nostalgia and cigarettes
title: Nostalgia and Cigarettes[Part 4/?]
author: dane
pairing: Tre/Billie
rating: NC-17
disclaimer: I do not own any of the people in my story. I only own the plot and words.
summary: "And for the first time in over a year, we made love."
previous parts: Here
1994
Tre.
Time flew by without a hitch. Dookie was released, and we played so many shows during the course of the next few months and were interviewed so frequently that I barely had time to sit back and relax. But I supposed it was for the best. The busier I was, the less time I had to think about him. The less time I had to think about him, the more my heart got to recuperate.
At first, I had a hard time being my usual self. I always found myself faking a smile or forcing out few lame jokes. Everyone - except for Billie and Mike - thought I was the same old crazy lunatic. Those two though, they knew the truth. They knew how I really felt. And of course, Billie did nothing except cast sympathetic glances at me whenever we made eye contact, and Mike would occasionally come to my bunk or sit down with me when it was just us two, alone. Eventually, those talks became less frequent. I never wanted to talk about how I really felt, not even with Mike. The topic and feelings that I was holding onto were all locked inside, and only one person had the key to unlock it. Unfortunately for Mike, he didn't have the key.
But after months of the same routine: playing shows, acting like a crazy idiot, cracking jokes at interviews, and pretending like nothing ever happened, it got easier to hide my emotions. After a few weeks had past, I never shed another tear for that man. And I was doing so well too, holding up and hiding what I truly felt. It wasn’t until he got married, that was when I lost control. I couldn’t contain myself anymore. I couldn’t hide the heartache. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing out. I felt so emotional. And so I only came up with one solution: running away once more.
Thank god we were on a one break from touring. Or else the label would’ve been pissed to the max. And really, that one week was all I needed. I still didn’t have money at that time since our band just became famous. So, in the end, I found myself wandering around aimlessly in the streets of Los Angeles once more. I checked into a cheap motel, but instead of moping around and crying inside that confined space, I walked around the park. And that was when I met her. Lisea. Fuck me, but she was damn right gorgeous. I bet if I wasn’t miserable with Billie and all, her and I would’ve worked out and perhaps be together today.
So, that’s when I met her. She was walking her dog and her dog got away from her. And a gentlemen I was, I helped her out. I chased that little sucker until I caught him. When I gave him back to her, she looked so happy and thankful. I was ready to part ways, but she stopped me. She insisted she pay me back with a cup of coffee at the very least. Honestly, I just wanted to be left alone. I was in pain, I was in heartache, and I wanted to mope around until I was disgusted with myself. But something told me to accept her offer. So I did. We went to the local Starbucks and chatted. Well, she did most of the chatting, but I didn’t mind listening to her. She was fairly interesting, and she never ran out of topics to talk about. I listened, and to show that I was actually listening, I occasionally asked a question or two. It fuelled her up even more. All in all, she was great company, and she was beautiful.
In the end, we exchanged phone numbers, and she made me promise to call her sometime. So I did. I wanted to forget about him for the time being. And being with her eased the pain that was swelling up a tiny bit. I knew I shouldn’t have called her since I was still all hung up with Billie, but then again, something told me to call her - to give her a chance. At least, she didn’t disappoint. We hung out every single day for the next few days I was at Los Angeles, and while we were together, I knew she was falling in love with me.
I suppose, if he wasn’t always in my mind, I would’ve fallen in love with her, too. She treated me differently. Even though she knew I was in this crazy band that was so fucking popular at the time, she didn’t get star-struck. And I loved that. But I guess, I did somewhat fall in love with her. Or maybe it was just me craving different company for a change. Either way, she stuck around for a while. I was almost content with life.
Eventually, I had to go back to Oakland. The next leg of the tour was about to start. Was I ready for it? Not really. But I was more ready than I was before. I was able to keep my emotions in check once again. And I had something to look forward to for a change. Her phone calls. As always, she was the chatty one, but I was fine with that. We both were.
But then a few weeks later, Billie announced that his wife was pregnant. I once again felt deflated. I guess it was the fact that having that child sealed our fate. It meant that I most likely will never have a chance to be with him. I’ve always had this one part of me that hoped they would never have children. If they never did, I thought I might a shot with him once more. I know, I was a fucking selfish and ignorant bastard. But I couldn’t help it. Everyone’s hearts have selfish intentions. I’m quite sure it’s not just me.
