To meet The Man
I've been writing a post for 10 days...
It's not done yet.
Instead, I will file today's report.
Thursday, July 21st 2011 to Friday, July 22nd 2011.
Short of it:
Thursday: 9am. Go to Department of Licensing... deal with bullshit fees and the joys of public transportation.
Noon-4. Play with computers, mics and audio software for KYRS homework downtown.
7pm-1am. Drink beer, eat spaghetti and kill brigands, harriers and bandits during All Girl D&D.
Friday: 1am-4:30am. Visit with mom. Go through old pictures and items from Grandpa.
4:30-6am. Visit with Rissa and Ethan for the early morning hours.. talk and laugh.
6am-6pm. Sleep, eat, nap, clean, doze, read.
6pm-11pm. Organizing the stalking of a famous stranger because I've lurved him since I was 5.
Thursday morning, I woke up and got up early to renew my driver's license. The day before was a debacle trying to get it done first the DOL wouldn't take my debit card brand, so I had to get cash from a local store and come back to pay for the fee.
Got up to the counter again, the price was 3x as much as quoted... because of a paperwork/paycheck snafu that suspended my license for 5 days in 2009 over a ticket from a 2007 incident. Rad. Like I have free money around to pay surprise poverty fees! Crapola!
But, I realized, I DID have free money around to pay this surprise poverty fee... because I worked a bunch of overtime WHILE sick off my ass. Karmic angels put me through the wringer so I could have extra money on my paycheck to pay a surprise bill.. and the extra covered ALL BUT ONE DOLLAR OF IT!
Supra-fly.
My break-even Gemini luck comes through.... and takes all the money I make to ensure I never even GET a chance to choose whether to squander it or save it. Jerk. Angel.
Also, my paycheck had my name misspelled. Just to infuriate me and my bank, Im positive of it.
After spending an hour getting TO the DOL, 20 minutes AT the DOL (and paying outrageous fees/ explaining who Margaret Mead is to my licensing-lady as she checks my eyes/trying to have a NICE looking ID picture for once) and 40 minutes getting back downtown.. I decide to stay downtown and get some work done.
I spent the afternoon at KYRS... using the internet to do my Local Music webwork. See? Im productive and its not even noon! Im bummed that my show is going to be rickety sounding for awhile until our new soundboard gets intalled. I've been spending lots of time grabbing new music for my show, it reminds me why I love my volunteer job.
And then, after that it was Axe-Free D&D night. The ladies and I came together to eat camembert-gorgonzola on toast with speghetti and murder us some brigands with our mighty die rolls late into the night! We drink some beer, eat all night and try to come together as a group to steal a skull back from some bandits. Jacq is plagued and tried not to communicate diseases while telling us all about it. She sang to my choir, having just gotten over The Plague myself.
1am, Tiff drops me off. My mom is hanging out for me. I wasn't expecting her, but I always love seeing her. She has some of the stuff my grandpa Gatie said I could have before he died: his old straight razors, a kitchenaid mixer, a barn picture my grandma painted, an old cribbage board. My mom stays, we talk until 4:30am. She hasnt been watching the news... too busy handling the estate and the stress on the children as a family when parents die and life is already in upheaval for all of them. We speak the same language... we like that about eachother.
Ten minutes after we finally decide to quit for the night and mom drives off. Ris gets home with a friend to talk and hang out. 5am is her Just After Work/Happy Hour mood... graveyard really switches your day up... I get caught up in talking with Ris and her friend. Lots has been happening, we have a good time and before I know it its 6 am and I've been up 21 hours.
Bed sounds awesome.
I close my curtains.
I will want to sleep in.
At noon, my body reminds me I shouldn't sleep all day.
I get up and cook a classic breakfast while putting away dishes and rinsing whats in the sink.
At 2pm, I remind myself I have a very importand errand to run tonight... and that I work tomorrow early in the morning.
