Spiritual Rant
It's strange--I never wanted to get married. I never thought about it growing up, except for the few times I had to attend weddings of family friends (and most of the time I dreaded those, because I would have to wear a *dress*). I still don't want to get married, ever. It's one of those intrinsic ideals that just never clicked in my mind, like the idea that I would give birth. I know I'll have a family one day, just like I know the children will either be adopted or my partner will carry them.
When I was younger, I didn't know how to express these values. I didn't understand why my personal ideals were so far off the "norm" of society. I had a hard enough time coming to terms with being queer (which is odd, considering how gay and gay friendly my high school experience was). Being even more out of the mainstream by admitting that I had no desire to fit within societies mores--it blew my mind. I covered for this fear by saying I would never get married until everyone could get married, a political statement instead of a personal ideal and fear of being different.
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
Chapter 13, verse 11
As I write these words, I'm listening to jewish spiritual music. It's like, religion overload. Anyway.
My mom says that, out of the three of us, I'm the one that doesn't care about society and how they view me. I'm the one that's likely to tell this community to fuck off, to grow a pair and stand up for what is right, instead of what is easy. But my entire childhood was spent in fear, because I didn't understand that being different was okay. I knew intellectually, always have known intellectually, but inside--half the time I'm still convinced I'm running scared.
The reason I consider most of this ironic is because I'm trying to get a job where I'll have influence over certain aspects of society. A job where I'll be able to socialize kids in the way that society currently wants kids socialized. I can put my own spin on most of the issues, but I don't get to choose the battles. I'd have to follow the dictations of above, and hope that they choose to address the issues that I care about.
What are those issues? Equality for people (regardless of political affiliation, personal ideals and identities, nationalities, ethnicities, religions); freedom of speech and thought and press and experience; chance. I want people to be able to be whoever they want to be, even if I disagree with how they live. I want people to be able to say whatever they want to say, from the most vile of hate speech to quoting the bible, to livejournal. But most of all, I want people to have a chance. A chance to experience anything they want to, regardless of economic status, regardless of health and personal problems. I want people to have the chance to live a life they feel is rewarding.
I'm an idealist. I'm also a believer in destiny and fate. I also believe in G-d, and heaven. I can't tell you the number of times that my parents have told me that things happen for a reason. I can't tell you teh number of times I've told myself that things happen for a reason. There is a place for everybody in this world, even if people can't currently access that spot because of bullshit legislation and circumstances (be it poverty, ill health, incarceration, lack of education, responsibilities to self and others). I know there are bad people out there, but I have to think theres a reason, otherwise I'd go insane. And honestly, without the bad, how can anyone know how to appreciate the good?
Yes, yes, cliche. But, honest cliche. I grew up with two of the best parents a person could ask for. We talk about anything and everything (even various people I find hot, which tonight was Natalie Portman, because of V for Vendetta...hot!). They will always accept me. My dad is having a tiny problem with the lesbian thing, but my mom just keeps telling me over and over again that she's fine with it. In different ways each time, but still. In talking with other people, I realize most parents aren't like mine. I remember walking in one vacation during college and talking about how I had tried smoking pot, and didn't like it. I told my mom when I lost my virginity (not how...she doesn't need that many details). I don't think a lot of other people can do that with their parents. If they can, I want to be corrected on this impression. Please tell me if I'm wrong.
The whole reason I brought all of this up is because Brad Pitt made some comment about how he won't get married until everyone can. And I began wondering if he really meant it, or if he was scared of further committement after his last whatever. I'm fairly sure he had a previous girlfriend, somewhere. Don't really want to look it up. I'm learning it's okay to admit to being scared, and I was once upon a time. Now? I've told my parents numerous times that I don't intend to give birth, and that I won't get married. The only reason I'm doing the job thing right now is so I can gain the experience necessary to start my own non-profit up one day.
The world exists. I'm not sure why, or how. Thinking about space and the big bang, and what existed before anything existed--well, frankly it hurts my head. I can't grasp the concept. It doesn't matter. All that matters is what today is, and yesterday, and tomorrow. I like reading fanfiction. It makes me happy. I like to play DDR. It makes me laugh. I enjoy hanging out with my friends, even if we discuss nothing but what exactly happened on Battlestar Galactica last season. I love watching tv with my parents, because its fun. Simple things. Enjoy them.