When I found out, I became this pathetic moper once again. But this time, I wanted to talk to someone about it. So, for once, I did most of the talking when she called. I poured out my heart and soul into a four-hour-conversation. And she listened so intently, I couldn’t have chosen a better suited person to talk to. And once I opened my mouth, I couldn’t stop. And when I finally finished talking, my face was flushed and the tears finally stopped falling. And for once, a smile crept on my face.
It felt so good to finally let some of the feelings locked up inside out. And she was very understanding about it, she embraced my openness. After that phone call, we became closer. And I guess we were official. We were finally an item; we were together.
Things seemed to get brighter for me. I could finally let out a genuine smile during interviews, and I was acting more of myself when we played gigs. Regardless though, I still felt uncomfortable around him. If his pleading eyes ever met mine, I would instantly dart my eyes away. Staring at his eyes only bring back painful memories that I didn’t want to relive.
However, on our last day of touring, our band decided to celebrate. We went to this local bar, and it was pretty fun. I hung out mostly with Mike, and we had a ton of shots. Up to that day, I had never seen Mike Dirnt so drunk. Thinking back on those days, I always smile when it came to Mike. He may be the fucking sensible one in our group, but when he has enough drinks, he’s a crazy mother fucker.
It was Billie that drank the most, though. Or at least, I was surely convinced he was. Because when we were heading back to the hotel our gracious label treated us with, he grabbed my arm so roughly and took me to his room. I didn’t know why I let him, even to this day; I still don’t have a clue. But once his door closed, he shoved me against the wall and slammed our mouths together. He had never kissed me that hard before, nor had he ever kissed me so roughly. But I let him kiss me.
When he finally parted, he stared deeply in my blue orbs. His eyes were filled with so much lust, passion, hunger, longing, regret, and desire, they were breathtaking. And part of me wanted him so badly as well, so I kissed him. He let out a sound of what I interpreted as a sound of surprise and a lustful groan. Either way, it turned me on. And all thoughts of Lisea disappeared from my mind for the time being.
And for the first time in over a year, we made love.
I woke up the next morning, and to my disappointment, he was out of sight. His side of the bed was neat and unwrinkled, it were as if last night had never happened. But once I had the strength to get up, I found him sitting in a chair with his face crumpled in his hands. It was then I heard a sob escape his perfectly shaped lips.
I quietly slipped my clothes on and debated whether or not I should talk to him. Before I could make my hasty decision, he glanced up to me. I felt my heart go heavy once again. I made the mistake of placing my hand on his shoulder because the thing I knew it, he crashed his lips onto mine. And once again, I didn’t stop him.
But before we got any further, he parted from the kiss. The whole time we shared that kiss, we stared at each other’s eyes so deeply as if we were in a trance. No one dared to blink as if it would all disappear in a blink of an eye.
“Tre, I - I, well, I’m sorry.”
I shook my head, “For what? For breaking my heart? For leaving me? For marrying someone else? For all the regrets locked inside you? Tell me Billie, for fucking what?”
He flinched, it was the first time I had ever spoken out to him like that. But nevertheless, he still replied. “For everything. I - I’m so sorry it never worked out. Every time I see your beautiful face, every time I manage to catch your eyes looking at mine, it breaks my heart. You always seem so heartbroken. And I’m entirely at fault. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I thought breaking up with you was for the best. I thought it would’ve saved you in the long run because I'm a fucking idiot. But Tre, you don’t know what I've been feeling and going through. You have no idea how much I've been hurting, too. Tre - fuck. I love you. Always have, always will.”
I didn’t know what to feel or how to react. But something overcame me, rage, and so before I had a chance to think about anything else, my fist collided with his face. We were both shocked from my sudden action.
“Stop it! Fucking stop it! Stop fucking with my heart!” I yelled before my legs gave out and I fell onto the bed. ”Just stop it.
He wiped the blood off his lip before he sat down beside me. He wrapped his arms around me, and I found myself crying to his chest. Over and over, I mumbled out, ”Why do you always do this to me? Why? Why?”
I was doing okay before that happened. I nearly even accepted the fact that he would never be mine. And I would’ve been content with Lisea. That fucking selfish bastard. Did he think about his wife when he did that to me? Did he think about his baby? Did he even bother to think about my girlfriend at that time?
Regardless though, once he did that to me, once he said what needed to be said, my building blocks crumbled. And it was all his fault. I was back to square one.
------------------------------------------------
So much happened in this chapter. I just realized that.
Anyway, hope you liked it. Thanks for the amazing feedback you guys have been giving me.