I loiter in bed. I nap. I doze. I read. I doze. I nap.
My humidifier is still going... my cough from the bronchitis is still around.
I consider today best used by relaxing to recover from my recent illness.
2 weeks of coughing really tires a girl out! Let's enjoy wallowing in good health and time for a peaceful mind to wander and rest for awhile! I want to be in my prime mindset tonight!
6pm.. I decide I cannot enjoy the act of laying down any longer... the time is passing! I cannot expect good fortune if I arrive too late to infiltrate!
I put on pants for the first time that day.
Thats a good sign I had taken my relaxation seriously.
I pack: A couple humorous postcards, 4 books, a variety of pens and sharpies, my phone. One of the books contained the first dirty poem I ever read.. which was when I was probably seven or so. Its author was the first celebrity crush I ever had and I WILL meet Him, because that is what I DO. Tonight is THE NIGHT! I couldnt afford the tickets, but you don't have to pay for an experience if you know what to do!
The venue is a 20 minute walk away. I circle the building once. I scout out the area where the big bus is parked and try to look nonchalant. I fail. There is obviously no reason for me to be there, so I turn off the act.. be direct... the guy may be in a sweater vest, but I think he can still smell bullshit from 100 meters... he seems the type.
I spend less than 10 minutes getting and confirming the information I needed from him and build a moment of rapport. I know that He already in the building, his band is currently on the bus still, that He is planning to leave by the back exit directly into a car which will leave the premesis.
I take another lap around the building.. looking in the windows. Its 40 minutes to show, but there are a lot of people, its a sold out show. Its possible He is out mingling,.. also, my lady-friends from bookclub often volunteer as ushers at this venue. Just a few weeks ago, one helped me navigate to gett the best available seat at Robert F. Kennedy Jr, and get flirted with by a council member. Bingo, I see a friendly face in a silver vest, white shirt and black bowtie.
She also saw his show in town last year,... I mine her for info and come up with a plan.
He doesn't mingle after the show, either and he is running an exact-timed show without an intermission. He is in a hurry.. in general.
This information is so handy. It also means He will be a challenge to catch,... like all timeless gods should be.
I thank her and walk against the crowd thats coming in... and skirt my way back outside.
Ok, ok... a plan is forming.
I walk two blocks East and visit the luxury hotel in town and wind my way to the bar. My luck is totally with me... my best friend's little brother IS still tending bar here AND happens to be working tonight! He calls me the name NO ONE ELSE calls me anymore.... which makes me laugh.
My not-so-secret celebrity crush does not drink, but I ask my friend to call me if he catches wind that He is in the building.... my friend excitingly obliges with much-o gust-o. My trap is set as tight as I can make it. For now, I have two hours to kill while I wait for a giant room of hundreds of people enjoy a show I cannot attend to watch a personal hero perform some heroics. Down the street I get a coffee and a beer. I read The Inlander. I write down parts of this story. I consider the possible strategies and come up with multiple plans. My spontaneity is very carefully planned much of the time, which is why it looks so naturally spontaneous! PRACTICE! Swear it.
I decide on a humorous postcard to request that A Certain Someone sign my copy of their book in in case I have to bribe someone to hand it to Him with a pen. The front is a woman knocking an arrow into a bow with the inscription, "Im waiting for you!"
"Dear Mr.
It's your fault I am uncontrollably sexually attracted to comedians with prematurely white-hair. Could you or Tommy Smothers sign page 54 in my copy of your book? Thanks! - Zana."
Proof Im not a comedian.
Eventually, its GO time!
The same security guard is still there, keeping an eye on the bus. I ask where the best place is to stand and wait, he points to the ramp. I read under the sodium lights and keep checking to see if the driver has come out to start the transport SUV yet.
