybe it was time for my shot of having undying love.
The plane started to land. This was it. For the first time in years, it was time for me to be selfish and go for what I wanted.
As I dashed out of the airport, I slid my cap on and slapped sunglasses over my eyes in attempts to conceal my identity. As much as I adored my fans, I didn’t have time for them, especially when my thoughts and emotions are jumbled up together.
Just then, my cell phone started to ring. I waved a taxi as I glanced at my phone. Lisea? What made her decide to call? Especially at a time like this?
“Hello?”
“Tre, it’s Lisea. How’s it going?”
A yellow taxi halted in front of me and I jumped in. “Chelsea hotel please.” I exhaled deeply before answering. “Everything is going fine, I guess. What’s up?”
Lisea was silent for a few moments. I could picture her biting her lip; it was something she did when she was nervous. And right now, she sounded like it. Finally, she whispered, “Tre, I’m sorry.”
I was taken aback. I didn’t expect this at all. “Sorry for what?”
She cleared her throat before she started to ramble. “For doing this to you. It wasn’t fair. I was just…I was overwhelmed by that article. And well, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I love you, Tre. And I’m so worried about how you’re feeling.” She paused for a second as if to let her words sink in. “Tre, your kids keep asking for you. And well, I want you to be part of their life and -”
“Lisea, where exactly are you going with this?” I asked gently. My kids. After being so worked up over Billie, I pushed them aside these past couple weeks. See how this man fucking affects me? Why? Why did he always have to pull stunts like this? If he hadn’t ran away, I wouldn’t have been so worked up and momentarily push my kids away.
“Tre, let’s get back together. I want to be there for you again. I realized I never really wanted to leave your side. I know that somewhere inside you that you still love Billie, but it doesn’t matter. I have faith in you. You’ve never left me after all these years. And I shouldn’t have left you like that nor should have I stated those things. God, Tre, I’m sorry.”
I sighed as my hand began to rub my temples. Why did she have to do this now? I was so close to Billie, so fucking close. But I had to think about my kids, too. I had to think what was best for them. “I - I need to collect my thoughts first, Lisea. I’m just…I’m so fucking worried about him right now. He’s been gone for weeks, and I’m afraid of what could have possibly happened to him. Can you…give me some time, Lisea?”
She sniffed quietly. My heart sank. She shed tears for me - unnecessary tears. “Do whatever you need to you, Tre. I don’t care what you do, just as long as you’ll forgive me for doing this. So just give me a call when you’re ready,” she stopped for a second before sighing, “I love you.”
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t even say it. Not at that moment, but I forced myself to. She needed to hear it. ”I love you, too.” And with that, I hung up.
Sadness clung onto me as I watched the scenery change. Buildings started to get larger and larger as I entered the city. And as my eyes stare out the window my mind counted down the seconds. I just needed to know he was alright. And then…I needed to go back to my wife and my kids.
Finally, the cab stopped in front of the hotel. I promptly paid the driver and left him a nice tip. Then I dashed toward the hotel in hopes to find him. As I entered the hotel, a person who was exiting the building bumped into me.
“Sorry,” the man mumbled gruffly.
The moment his voice echoed through my ears, I knew exactly whose voice it belonged to. No matter how hoarse it sounded, I knew it was Billie. But I was taken aback. He looked so different, so tiny, so unhealthy. “Billie?”
I couldn’t see his eyes because he too, had a pair of shades on. But as his body stiffen, my hunches were correct. It really was him, and relief started to wash over me.
“Sorry, you've got the wrong person,” he said in a hoarser tone.
He began to walk away but I grab hold of his shoulder. I wasn’t about to let him go this time. “Billie, stop.”
The man exhaled deeply in frustration as he desperately attempted to pry my fingers off him. “I’m not the guy you’re looking for.”
Anger started to arise out of me. I threw my shades off and half-yelled, “Goddamnit, Billie. It’s Tre.”
His body went limp as he swallowed the lump in his throat. “T-Tre?”
My other hand touched his cheek before sliding his glasses off. For the first time in weeks, our eyes met. But it was different. His bloodshot eyes held such sorrow and anger that it pained me to stare at them. “Billie, god, it’s you.” I wrapped my muscular arms around him and held him tightly. I held him like there was no tomorrow.
I almost expected him to push me off of him or to resist me, but he didn’t. In fact, he placed his tiny head on my chest and began to heave heavy sobs. I placed my hand on his back and rubbed gently. I didn’t give a shit that we were in front of dozens of people walking by. Go ahead and stare. Most of them probably knew about our history thanks to Mike.
At last, his sobs stopped and his breathing finally became normal, but he kept holding onto me like a lost child. “How’d you find me?”
I let out a smile. “Where ever you go, I’ll always find you. You know why?”
He slowly shook his head as I cupped his head into my hands. Our eyes met once more, green versus blue.
“Because I fucking love you, that’s why.”
And for the first time in years, we shared a long awaited kiss. If only Lisea hadn’t called, things would’ve been perfect.
----------------
Whoo, an update. God, I'm so sorry for the lack of updates. Seriously.
But I like the direction this is headed, so you never know, another quick update may be heading your way.
Comments are extremely loved. I'm curious to see what you guys think of this one, I sort of dislike it. xD
Thanks. <3