(no subject)
grrrr...
intensely frustrated...
don't want to study...
just want to break things...
i don't even know why. i just feel like i'm under the constant scrutiny of everybody and i always have to be the rock. i'm supposed to be the mature one, the responsible one, the one that just handles shit. i can never trust people to just get it done. there's nobody looking out for me, making sure i feed myself, go to class, take care of my own work, yet i feel like i should do this for a good handful of people. part of my anxiety of next year's living situation is that i don't want to be in a position where i have to take care of people when i have a million other things to do. i don't want to be the only one who cleans the bathroom, cooks and does the dishes, after coming home from work where i've spent the last twelve hours cleaning shit and making food and washing dishes. i also don't want to be expected to be social, there are a lot of nights that i just want to come home and sit around, watch a movie, play with my cats, knit or something like that. i hate going out. i don't really like drinking (oh, my new rule for alcohol is my old rule for pot - don't do it unless it's free...not to the point where i go looking for free stuff but only do it when it's offered to me at no charge...don't make an investment, even though i eventually ended up doing that with pot but i'm done with that now).
i think i need to meet new people. i think i need an older set, i'm growing out of my college years and i have nothing to grow into. somebody at the coffee shop over the weekend asked me if it was my place, like if i owned it. and you know what, i really could...minus the start-up capital of course. most of my friends are still in college mode, not to say that i'm not, but i'm almost done with it. i'm tired and frustrated with it. my problem is that i don't know what's next. i don't know how to be a "twenty-something," i don't know how to go on casual dates, go out for coffee, meet colleagues with self-confidence and assurance. when i meet professionals in my field, i am a timid schoolgirl. i still feel like a kid among adults in schools, i can already see myself being closer to the students than the faculty. i know that i can relate to the kids, but how do i relate to the adults? i can't just put on a Fall Out Boy t-shirt and win them over. they won't look at my gauged ears and say "wow, i have those too." i don't know how to make a good first impression on grown-ups. i don't know very many grown-ups.
fuck this rant, i'm supposed to be studying.
in summary, i'm insecure and feel like nobody is supporting me.
back to ochem.
_____________________________________________________________________________
okay so rather than post a thousand seperate rants, i'm just going to continue on this one.
i have always said that OKCupid is the most flattering thing a person could ever participate in. i check my account every couple days, and there is inevitably a couple messages that sounds something like this...(for real, this one is from today)
"Has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful and interesting eyes?
They have a quality about them that says "there's more to this person than you might think at first glance" and I just had to write you a message and let you know it."
i think my biggest crisis right now is that i think my friends are too close to me, they know too much about me and thus are in good position to use me. i know it's stupid, but i'm insecure and can't trust their compliments because i feel like they want something from me whether it's a job, money, sex, errands, favors, rides, homework, whatever. to some extent, i think that i could disappear and people wouldn't notice until they got a craving for bubble tea. i can't tell anymore whether people are really looking out for my best interest or theirs, and when i really think about it, i don't believe anyone is looking out for me.
intensely frustrated...
don't want to study...
just want to break things...
i don't even know why. i just feel like i'm under the constant scrutiny of everybody and i always have to be the rock. i'm supposed to be the mature one, the responsible one, the one that just handles shit. i can never trust people to just get it done. there's nobody looking out for me, making sure i feed myself, go to class, take care of my own work, yet i feel like i should do this for a good handful of people. part of my anxiety of next year's living situation is that i don't want to be in a position where i have to take care of people when i have a million other things to do. i don't want to be the only one who cleans the bathroom, cooks and does the dishes, after coming home from work where i've spent the last twelve hours cleaning shit and making food and washing dishes. i also don't want to be expected to be social, there are a lot of nights that i just want to come home and sit around, watch a movie, play with my cats, knit or something like that. i hate going out. i don't really like drinking (oh, my new rule for alcohol is my old rule for pot - don't do it unless it's free...not to the point where i go looking for free stuff but only do it when it's offered to me at no charge...don't make an investment, even though i eventually ended up doing that with pot but i'm done with that now).
i think i need to meet new people. i think i need an older set, i'm growing out of my college years and i have nothing to grow into. somebody at the coffee shop over the weekend asked me if it was my place, like if i owned it. and you know what, i really could...minus the start-up capital of course. most of my friends are still in college mode, not to say that i'm not, but i'm almost done with it. i'm tired and frustrated with it. my problem is that i don't know what's next. i don't know how to be a "twenty-something," i don't know how to go on casual dates, go out for coffee, meet colleagues with self-confidence and assurance. when i meet professionals in my field, i am a timid schoolgirl. i still feel like a kid among adults in schools, i can already see myself being closer to the students than the faculty. i know that i can relate to the kids, but how do i relate to the adults? i can't just put on a Fall Out Boy t-shirt and win them over. they won't look at my gauged ears and say "wow, i have those too." i don't know how to make a good first impression on grown-ups. i don't know very many grown-ups.
fuck this rant, i'm supposed to be studying.
in summary, i'm insecure and feel like nobody is supporting me.
back to ochem.
_____________________________________________________________________________
okay so rather than post a thousand seperate rants, i'm just going to continue on this one.
i have always said that OKCupid is the most flattering thing a person could ever participate in. i check my account every couple days, and there is inevitably a couple messages that sounds something like this...(for real, this one is from today)
"Has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful and interesting eyes?
They have a quality about them that says "there's more to this person than you might think at first glance" and I just had to write you a message and let you know it."
i think my biggest crisis right now is that i think my friends are too close to me, they know too much about me and thus are in good position to use me. i know it's stupid, but i'm insecure and can't trust their compliments because i feel like they want something from me whether it's a job, money, sex, errands, favors, rides, homework, whatever. to some extent, i think that i could disappear and people wouldn't notice until they got a craving for bubble tea. i can't tell anymore whether people are really looking out for my best interest or theirs, and when i really think about it, i don't believe anyone is looking out for me.