The guard tells me when he gets word that He is on the move, the driver is immune to doing me a favor so I follow the guard's directions. Im the first person waiting. Within minutes a few people have joined me. Not many, just a few of us. A laughing couple has a life-size cut-out to get signed, and I talk to two middle aged blonde women who I give some tips about meeting celebrities. Im no pro... its only a hobby, but its put me hand-to-hand and cheek-to-cheek with a lot of very cool and very famous people.
We wait some more.
His banjo gets loaded into the car.
Ooooh.
Ahhhh.
I am patient, I will wait.
He IS coming, that much is obvious.
And... suddenly there is Steve Martin.
The guy who wrote the first dirty poem I ever read.
The guy who won an Emmy when he was 22.
The guy who can do rope tricks, sleight of hand and is currently touring as a novelist and bluegrass musician. The guy who wrote The Jerk and The Three Amigos and jokes for The Smothers Brothers!
He isn't a phantom, he's a real person... his autobiography and twitter account say as much, but.. its reassuring to see it for myself. He's wearing a cool hat... because he is that cool. You can tell he'd rather leave... he FEELS like he's in a hurry... but, he smiles instead and comes over. His automatic litany turns on that most celebrities use. Hi. Hi. Thank you. O really? That's cool. Hi. Thank you. Of course. Thanks for coming. Thank you.
He takes my book, my sharpie...
"Page 54, please... where the bookmark is."
The 'bookmark' is the postcard I wrote him.
He opens up the book up quick.... and signs page 55.
My whole plan just came one page away from being Exactly What I Always Wanted.
So close! He hands it back. Im elated nonetheless.
Page 54 is "She Had The Jugs" which was my preference.
Page 55 is "Sex Crazed Love Goddess" which looks good next to an original bit of ink spelling out his name in his handwriting.
He only signed things for a few minutes... then hurried into the SUV to drive off. I circled the building again... went in to check for free leftover posters. I meet another lady from book club who ushers there... I chat and trade smiles and jokes with the fiddle player in the bluegrass band Martin is touring with. I wish I had heard him play, but I just chatted with him like people for awhile and .....then walked home on a warm night to tell you all about my day.
It's not done yet.
Instead, I will file today's report.
Thursday, July 21st 2011 to Friday, July 22nd 2011.
Short of it:
Thursday: 9am. Go to Department of Licensing... deal with bullshit fees and the joys of public transportation.
Noon-4. Play with computers, mics and audio software for KYRS homework downtown.
7pm-1am. Drink beer, eat spaghetti and kill brigands, harriers and bandits during All Girl D&D.
Friday: 1am-4:30am. Visit with mom. Go through old pictures and items from Grandpa.
4:30-6am. Visit with Rissa and Ethan for the early morning hours.. talk and laugh.
6am-6pm. Sleep, eat, nap, clean, doze, read.
6pm-11pm. Organizing the stalking of a famous stranger because I've lurved him since I was 5.
Thursday morning, I woke up and got up early to renew my driver's license. The day before was a debacle trying to get it done first the DOL wouldn't take my debit card brand, so I had to get cash from a local store and come back to pay for the fee.
Got up to the counter again, the price was 3x as much as quoted... because of a paperwork/paycheck snafu that suspended my license for 5 days in 2009 over a ticket from a 2007 incident. Rad. Like I have free money around to pay surprise poverty fees! Crapola!
But, I realized, I DID have free money around to pay this surprise poverty fee... because I worked a bunch of overtime WHILE sick off my ass. Karmic angels put me through the wringer so I could have extra money on my paycheck to pay a surprise bill.. and the extra covered ALL BUT ONE DOLLAR OF IT!
Supra-fly.
My break-even Gemini luck comes through.... and takes all the money I make to ensure I never even GET a chance to choose whether to squander it or save it. Jerk. Angel.
Also, my paycheck had my name misspelled. Just to infuriate me and my bank, Im positive of it.
After spending an hour getting TO the DOL, 20 minutes AT the DOL (and paying outrageous fees/ explaining who Margaret Mead is to my licensing-lady as she checks my eyes/trying to have a NICE looking ID picture for once) and 40 minutes getting back downtown.. I decide to stay downtown and get some work done.