Night.
When I was younger, I didn't know how to express these values. I didn't understand why my personal ideals were so far off the "norm" of society. I had a hard enough time coming to terms with being queer (which is odd, considering how gay and gay friendly my high school experience was). Being even more out of the mainstream by admitting that I had no desire to fit within societies mores--it blew my mind. I covered for this fear by saying I would never get married until everyone could get married, a political statement instead of a personal ideal and fear of being different.
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
Chapter 13, verse 11
As I write these words, I'm listening to jewish spiritual music. It's like, religion overload. Anyway.
My mom says that, out of the three of us, I'm the one that doesn't care about society and how they view me. I'm the one that's likely to tell this community to fuck off, to grow a pair and stand up for what is right, instead of what is easy. But my entire childhood was spent in fear, because I didn't understand that being different was okay. I knew intellectually, always have known intellectually, but inside--half the time I'm still convinced I'm running scared.
The reason I consider most of this ironic is because I'm trying to get a job where I'll have influence over certain aspects of society. A job where I'll be able to socialize kids in the way that society currently wants kids socialized. I can put my own spin on most of the issues, but I don't get to choose the battles. I'd have to follow the dictations of above, and hope that they choose to address the issues that I care about.
What are those issues? Equality for people (regardless of political affiliation, personal ideals and identities, nationalities, ethnicities, religions); freedom of speech and thought and press and experience; chance. I want people to be able to be whoever they want to be, even if I disagree with how they live. I want people to be able to say whatever they want to say, from the most vile of hate speech to quoting the bible, to livejournal. But most of all, I want people to have a chance. A chance to experience anything they want to, regardless of economic status, regardless of health and personal problems. I want people to have the chance to live a life they feel is rewarding.
I'm an idealist. I'm also a believer in destiny and fate. I also believe in G-d, and heaven. I can't tell you the number of times that my parents have told me that things happen for a reason. I can't tell you teh number of times I've told myself that things happen for a reason. There is a place for everybody in this world, even if people can't currently access that spot because of bullshit legislation and circumstances (be it poverty, ill health, incarceration, lack of education, responsibilities to self and others). I know there are bad people out there, but I have to think theres a reason, otherwise I'd go insane. And honestly, without the bad, how can anyone know how to appreciate the good?
Yes, yes, cliche. But, honest cliche. I grew up with two of the best parents a person could ask for. We talk about anything and everything (even various people I find hot, which tonight was Natalie Portman, because of V for Vendetta...hot!). They will always accept me. My dad is having a tiny problem with the lesbian thing, but my mom just keeps telling me over and over again that she's fine with it. In different ways each time, but still. In talking with other people, I realize most parents aren't like mine. I remember walking in one vacation during college and talking about how I had tried smoking pot, and didn't like it. I told my mom when I lost my virginity (not how...she doesn't need that many details). I don't think a lot of other people can do that with their parents. If they can, I want to be corrected on this impression. Please tell me if I'm wrong.
The whole reason I brought all of this up is because Brad Pitt made some comment about how he won't get married until everyone can. And I began wondering if he really meant it, or if he was scared of further committement after his last whatever. I'm fairly sure he had a previous girlfriend, somewhere. Don't really want to look it up. I'm learning it's okay to admit to being scared, and I was once upon a time. Now? I've told my parents numerous times that I don't intend to give birth, and that I won't get married. The only reason I'm doing the job thing right now is so I can gain the experience necessary to start my own non-profit up one day.
The world exists. I'm not sure why, or how. Thinking about space and the big bang, and what existed before anything existed--well, frankly it hurts my head. I can't grasp the concept. It doesn't matter. All that matters is what today is, and yesterday, and tomorrow. I like reading fanfiction. It makes me happy. I like to play DDR. It makes me laugh. I enjoy hanging out with my friends, even if we discuss nothing but what exactly happened on Battlestar Galactica last season. I love watching tv with my parents, because its fun. Simple things. Enjoy them.
Night.