It feels really great to know that people have been reading my story and have taken the time to write a comment. Thanks so much! <3
author: dane
pairing: Tre/Billie
rating: NC-17
disclaimer: I do not own any of the people in my story. I only own the plot and words.
summary: "And for the first time in over a year, we made love."
previous parts: Here
1994
Tre.
Time flew by without a hitch. Dookie was released, and we played so many shows during the course of the next few months and were interviewed so frequently that I barely had time to sit back and relax. But I supposed it was for the best. The busier I was, the less time I had to think about him. The less time I had to think about him, the more my heart got to recuperate.
At first, I had a hard time being my usual self. I always found myself faking a smile or forcing out few lame jokes. Everyone - except for Billie and Mike - thought I was the same old crazy lunatic. Those two though, they knew the truth. They knew how I really felt. And of course, Billie did nothing except cast sympathetic glances at me whenever we made eye contact, and Mike would occasionally come to my bunk or sit down with me when it was just us two, alone. Eventually, those talks became less frequent. I never wanted to talk about how I really felt, not even with Mike. The topic and feelings that I was holding onto were all locked inside, and only one person had the key to unlock it. Unfortunately for Mike, he didn't have the key.
But after months of the same routine: playing shows, acting like a crazy idiot, cracking jokes at interviews, and pretending like nothing ever happened, it got easier to hide my emotions. After a few weeks had past, I never shed another tear for that man. And I was doing so well too, holding up and hiding what I truly felt. It wasn’t until he got married, that was when I lost control. I couldn’t contain myself anymore. I couldn’t hide the heartache. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing out. I felt so emotional. And so I only came up with one solution: running away once more.
Thank god we were on a one break from touring. Or else the label would’ve been pissed to the max. And really, that one week was all I needed. I still didn’t have money at that time since our band just became famous. So, in the end, I found myself wandering around aimlessly in the streets of Los Angeles once more. I checked into a cheap motel, but instead of moping around and crying inside that confined space, I walked around the park. And that was when I met her. Lisea. Fuck me, but she was damn right gorgeous. I bet if I wasn’t miserable with Billie and all, her and I would’ve worked out and perhaps be together today.
So, that’s when I met her. She was walking her dog and her dog got away from her. And a gentlemen I was, I helped her out. I chased that little sucker until I caught him. When I gave him back to her, she looked so happy and thankful. I was ready to part ways, but she stopped me. She insisted she pay me back with a cup of coffee at the very least. Honestly, I just wanted to be left alone. I was in pain, I was in heartache, and I wanted to mope around until I was disgusted with myself. But something told me to accept her offer. So I did. We went to the local Starbucks and chatted. Well, she did most of the chatting, but I didn’t mind listening to her. She was fairly interesting, and she never ran out of topics to talk about. I listened, and to show that I was actually listening, I occasionally asked a question or two. It fuelled her up even more. All in all, she was great company, and she was beautiful.
In the end, we exchanged phone numbers, and she made me promise to call her sometime. So I did. I wanted to forget about him for the time being. And being with her eased the pain that was swelling up a tiny bit. I knew I shouldn’t have called her since I was still all hung up with Billie, but then again, something told me to call her - to give her a chance. At least, she didn’t disappoint. We hung out every single day for the next few days I was at Los Angeles, and while we were together, I knew she was falling in love with me.
I suppose, if he wasn’t always in my mind, I would’ve fallen in love with her, too. She treated me differently. Even though she knew I was in this crazy band that was so fucking popular at the time, she didn’t get star-struck. And I loved that. But I guess, I did somewhat fall in love with her. Or maybe it was just me craving different company for a change. Either way, she stuck around for a while. I was almost content with life.
Eventually, I had to go back to Oakland. The next leg of the tour was about to start. Was I ready for it? Not really. But I was more ready than I was before. I was able to keep my emotions in check once again. And I had something to look forward to for a change. Her phone calls. As always, she was the chatty one, but I was fine with that. We both were.
But then a few weeks later, Billie announced that his wife was pregnant. I once again felt deflated. I guess it was the fact that having that child sealed our fate. It meant that I most likely will never have a chance to be with him. I’ve always had this one part of me that hoped they would never have children. If they never did, I thought I might a shot with him once more. I know, I was a fucking selfish and ignorant bastard. But I couldn’t help it. Everyone’s hearts have selfish intentions. I’m quite sure it’s not just me.