I spent the afternoon at KYRS... using the internet to do my Local Music webwork. See? Im productive and its not even noon! Im bummed that my show is going to be rickety sounding for awhile until our new soundboard gets intalled. I've been spending lots of time grabbing new music for my show, it reminds me why I love my volunteer job.
And then, after that it was Axe-Free D&D night. The ladies and I came together to eat camembert-gorgonzola on toast with speghetti and murder us some brigands with our mighty die rolls late into the night! We drink some beer, eat all night and try to come together as a group to steal a skull back from some bandits. Jacq is plagued and tried not to communicate diseases while telling us all about it. She sang to my choir, having just gotten over The Plague myself.
1am, Tiff drops me off. My mom is hanging out for me. I wasn't expecting her, but I always love seeing her. She has some of the stuff my grandpa Gatie said I could have before he died: his old straight razors, a kitchenaid mixer, a barn picture my grandma painted, an old cribbage board. My mom stays, we talk until 4:30am. She hasnt been watching the news... too busy handling the estate and the stress on the children as a family when parents die and life is already in upheaval for all of them. We speak the same language... we like that about eachother.
Ten minutes after we finally decide to quit for the night and mom drives off. Ris gets home with a friend to talk and hang out. 5am is her Just After Work/Happy Hour mood... graveyard really switches your day up... I get caught up in talking with Ris and her friend. Lots has been happening, we have a good time and before I know it its 6 am and I've been up 21 hours.
Bed sounds awesome.
I close my curtains.
I will want to sleep in.
At noon, my body reminds me I shouldn't sleep all day.
I get up and cook a classic breakfast while putting away dishes and rinsing whats in the sink.
At 2pm, I remind myself I have a very importand errand to run tonight... and that I work tomorrow early in the morning.
I loiter in bed. I nap. I doze. I read. I doze. I nap.
My humidifier is still going... my cough from the bronchitis is still around.
I consider today best used by relaxing to recover from my recent illness.
2 weeks of coughing really tires a girl out! Let's enjoy wallowing in good health and time for a peaceful mind to wander and rest for awhile! I want to be in my prime mindset tonight!
6pm.. I decide I cannot enjoy the act of laying down any longer... the time is passing! I cannot expect good fortune if I arrive too late to infiltrate!
I put on pants for the first time that day.
Thats a good sign I had taken my relaxation seriously.
I pack: A couple humorous postcards, 4 books, a variety of pens and sharpies, my phone. One of the books contained the first dirty poem I ever read.. which was when I was probably seven or so. Its author was the first celebrity crush I ever had and I WILL meet Him, because that is what I DO. Tonight is THE NIGHT! I couldnt afford the tickets, but you don't have to pay for an experience if you know what to do!
The venue is a 20 minute walk away. I circle the building once. I scout out the area where the big bus is parked and try to look nonchalant. I fail. There is obviously no reason for me to be there, so I turn off the act.. be direct... the guy may be in a sweater vest, but I think he can still smell bullshit from 100 meters... he seems the type.
I spend less than 10 minutes getting and confirming the information I needed from him and build a moment of rapport. I know that He already in the building, his band is currently on the bus still, that He is planning to leave by the back exit directly into a car which will leave the premesis.
I take another lap around the building.. looking in the windows. Its 40 minutes to show, but there are a lot of people, its a sold out show. Its possible He is out mingling,.. also, my lady-friends from bookclub often volunteer as ushers at this venue. Just a few weeks ago, one helped me navigate to gett the best available seat at Robert F. Kennedy Jr, and get flirted with by a council member. Bingo, I see a friendly face in a silver vest, white shirt and black bowtie.
She also saw his show in town last year,... I mine her for info and come up with a plan.
He doesn't mingle after the show, either and he is running an exact-timed show without an intermission. He is in a hurry.. in general.
