On the subject of life, death, love, and lust...
"The paradoxical irony
of this ironic paradox
never ceases to die."
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm going to go insane before I am 30.
Over the last week, I've been in one of my emotionless-to-the-point-of-autistic states. (This is merely my body's way of coping with the fact that I do not have enough energy to sustain my "normal" levels of over emotion.)
Between my tarot and astrological studies, my photography homework, Marisa and Christof, Fate, Irony, the death of my aunt and an unborn child, my drastic libido, two men I'm interested in, Rocky Horror, the-casual-staring-at-a-man-who-happened-to-be-changing-beside-me, and my house falling apart, I've had alot to contemplate lately.
Mostly: Death, Love, and the drive to cease existing as an individual through sex.
(These are in essence Scorpion subjects. My sun is in the 8th house - the house of death, among other things - which is ruled by Scorpio.)
So I began reading about death. I found a interesting book entitled Death, Desire and Loss in Western Culture, which I highly recommend, even though I will admit it is a slightly depressing subject.
Now, if I am correct, after another night of sleeplessness, I have returned to my "normal" state.
What have I learned?
That I am myself, and that myself craves to cease being alone, mostly through an physical and emotional tie to other people who most remind me of myself. I want to be in love very badly, and will risk emotional pain for the chance of a vacation from solitude.
And that by wanting that type of death so much, I jynx myself in the process.
What do I do with this knowledge?
Fucked if I know.
At the moment, for the record:
I am still not speaking to Marisa and Christof, and am, frankly, enjoying the break from the drama. I love Misa and Chris because I see myself in them - the backlash being that I, sadly, am a drama queen. I'm currently not sure at the moment if the amount I love them is worth the amount of pain and drama they cause. I am also waiting for something else that I will not mention.
The water is still off at the house, and will be turned on tomorrow or tuesday.
Rocky Horror this week went downhill because we didn't have enough people to play all the roles, so we just sat in different costumes, yelled AP lines, and did the floor show. It was worth it just to see Brad dressed as Columbia, and me doing lines and actions I haven't done in forever.
My date for today was canceled, because the guy got sick and then was called into work. However, he's now feeling guilty, and has offered to take me to any resturant in Atlanta. Yes. ANY. It shall be on Friday, we shall go to Rocky afterward, and he will be staying over.
I asked if he would like to make out, and he said he doesn't like to get physical very early on. I mention the fact that we've been talking to each other since december, and he said "So?". (This caused me to scream after I hung up the phone about how I meet the only gay man in the world who would refuse a make out session.)
So, for all purposes, my life is Ironic as usual.
What else is new?
of this ironic paradox
never ceases to die."
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm going to go insane before I am 30.
Over the last week, I've been in one of my emotionless-to-the-point-of-autistic states. (This is merely my body's way of coping with the fact that I do not have enough energy to sustain my "normal" levels of over emotion.)
Between my tarot and astrological studies, my photography homework, Marisa and Christof, Fate, Irony, the death of my aunt and an unborn child, my drastic libido, two men I'm interested in, Rocky Horror, the-casual-staring-at-a-man-who-happened-to-be-changing-beside-me, and my house falling apart, I've had alot to contemplate lately.
Mostly: Death, Love, and the drive to cease existing as an individual through sex.
(These are in essence Scorpion subjects. My sun is in the 8th house - the house of death, among other things - which is ruled by Scorpio.)
So I began reading about death. I found a interesting book entitled Death, Desire and Loss in Western Culture, which I highly recommend, even though I will admit it is a slightly depressing subject.
Now, if I am correct, after another night of sleeplessness, I have returned to my "normal" state.
What have I learned?
That I am myself, and that myself craves to cease being alone, mostly through an physical and emotional tie to other people who most remind me of myself. I want to be in love very badly, and will risk emotional pain for the chance of a vacation from solitude.
And that by wanting that type of death so much, I jynx myself in the process.
What do I do with this knowledge?
Fucked if I know.
At the moment, for the record:
I am still not speaking to Marisa and Christof, and am, frankly, enjoying the break from the drama. I love Misa and Chris because I see myself in them - the backlash being that I, sadly, am a drama queen. I'm currently not sure at the moment if the amount I love them is worth the amount of pain and drama they cause. I am also waiting for something else that I will not mention.
The water is still off at the house, and will be turned on tomorrow or tuesday.
Rocky Horror this week went downhill because we didn't have enough people to play all the roles, so we just sat in different costumes, yelled AP lines, and did the floor show. It was worth it just to see Brad dressed as Columbia, and me doing lines and actions I haven't done in forever.
My date for today was canceled, because the guy got sick and then was called into work. However, he's now feeling guilty, and has offered to take me to any resturant in Atlanta. Yes. ANY. It shall be on Friday, we shall go to Rocky afterward, and he will be staying over.
I asked if he would like to make out, and he said he doesn't like to get physical very early on. I mention the fact that we've been talking to each other since december, and he said "So?". (This caused me to scream after I hung up the phone about how I meet the only gay man in the world who would refuse a make out session.)
So, for all purposes, my life is Ironic as usual.
What else is new?