(no subject)
i looked at my desktop and then up at my bulliten board and said inside, oh my, this tells me exactly how i feel this very moment.
my desktop is this picture of Hinata from Naruto all regal and shit with an air of honor and respectability and glamour to her, and the one on my bulliten board is her on her knees looking at the artist all shy and timid and childish.
i just got stuck in a mental quandry between being cute and kneeling like a kid and sitting atop a litter like a queene. don't really know where it came from, and now it's gone. i've gotta sleep.
tomorrow 0chem exam, probably skipping philo and coming home to nap a bit before work, depending on how i feel and how much i want to pump more caffinne into my system so i can stress out about something totally unimportant like leveling and getting kick ass so my guild can be proud of me.
i was asked today if i was alone, and i responded "i'm always alone." i didn't mean it quite like it came out...but then i thought about it and i did. and last night i had a pre-sleep dream about being a spinster and how i think it could work. yes, i'm saying that i think i'd be okay if i never fell in love again. i've always known this, but now i'm thinking that as opposed to being okay with it, i might just want it. Becky was absolutely right, i have been busy this year. Kathleen and i were comparing "stats" the other night and in the three years i spend straight-edge i made out with four guys. in the one year (almost to the day) since i quit, i've made out with seven. and you know what? i don't feel like a better or worse person because of it, but i'm not sure that it's that important. sure, the companionship is nice, the sex is nice, the cuddling is nice. but to what end? the aggression, the heartbreak, the fighting, the feeling shitty about myself...is it worth it? even when the other person has done nothing...split-seconds of mental wandering make my brain spasm and press the plunger on a syringe full of heartache. my knight in shining armour just plain doesn't exist, there is no such guy, human or not, who isn't going to fail at some point and i hate that that is my expectation. but it would kill me to abandon something that i have so often dreamed about and cash it in for some harsh reality.
i don't know where this is going...i haven't had a good ramble in a while...so here you go. have fun.
goodnight.
blah.
my desktop is this picture of Hinata from Naruto all regal and shit with an air of honor and respectability and glamour to her, and the one on my bulliten board is her on her knees looking at the artist all shy and timid and childish.
i just got stuck in a mental quandry between being cute and kneeling like a kid and sitting atop a litter like a queene. don't really know where it came from, and now it's gone. i've gotta sleep.
tomorrow 0chem exam, probably skipping philo and coming home to nap a bit before work, depending on how i feel and how much i want to pump more caffinne into my system so i can stress out about something totally unimportant like leveling and getting kick ass so my guild can be proud of me.
i was asked today if i was alone, and i responded "i'm always alone." i didn't mean it quite like it came out...but then i thought about it and i did. and last night i had a pre-sleep dream about being a spinster and how i think it could work. yes, i'm saying that i think i'd be okay if i never fell in love again. i've always known this, but now i'm thinking that as opposed to being okay with it, i might just want it. Becky was absolutely right, i have been busy this year. Kathleen and i were comparing "stats" the other night and in the three years i spend straight-edge i made out with four guys. in the one year (almost to the day) since i quit, i've made out with seven. and you know what? i don't feel like a better or worse person because of it, but i'm not sure that it's that important. sure, the companionship is nice, the sex is nice, the cuddling is nice. but to what end? the aggression, the heartbreak, the fighting, the feeling shitty about myself...is it worth it? even when the other person has done nothing...split-seconds of mental wandering make my brain spasm and press the plunger on a syringe full of heartache. my knight in shining armour just plain doesn't exist, there is no such guy, human or not, who isn't going to fail at some point and i hate that that is my expectation. but it would kill me to abandon something that i have so often dreamed about and cash it in for some harsh reality.
i don't know where this is going...i haven't had a good ramble in a while...so here you go. have fun.
goodnight.
blah.