This information is so handy. It also means He will be a challenge to catch,... like all timeless gods should be.
I thank her and walk against the crowd thats coming in... and skirt my way back outside.
Ok, ok... a plan is forming.
I walk two blocks East and visit the luxury hotel in town and wind my way to the bar. My luck is totally with me... my best friend's little brother IS still tending bar here AND happens to be working tonight! He calls me the name NO ONE ELSE calls me anymore.... which makes me laugh.
My not-so-secret celebrity crush does not drink, but I ask my friend to call me if he catches wind that He is in the building.... my friend excitingly obliges with much-o gust-o. My trap is set as tight as I can make it. For now, I have two hours to kill while I wait for a giant room of hundreds of people enjoy a show I cannot attend to watch a personal hero perform some heroics. Down the street I get a coffee and a beer. I read The Inlander. I write down parts of this story. I consider the possible strategies and come up with multiple plans. My spontaneity is very carefully planned much of the time, which is why it looks so naturally spontaneous! PRACTICE! Swear it.
I decide on a humorous postcard to request that A Certain Someone sign my copy of their book in in case I have to bribe someone to hand it to Him with a pen. The front is a woman knocking an arrow into a bow with the inscription, "Im waiting for you!"
"Dear Mr.
It's your fault I am uncontrollably sexually attracted to comedians with prematurely white-hair. Could you or Tommy Smothers sign page 54 in my copy of your book? Thanks! - Zana."
Proof Im not a comedian.
Eventually, its GO time!
The same security guard is still there, keeping an eye on the bus. I ask where the best place is to stand and wait, he points to the ramp. I read under the sodium lights and keep checking to see if the driver has come out to start the transport SUV yet.
The guard tells me when he gets word that He is on the move, the driver is immune to doing me a favor so I follow the guard's directions. Im the first person waiting. Within minutes a few people have joined me. Not many, just a few of us. A laughing couple has a life-size cut-out to get signed, and I talk to two middle aged blonde women who I give some tips about meeting celebrities. Im no pro... its only a hobby, but its put me hand-to-hand and cheek-to-cheek with a lot of very cool and very famous people.
We wait some more.
His banjo gets loaded into the car.
Ooooh.
Ahhhh.
I am patient, I will wait.
He IS coming, that much is obvious.
And... suddenly there is Steve Martin.
The guy who wrote the first dirty poem I ever read.
The guy who won an Emmy when he was 22.
The guy who can do rope tricks, sleight of hand and is currently touring as a novelist and bluegrass musician. The guy who wrote The Jerk and The Three Amigos and jokes for The Smothers Brothers!
He isn't a phantom, he's a real person... his autobiography and twitter account say as much, but.. its reassuring to see it for myself. He's wearing a cool hat... because he is that cool. You can tell he'd rather leave... he FEELS like he's in a hurry... but, he smiles instead and comes over. His automatic litany turns on that most celebrities use. Hi. Hi. Thank you. O really? That's cool. Hi. Thank you. Of course. Thanks for coming. Thank you.
He takes my book, my sharpie...
"Page 54, please... where the bookmark is."
The 'bookmark' is the postcard I wrote him.
He opens up the book up quick.... and signs page 55.
My whole plan just came one page away from being Exactly What I Always Wanted.
So close! He hands it back. Im elated nonetheless.
Page 54 is "She Had The Jugs" which was my preference.
Page 55 is "Sex Crazed Love Goddess" which looks good next to an original bit of ink spelling out his name in his handwriting.
He only signed things for a few minutes... then hurried into the SUV to drive off. I circled the building again... went in to check for free leftover posters. I meet another lady from book club who ushers there... I chat and trade smiles and jokes with the fiddle player in the bluegrass band Martin is touring with. I wish I had heard him play, but I just chatted with him like people for awhile and .....then walked home on a warm night to tell you all about my day.