When I found out, I became this pathetic moper once again. But this time, I wanted to talk to someone about it. So, for once, I did most of the talking when she called. I poured out my heart and soul into a four-hour-conversation. And she listened so intently, I couldn’t have chosen a better suited person to talk to. And once I opened my mouth, I couldn’t stop. And when I finally finished talking, my face was flushed and the tears finally stopped falling. And for once, a smile crept on my face.
It felt so good to finally let some of the feelings locked up inside out. And she was very understanding about it, she embraced my openness. After that phone call, we became closer. And I guess we were official. We were finally an item; we were together.
Things seemed to get brighter for me. I could finally let out a genuine smile during interviews, and I was acting more of myself when we played gigs. Regardless though, I still felt uncomfortable around him. If his pleading eyes ever met mine, I would instantly dart my eyes away. Staring at his eyes only bring back painful memories that I didn’t want to relive.
However, on our last day of touring, our band decided to celebrate. We went to this local bar, and it was pretty fun. I hung out mostly with Mike, and we had a ton of shots. Up to that day, I had never seen Mike Dirnt so drunk. Thinking back on those days, I always smile when it came to Mike. He may be the fucking sensible one in our group, but when he has enough drinks, he’s a crazy mother fucker.
It was Billie that drank the most, though. Or at least, I was surely convinced he was. Because when we were heading back to the hotel our gracious label treated us with, he grabbed my arm so roughly and took me to his room. I didn’t know why I let him, even to this day; I still don’t have a clue. But once his door closed, he shoved me against the wall and slammed our mouths together. He had never kissed me that hard before, nor had he ever kissed me so roughly. But I let him kiss me.
When he finally parted, he stared deeply in my blue orbs. His eyes were filled with so much lust, passion, hunger, longing, regret, and desire, they were breathtaking. And part of me wanted him so badly as well, so I kissed him. He let out a sound of what I interpreted as a sound of surprise and a lustful groan. Either way, it turned me on. And all thoughts of Lisea disappeared from my mind for the time being.
And for the first time in over a year, we made love.
I woke up the next morning, and to my disappointment, he was out of sight. His side of the bed was neat and unwrinkled, it were as if last night had never happened. But once I had the strength to get up, I found him sitting in a chair with his face crumpled in his hands. It was then I heard a sob escape his perfectly shaped lips.
I quietly slipped my clothes on and debated whether or not I should talk to him. Before I could make my hasty decision, he glanced up to me. I felt my heart go heavy once again. I made the mistake of placing my hand on his shoulder because the thing I knew it, he crashed his lips onto mine. And once again, I didn’t stop him.
But before we got any further, he parted from the kiss. The whole time we shared that kiss, we stared at each other’s eyes so deeply as if we were in a trance. No one dared to blink as if it would all disappear in a blink of an eye.
“Tre, I - I, well, I’m sorry.”
I shook my head, “For what? For breaking my heart? For leaving me? For marrying someone else? For all the regrets locked inside you? Tell me Billie, for fucking what?”
He flinched, it was the first time I had ever spoken out to him like that. But nevertheless, he still replied. “For everything. I - I’m so sorry it never worked out. Every time I see your beautiful face, every time I manage to catch your eyes looking at mine, it breaks my heart. You always seem so heartbroken. And I’m entirely at fault. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I thought breaking up with you was for the best. I thought it would’ve saved you in the long run because I'm a fucking idiot. But Tre, you don’t know what I've been feeling and going through. You have no idea how much I've been hurting, too. Tre - fuck. I love you. Always have, always will.”
I didn’t know what to feel or how to react. But something overcame me, rage, and so before I had a chance to think about anything else, my fist collided with his face. We were both shocked from my sudden action.
“Stop it! Fucking stop it! Stop fucking with my heart!” I yelled before my legs gave out and I fell onto the bed. ”Just stop it.
He wiped the blood off his lip before he sat down beside me. He wrapped his arms around me, and I found myself crying to his chest. Over and over, I mumbled out, ”Why do you always do this to me? Why? Why?”
I was doing okay before that happened. I nearly even accepted the fact that he would never be mine. And I would’ve been content with Lisea. That fucking selfish bastard. Did he think about his wife when he did that to me? Did he think about his baby? Did he even bother to think about my girlfriend at that time?
Regardless though, once he did that to me, once he said what needed to be said, my building blocks crumbled. And it was all his fault. I was back to square one.
------------------------------------------------
So much happened in this chapter. I just realized that.
Anyway, hope you liked it. Thanks for the amazing feedback you guys have been giving me.
It feels really great to know that people have been reading my story and have taken the time to write a comment. Thanks so much! <3