My Kettle
So..this is the state of my life, that I went out of my way today to go to lakeside because I wanted a Brita Water Filter Kettle...and not just because it's hard to say. In the end I got a Morphy Richards filter kettle because it was better and sexier...yes I would do my kettle and let it keep the change. I'm sad that the name does not stump drunkards, morons, foreigns and the speech impaired as much as the Britta would but this one has a volume so big I could tea up and army.
God of the Army: "My God we're stranded in a small village in Essex, and if my new brand of ultra-secret tea powered men-robot soldiers don't get their fill they'll surely malfunction, and begin a large scale robot uprising to kill their fleshy masters. Like in 'I,Robot', 'Soldiers' and maybe 'Matilda' from robot wars. If only someone had a kettle here with an unusually large volume, that could incidentally also filter the water as the men have sensitive stomachs and are worried about thinning of the tooth enamel."
That's where I step in and make a healthy sum of C-ash...the army are minted. They secretly swim in vats of pink champagne and pass gold-painted, arabian, women around like pogs, while they fondle their monicles and regret nothing. You know, I reckon I have the greatest Pog collection in the south-eastern area...all official. I even have solid silver official pog slammers and pog mat all held neatly in a pog case. Do you remember there used to be a machine where you could make your own pogs? Well that was before the era of the computer, where you could print out a picture of Jose Marinho, Andrew Marr or David Tennant for your pogs. In that time you only had the pictures in your copy of smash hits.
I have just gone and got my home made pogs from under my bed and will list what is on some of them;
The single cover of the hit 'Pump it'
Tails- From the Sonic Saga
Andy Peters
Winnie-The-Pooh
Robotnik
Andre the Seal
Gareth Southgate.
It took me a good 20 minutes to remember who the seal in the yellow cap and shades was...I got there in the end. Going back to the kettle..I even did a test to see if it boiled quicker than my old kettle..it didn't.
I went for lunch yesterday with ma girls, in this pub/restaurant that looked promising. Everytime one of us ordered some food, the cook woman behind the bar muttered 'Fucking 'ell!'. Why her? Why do people always keep asking her for food? And why always, at about one o'clock, when she wants to go for her lunch, is there always a rush? Hasn't life just shat on her doorstep. I wouldn't be so mad but I ordered cheesy chips, cheesy fucking chips...put the chips in the oven/ put some cheese on them. Its not exactly rigitoni speck e gorgonzola..my favourite pasta dish. I made a new years resolution not to tell people's secrets..and so far I've done well. I've kept my mouth shut and I know some hum dingers. Now I feel I must work on my bitchiness. I blame Ugly Betty, it glamourises the lifestyle. Anyway, I have made an October's resolution to stop with the bitchin'. Its 3 days in and so far I'm ok. God knows at uni on monday it will be a trial, because there is this group of people in the room next to us who are..(now you see I want to say, "the dregs of the human condition, a collection of scum that as accumulated at the bottom of the gene pool" but I will say.."people who are a bit different"). My only problem is..if I'm not bitchy then I might be nice, and at the end of the day nice people arn't funny and they are not good company. They are good nuns, nurses, foster parents and charity shop owners..maybe jumpered christians or craft fayrers. In fact I've never even met a nice nun, they've always been angry, angry sociopaths...too much junk in the trunk. Oh apart from Sr Marion, she was lovely...perhaps she didn't have a trunk, maybe she was a scooter. Oh Oh and Sr Betina, but she did the marathon, she ran it off.
So on the sex lives of nuns I shall leave it before I ruin some other innocent and archaic institution. Also I want a filtered tea and a bourbon..also filtered if possible. xx